Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Keep Moving Forward

          I have not had time to write because I have been so busy lately. I have been getting up nearly every morning to go to the gym and work out. You read that correctly, I have been going to the gym almost every single day for the last few weeks. I've been going with the woman I reconnected with on the trip to PCB. I have so far lost 10 lbs. and my energy level is finally growing. I have also been taking more time for myself and let me tell you, there's a rift in the home. The kids are about to revolt against their' father. The poor man really has his work cut out for him. And to that I say "It's about damn time!" 
          Lately I have been taking more pride in my appearance. I have always been fairly neat and groomed, but I have been wearing makeup a little more frequently and I've been using a hair dryer more often. The other day I was at the mall with one of my besties and in the ladies room mirror I realized I looked like my brother wearing a women's shirt. I decided to have my eyebrows threaded. And let me say the discomfort was well worth it. Now I resemble the fairer sex again and I now have two eyebrows again. I usually down play my looks because as proud as I am, I don't want to drift into conceit which is very easy for a woman to do. So far so good. I am feeling great, looking great, and I'm still kind of nice too!
           Oh, and did I mention in two weeks I'm starting a seasonal job? Well I am! I am very happy about it too. It's minimum wage at a sandwich shop, but I'm not above slinging ham for duckets. I would like to be making more, but this will be a great way to get used to working again and it'll be a great way to end the 8 year gap on my resume. Plus I'll be earning money at a time when money is really needed. All three of my children were born in December, so I have Christmas and birthdays all in the same month. Lord knows I need that money. I'm not promising there won't be a revolution in my house, but they are going to have to learn to survive without me always at the helm. 
            As you have read I have been quite busy lately. I haven't felt this good in years. I hope and pray I keep moving forward and growing along the way. Oh, did I mention that I've also taken up bowling? Another bestie of mine has turned me on to the sport and I have found yet another thing I'm pretty good at. Hopefully in a few months of practice I won't need the bumpers ;p

Thursday, September 22, 2011


    Let me preface this by saying that we have never (as an absolute term) had this problem before. We have never (as an absolute term) had a car repossessed nor have we ever had to deal with a collection agency before. We have always paid our bills on time. We have never taken out a loan we couldn't afford. We have always worked hard to earn every penny of our income and paid taxes. We were smart and saved in case of an emergency. All that changed over the course of about three years.

    About three years ago we wanted to share our blessings with our loved ones. So, we co-signed an auto loan for a family member. Everything was fine for about a year. Then, the payments started coming in later and later. This put stress on our family and damaged our relationships. But we knew that we had financial obligations, and as difficult as it was, we repossessed the vehicle. Upon repossession we came to find out that the vehicle was in need of repairs, the interior was horribly damaged as well as the exterior. In the span of one year, the vehicle was damaged so badly that is lost over $10,000 in value. Still we could not ignore the problem, so we went to the dealership of purchase to discuss our options. Our options were to pay off the loan and scrap the vehicle or trade it in for a new vehicle for ourselves and finance the debt into a new loan. We opted for a new vehicle since we had enough to pay off our existing loan. This was not a happy car shopping trip. But we took our best option. All was fine for a while.

    Less than a year later, all overtime was cut. That meant that our income dropped by nearly half. We began running through our savings to keep up with our bills. We were eating less so that our children could eat well. We even fell behind on our mortgage, but never the auto loan. Still we pushed forward. When we realized we could not keep going like that, we called the auto financer to see if they would lower the payments. No one could help us. A multibillion dollar company did not have the power to help one of it's faithful customers. We wrote letters, went in person to the dealership to talk with the financial representatives there, and called almost every day. Yet we were met with the same answer, "Sorry, we can't help you. But you could trade your car in and save about $58 a month".
    Over the course of the following and most recent year we knew we could not keep living the way we were. We were late with our bills. Our Autistic son was missing therapy appointments due to lack of money for gas. Our children could not enjoy any of the activities they were used to in the years prior, such as, dance lessons and gymnastics. All because again, we were trying to be good customers and pay our auto loan in full and on time. So, after no one would help us (and yes, I mean would, not could) we decided our only option was to return the vehicle. Calls were made because we wanted to be honorable and return the car ourselves. After all the necessary papers were signed for the voluntary return, the car was returned to the dealership of purchase.
    A few short months later, my husband was laid off. That was it, we had no income. The car was auctioned off at a fair price, and please take into consideration that the car was in excellent condition, and the deficit was and is still over $7,000. Immediately following the auction, the collection calls started. "How do you plan on taking care of this bill?" We explained that we are looking for work and as soon as we can we would start pay- "That's not good enough!" is what was so rudely interjected. I said "We were very good customers" only to have "Oh no you weren't!" retorted back at me. I had never been so rudely addressed by someone in what I thought was to be a professional phone call. I know the woman that was so ghastly to me was only doing her job, but if I were a company, I'd be embarrassed to be associated with a firm that would put such a woman on the phone.
    I didn't understand. What had we done wrong? I thought we did everything right. We worked, paid taxes, went to church, gave to the church, no drugs, no alcohol, healthy happy children, multiple therapies for our special needs child. Weren't we making the right choice to forego the luxury of a second car in order to keep our home and utilities and adequate nutrition? Didn't we take all the necessary steps by calling, mailing letters, and going in person? Were we not honorable by returning the car instead of forcing a repo man to show up only to play find the car? We did everything right only to be punished for being exactly the kind of consumer a large company wants to keep. But that's not what happened at all. So here I am at 4 AM unable to sleep because I'm playing that horrid conversation with the collection agency's rep, wondering if I should call her and apologize. No, I should not. I may have lost my temper, but I refuse to be bullied.
    Let me explain a little bit about my beautiful son. His name is AJ, he will be 5 in December, he does not speak, he is still in diapers, and he does not eat solid food. His baby food costs are over $600 per month. That does not include his soy milk (he is allergic to dairy and all nuts) which he drinks nearly a quart a day. That also does not include his diapers which cost over $100 per month because he has a 5 year old body with a five year old bladder and therefore uses many diapers in a day. The gasoline to take him to therapy is close to $200 per month which was less in the other vehicle because our van doesn't get great gas mileage. AJ is not a burden, he is not a debt, he is my life as are his sisters. My eyes well up with pride as I type these words because I know that I am making the right choice by investing in him and not the debt. And I will not be bullied into thinking otherwise.

    I have put my faith and money into a company that refused to do the same for me and my family. I am personally hurt and disappointed in the company. Not only have they dishonored themselves by not helping the very people that made them into a thriving company, but they have chosen to associate themselves with a collection agency that bullied it's way into my life. The auto finance company should be embarrassed to be associated with the collection agency and the collection agency should be ashamed for their rep's behavior.

    I know that once my husband and I secure employment and we clear our debts and start to save again we will never give another large company our business ever again. We are a large Latino family and we are spreading the word in our families and communities about large companies like this, not caring one bit. All the sweet talk is out the window once the signatures are on the loan contracts. In our culture, there is no greater form of advertising than word of mouth. As my story, and others like mine,  spreads, in the community, online, in our family, the largest growing population will also become the most difficult to do business with. I am sending this letter or story or what ever it is to anyone that will take it. Newspapers, english and spanish, online forums of all sorts, emails to be forwarded to all contacts and their contacts, consumer alert sites, local community bulletins, and anywhere else I can think of.

    We will pay our debt, we want to do what is right for our own peace of mind, because that's the kind of people we are. But we will do it when we can, after we pay our utilities, take our son to therapy, take our daughters to karate, and feed our children. We refuse to be slaves to our debts any longer. And again, we will not be bullied anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Vehicle Purchased: Honda Accord
Place of purchase: Gwinnett Place Honda on Satellite Blvd. Duluth GA
Financer: Honda Financial
Collection Agency: Law Offices of Ross Gelfand LLC, Roswell GA

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Panama City Beach

Last week I went to Panama City Beach Florida. I was invited by a friend of mine whom was invited by her friend whom also invited other friends. There were 8 women total, and I bonded with a few of them. The funniest coincidence is that I had met one of the women prior to the trip, our daughters were friends in summer camp.  All in all I had a wonderful time. 

On the first night we all went out for seafood, my favorite ocean side pastime. All of us (with the exception of one) are large women. We were cutting up having a good time when a very drunk thin girl approached our table and said "I just wanted to tell you that you are all SO beautiful! You are! It is SO great that you could get out and have a good time! Just fabulous!" She then walked her inebriated self back to her table where her friend was making out with the not so attractive waiter. As she walked away one of the women at our table said "Did she just call us fat???" I lost it right then and there. I was cracking up so hard I had to step outside to collect myself. While outside I was joined by the leader of the group and we started getting to know each other. We were chatting when our drunk table neighbor came outside and started gushing again about how beautiful we were. I said "I know, thanks". She then got a little too close as she tried to grope my very impressive chest. I took a step back and said "Hey hey! I'm Puerto Rican (don't know what that had to do with it) I don't swing that way. Hell, I don't even experiment that way!" She apologized and said she was in town working and without missing a beat the leader of our group said "The strip?" implying that the girl was a hooker. Again, I nearly lost it. The girl took the joke well and began gushing about her high paying job and thankfully her date (whom was 40+ years her senior) showed up to take her home. 

There was much more to the trip but I'm too tired to write it all now. There was quite a few stories being told about one another. There was a reveal that one of the women has a phobia of little people (I don't know the PC term) and her friend that exploited that phobia any chance she got. There was talk of relationships and lots of advice being tossed around. Oh, I also got to see a band perform live for the first time ever. There were also tattoos and lots of booze. I had a wonderful time!

On the beach I asked myself the same question I always ask myself at the beach (at any location of ocean) "Why don't I live here???" Seriously? Why don't I live near an ocean? It's the only place that I'm not overwhelmed, happily married, happily mothering, paid enough, never overeating (because it's too hot), very active, and well tanned. I'm glad I got to spend some time near the ocean and meeting new friends. Time to start planning the next visit, or move, whatever ;)

Monday, August 8, 2011

School's Back In...Halle-freaking-lujah

               Today is the first day of school. It is also (incidentally) the first day of my mental recovery. This summer was by far the most difficult summer I've ever had. You see, the past summers I usually had my girls doing some sort of activity. I couldn't do that this summer due to A) lack of funds, B) my son's therapies and C) my treatment plan for my newly diagnosed Psoriatic Arthritis (arthritis coupled with psoriasis). I have been pulled in so many directions I feel like an overstretched Stretch Armstrong toy (if you don't know what that is Google it so you can get my joke). 
              Now that I have my days free I have some plans. Today is clean up day. If I get one dish cleaned then I will count is as a goal reached. I have much organizing to do since over the last couple of months mountains of papers and unopened mail have piled up all over the house including two overflowing laundry baskets. I can now adjust my budget to not include lunches for the kids since they will eat in school which also means I can finally get a new pair of sneakers. I will need said sneakers since I am setting a goal of losing 30lbs. I have other plans to make for my free time, but for now that's all I can think of. Oh, another goal is to kick the stupid cigarettes. I have cut down from a pack a day to less than half and I hope to be done with them by the end of the week. I will miss my cancerous habit but there is nothing good about it and being able to breathe sounds fun. 
                The only down side here is that I'm used to taking care of the kids all day, at least one of them. But now my son is in school full time so I have 8 hours to kill each and every day. And while typing that last sentence put a grin on my face, I am one of those moms that is used to chaos. After my children left for school I asked myself "Oh sh*t, who am I going to take care of?" Um, how about me??? There's a thought! I can take care of me for a change. While I have done many things to take care of myself over the last year, I had to stop during the summer. I didn't think getting back into the swing of things would affect me so. I was fine getting up early to get the kids ready for school. But the thought of doing something for myself left me confused. Where do I begin again? What did I do last year? Should I shower first? What if I showered, then cleaned, got dirty, and had to shower again? I'd be wasting water! I can't waste water! No, I must clean first then shower. All these thoughts ran through my head in a nanosecond.  
               I told the voices in my head to settle down. Don't worry, I'm not crazy. The voices don't tell me to do anything crazy. In fact, the voices usually convince me to do nothing at all. Okay, maybe I'm a little crazy. Maybe the voices in my head are like a residual haunting. I heard the kids yapping all summer long, so the sounds play over and over again in my head. That makes sense right? All I know is, this is the first time I've had complete silence in over 2 months. Ahh...so peaceful. I'm going to finish my coffee and get to cleaning. I won't have to keep an eye on the clock because I know I still have over half the day left, so there will be plenty of time for that shower.

Friday, June 17, 2011


                The other day I was out with Mom running some errands. I asked if she could tag along to help me with my little tribe. The grocery store was our final destination before returning home and all was going very well. The kids were behaving, I was within my preferred time frame and within my budget. We were at the checkout and my son was in a very good mood. As I have stated before my son is autistic, he does not speak but he's very vocal. If he's in a good mood he'll let out these high pitched squeals of joy, which is exactly what he was doing at the time. So he let out this ear piercing shriek of joy and a lady at the next checkout says "Oh my God" with the nastiest tone and was sneering at my son like he just took a dump on the floor. I have gotten these comments and looks before at my son's volume and am used to handling them, but my mother has not. Before I could say anything she was all over the lady. "Oh my God??? Oh my God??? Well let me tell you something Ms. Oh my God! If you cannot take the outside world and the people in it then you shouldn't leave your house! Okay Ms. Oh my God!?!" I then tried to get my mother's attention, "Ma! Ma! Ma!!! Stop it you're scaring the white people! Hey lady, he's happy." My mother then interrupted me "That's right! He's happy!!!"  Me-"Ma! I'm sorry lady, but the special needs Wal Mart was closed so I had to do my shopping here." The lady and her husband became very focused on the challenging task of loading their groceries into their cart and seemed incapable of lifting their eyes above the shopping bags it contained. I do believe they were ashamed, her of her thoughtless exclamation and him because he's married to her. Have I mentioned how much I love my mother?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Things I Hate

I hate it when people mix up words that they know are wrong. For example:
Imply/Infer. You get the idea.

I hate it when people overuse words in conversations: like, you know what I'm sayin, just sayin, whatever

I hate it when there's an unruly child and the parents think it's funny, cute, normal. No, it's not funny for a child to curse like a sailor nor is it cute when a child flips the bird, and it's not normal for a child to get away with stealing something.

I hate blasting car stereos, there's just no point.

I hate being asked, "Why are you going to have a cell phone when you don't answer it?" Just because it's a cell phone doesn't mean that I have to answer every call.

I hate people not taking proper care of their dogs, especially when they show up in my yard and leave a horse manure sized pile of crap on my property. I have 2 small female dogs, their poop is like pellets and the pee on the ground. I really don't appreciate your horse sized mammal lifting his leg on my grill.

I hate having to explain myself to anyone. The answer is "no" and that's all I have to say. If you really want to know why then don't get mad at my reasons.

I hate it when I make a great meal only to have someone ruin it with ketchup, I take ketchup as a personal insult.

I hate it when my coffee gets cold and I don't realize it until I take a sip of nasty coffee. I also hate that when I microwave it, it seems like I have to microwave it every other minute. It's never hot enough to stay hot, only hot enough to burn my mouth with the first sip then cool it off with the following sip.

I hate it when someone doesn't believe me when I say that I never received a call from them. Like T-Mobile is some infallible company that would always have me connect properly to a phone call and so I must therefore be lying.

I hate it when a song I've been waiting for on the radio starts playing when I reach my destination and I have to miss it because I'm running late.

I hate it when I check the time and the clock says 11:59, then I have to stare at the clock for the most agonizing 60 seconds of my life, but then my eyes get dry so I have to blink, when I open them, it's 12 and I missed it. It irks me all day.

I hate it when I'm watching a movie and hubby asks what it's about, so I have to pause it, explain it, then he leaves, comes back to ask what happened, so I have to pause it, explain it and silently curse him for interrupting right when it was getting good, or during the last 10 minutes.

I hate it when I get tongue tied while lecturing the kids about something serious because I can't keep a straight face as they crack up at Mommy sounding like an idiot.

I hate it when I have nothing to write about.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Ignorance Isn't Bliss

                I need to stop reading and watching the news, I really do need to stop. It's depressing half the time and infuriating the other half. Rarely do I see a story that's positive and uplifting. There's so much going on in the world that has people up in arms about everything from childhood obesity to immigration laws to our President's birth certificate. There's picketing and protests at funerals and hate crimes of all sorts. It all boils down to one simple problem with no immediate solution...ignorance. Ignorance is defined as being uninformed which most of us are. We only know what we are taught and what we pursue to learn ourselves. Life may teach us some lessons but we will never know everything so we need to stop acting like we do.
               I live in a country of freedom. I was taught that I have a right to, well, everything. Thinking in the way that I was taught I assumed that meant that everyone had a right to, again, everything. I was taught that no one, no matter what race, nationality, religious faith, or gender was excluded from having rights. I still kind of believe that. Doesn't it make sense? Everyone in the world should have the rights and freedoms I have. When I was in elementary school the Gulf War was explained to me (in school) that the U.S. was trying to help people "over there". I thought, why not just bring "them" over here? So now that we have immigration arguments and bills trying to get passed and protests that seem more like not so violent riots, none of it makes sense to me. As an adult I don't understand why people are so angry about people (PEOPLE) needing and wanting a better life. I was taught that that's what America is about.
               Do I think we should just open up all borders and ports and allow anyone to waltz right on in? Of course not. But I do think that asking someone from a third world country to come up with hundreds to thousands of dollars worth of fees is ridiculous and cruel. That's like offering a starving child a sandwich if he can guess my middle name. I just don't understand how people can be so angry at other people for trying to live a decent life. And I've gotta say it, I am sick and tired of hearing the term "anchor babies". It literally makes me sick, I vomit in my mouth a little when I hear some dumb ass referring to a child this way. If I were trying to seek refuge in another country for whatever reason, personally the last thing I'd want to do is run around with a baby. But that's just me. I just don't think making a family is as calculated as anti-immigration people think it is. These are people wanting more in their lives, not criminal masterminds plotting a hostile take over of the country.
             Another one I hate to read about is the picketing and protesting at funerals. Why in the world would someone think that the best time to send a message is at a funeral with signs that say "God Hates Gays"? In my personal opinion I don't think God hates anyone. There is no hate in Him as far as I'm concerned. He may have wrath and fury, but I don't think it would be aimed at someone with a good heart no matter what their orientation. And these bass ackwards people need to get it through their thick heads that being gay is not a choice, it's who they are, period. Saying that someone chooses to be gay is like saying someone chooses to be straight. I also don't like the term straight when it comes to orientation because it implies that if you are not straight, you are crooked or something and that just seems wrong to me. Why don't those fanatics picket at a parole hearing for someone that raped a 4 year old and only spent 2 years in prison? Or someone that got his 37th DUI and finally got arrested after killing a family on the interstate and only spent the night in jail, not to mention he'd most likely still have a license. Picket them! Don't picket the family that's burying their child after he/she lost their life defending our country. Not only is it ignorant and stupid behavior, it's cruel and insensitive.
             Childhood obesity is something that's been plaguing me since my own childhood. First we are taught that 3 square meals is the key to good health, then it's a pyramid, now it's some other pyramid with steps and blocks for individual people's ideal nutrition. Really? Like reading labels isn't hard enough? And there's always a new study. "A new study has found that high fructose corn syrup is actually bad for you" "A new study suggests that genetically altered food may impact your waistline" How about "a new study proves once and for all that we are all idiots" there's a health news headline I'd like to read. I don't understand how the government can overlook this gross atrocity to it's own people. Here's the thing though, it's not totally the government's fault, no, it's our own, because we now better now, yet we refuse to change. Instead of choosing real food, we want something that's been processed and pre-packaged in little 100 calorie packs that tastes like a real BigMac and fries with a Diet Coke. It's unhealthy, it's unreal, and it's killing us. Yet no matter how much coverage there is, no matter how many studies show that we are digging our own graves with fudge smeared sundae spoons, very little is being done to change it. It is a personal decision on whether or not I hit a drive through at the convenient time of 2AM, but it's not my child's choice. Nope, that would be my doing. It's not my child's choice to be ignorant about health and to be morbidly obese at 9 years old and to get bullied into suicide. Nope, that would be my fault wouldn't it? Yes, it most certainly would be.
                Ignorance is the worst thing we can pass on to our children. Because we know what we are taught, but after a certain age, we are no longer victims of society, we are willing participants that stay ignorant by choice. What have I done personally to give my children more than was given to me and to my parents? Well, for one, I don't have cable. I don't want my children to become the overindulgent consumers of tomorrow nor do I want them improperly influenced. I will choose what they watch because that's my responsibility. I feel like my children's education is inadequate, instead of griping about how my government is failing me, I talk to my kids about what I learned at their age about the arts, history, and basic etiquette. My daughters also practice penmanship and must write letters to family instead of emails. I teach my children that tolerance and total acceptance are not the same, they need to accept people for who they are not simply tolerate their existence. My children go to church with me and we have our faith, but they know that there are other religions that are not wrong simply because they are not the same as ours. I am not so arrogant as to believe that my faith is the right one, and I will not teach that to my children. What they do know is that there is something or someone greater than us. I aim to teach my children many many things, ignorance is one lesson I'll leave out.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


            Today one of my BFFs came over so I could color her hair. I have never even colored my own hair so I was incredibly nervous. I warned her that it may come out horrible but she insisted that I could do it and also told me that if it did come out horrible I could simply dye her hair dark to cover it all up. But it didn't come out horrible, in fact it came out beautiful! I was so proud of myself and happy for my girl because she looks so beautiful.
             Peek-a-boo highlights is what they're called. It's where you take the middle section of the hair (between the crown and bottom) and apply highlights and/or color and it's hidden until you part the hair and peek-a-boo! There's a few strands of pink! It was all her idea, research on hair color options, and planning. And she felt confident that I could do it. We had a great time turning my little master bath into a makeshift salon. Her hair was all foiled up and I was very pleased to see the color was taking and the sections weren't too big so there was no striped effect.
            After her hair was done we took some pix to post online with different simple hairstyles. My friend left very happy, that is until she called to inform me that she got a ticket on the way home. Her ego boost was because she got a great hair coloring and my ego boost was from the fact that I was the one that did it. Sometimes all it takes to make me feel good is a small accomplishment like doing my friend's hair and getting it right. While it was a long process I am looking forward to her next hair project. I am not even going to attempt to cut her hair, but I'd love to play colorist again.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Swimsuit Season

                  As I have stated in a previous entry I like the way that I look. I generally have no problem shopping for clothing, however swim suits are another category altogether. I hate shopping for a bathing suit, not because of my size but because of the poor selection. I have been to the mall department stores, the specialty size stores, the general wall-to-wall marts and not one of them had anything that would look good on a slimmer person let alone a full figured chunky dunker.
                  I had decided to give up when I found myself mentally chanting "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry" in the Dillard's dressing room. The prints were ridiculous and the styles were not flattering at all.  Of the few suits that I found tolerable the prices were outrageous! $100 or more for a one piece and all the two pieces were sold as separates for no less than $58 a piece. The one top that I liked was a whopping $68 and when I tried it on there was so much fabric meant to hide the problem area that is the stomach that it had the exact opposite effect making me look pregnant. Then of course the top had to accentuate my assets, i.e. my breasts, by making it appear that they were trying to escape the top and run away from my body. Not flattering at all. The matching bottom (a skirt) had a control top that held my "tummy" firm making my upper "tummy" into a muffin top, hence the preggo look. After I convinced myself not to cry I left the department store with the little confidence I had left.
                 I am not so diluted as to think that a bathing suit with slimming capabilities will instantly make me look like a size 6. But am I asking for too much if I want a bathing suit to simply get on my body without mushing, mashing, popping body parts out, or cutting off circulation for less than $100? I mean really, it doesn't take $100 worth of fabric and labor to cover my body. And then there's the prints. What is with the horrible prints? It was like searching through a collection of Picasso's impressions of bathing suits. Even the small suits for sizes 0-12 were ugly. There were animal prints that apparently were inspired by very ugly animals. Who knew a zebra could be ugly? The inventive abstract suits were no better, horrible colors clashed together, reds, browns, grays, golds, all together in haphazard splats and crisscrossed stripes that made no sense. I felt like screaming, "Are you kidding me!?!?" Instead I just gave up.
           I did some online shopping and found a few suits I like. I am a bit concerned about ordering online. What if it doesn't fit? I'll have to return it and order something else. At least I'll be able to chant "Don't cry" in the comfort of my own home.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

One of Those

                   My sister called me today just because. It was nice, no drama, no complaints, she just wanted to let me know that she's doing well and that she loves me. She asked how I was and I had not a doggone thing to contribute to the conversation that wasn't about one or all of the children. Not one thing! I thought about this and came to the conclusion that when I wasn't paying attention I morphed into one of those moms. You know who I'm talking (err, typing) about. The ones that talk and talk to no end about their kids, or in my case, since I don't like talking about my kids, have nothing to say.
                  I want to be more than so and so's mother or so and so's wife. I don't think I'm reaching for the stars here, just a little adult chat about life that has nothing to do with my offspring. That's not possible though because they somehow managed to take over my life. I'm not sure when it happened or what they want for ransom, I just know that now, not only am I a slave to them physically, mentally, and any other "ally" ending words you can think of, I'm also a slave to them conversationally.
                  Since I couldn't find anything interesting to talk about I made an excuse to hang up saying we'd chat later. We played phone tag a few times, each time she'd be busy and each time I'd be struggling with a child of mine, usually my son. She mentioned that she got a job that she loves to do. I said "I haven't worked long enough to discover what I love...I can tell you what I don't love though...diapers, poop, Autism, and anything under three feet tall."  I'm pretty sure I'll be adding "adolescence" to that statement.
                 What sucks is I'm not one those  mothers that say "My life was empty until I had a child". Yeah right! And I'm a monkey's uncle! If you're life was empty before you had kids then you have no right to breed. I'd hate to be the kid of one of those parents, I'd hate to have all that pressure of being my mother's only reason for living. At least dads have sports and in my husband's case, video games.
                 If only I could be one of those women that was fulfilled with family life. But I'm simply not wired that way. I feel like I'm being stuffed into a box that I don't fit into. After getting the kids off to school, I have lists to make, calls to make, bills to pay, errands to run, meals to cook, therapy for my son, and by the end of the day I'm starving for adult interaction. Bill collectors don't even call me anymore because I talk too much. And unfortunately for me, hubby (while he is a good man) is not the sharpest spoon in the drawer. There's not much conversation there.
                 My sister called me after dinner was done. I was laying on the couch with my son. She said, "What the hell is that?"  She was referring to the shriek of laughter made by my daughters. As I was explaining what the noise was my son looked right at me, opened his mouth, and vomited all over me. I screamed "Oh my god! He puked on me!" she replied with a monotone "I'll call you back". She didn't call me back. I called her at 8:30 PM, she was asleep. So much for my adult conversation.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Full House

                   I was offline for a while due to the fact that there was an entire family staying here with me. My sister-in-law and her 4 children stayed here for a couple of weeks while she waited for her new apartment to become available. It finally did and everything is back to normal. I'm very happy for her too! It was nice having one of my closest friends stay here and I know her boys filled a little space in hubby's heart that's been made by my son's delays, but I am glad to have my house back :)
                  I know my sis-in-law is also glad to be in her own place. I told her, you are going through everything that I'm afraid of, be proud that you are so strong. I can only hope she knows that my words were true. My girls were sad to see their cousins go, the last couple of weeks were like a huge slumber party. Bedtime was a nightmare! At the end of the night though we smiled and laughed at our goofy kids. I admit I miss them, lucky for me they are only 15 minutes away.
                Without all the kids I was kind of bored today. I took a nap. Hubby played hookie today and I had a couple of errands to run with SIL (sister-in-law) and it was fun. Who knew that I'd miss her so much, and she's only been gone for 2 days! I told her, "It's too bad we're not gay, I'd marry you! I'll cook and you can do the dishes!" Every morning she'd get up and wash the dishes. I haven't washed a dish in over 2 weeks! {Sigh} I'm really going to miss her.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Happy Trails To You

              While my children played outside they noticed two men taking their horses for a little ride. The kids got all excited and ran up to the two strangers and were instantly awestruck at the magnificent beasts, not to mention the Marlboro men that sat upon them. My sister-in-law and I caught up with the kids to make sure they weren't bothering the horses and of course to make sure they understood that even though they seemed like nice men they were still strangers.  Before I knew it my bestie and I were tossing our hair and smiling like two teenagers, it felt good.
             The men and ourselves made it a point to mention our spouses, "My wife loves this horse" or "My husband used to live on a ranch". We all knew a little harmless and albeit shameless flirting wasn't hurting anyone. No one was looking for anything naughty, just a little reassurance that we all have still got "it".  And we all ate it up. My bestie was adorable in her goofy way and tossing her gorgeous mane around and I was my witty smart aleck self. The two men had this cowboy charm that could win over any city girl in a New York minute. It was some of the best flirting I've ever had since none of it was inappropriate, just good clean fun.
          It did make me think though, why don't we flirt anymore? Is it because hubby already has me? I look back and recall our dating days...he never flirted with me. And hubby is so thick headed that he doesn't know when I'm flirting. One time we were watching a rom-com and I did the classic sigh/head tilt at a particularly romantic moment. Hubby turned to me and said, "I'm sorry" I asked "For what?" he replied, "I'm not romantic" and he's not, but I told him, "Honey, you've never been a romantic, and that's okay." And it is okay, because I'm not talking romance per-se I'm talking about simple flirting. Batting the eye lashes and subtle cues like hair tossing. I don't know, I don't think my poor husband knows how to flirt.
        As we walked back inside my girl and I chatted about the cute cowboys. We were saying things like "Oooh! He was cute! What a cowboy! He can take me for a ride anytime!" I even started singing "Happy Trails To You" and one of the Marlboro men shouted "Oh yeah!" It was really cute. But then after the giggles stopped I said to my girl, "The really sad thing is that their wives probably can't stand them" then she said "I know right! It's always like that isn't it?" Yes it is my friend, yes it is.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Daddy Issues

               I was talking with one of my BFFs today about my Daddy issues. The first man in your life is your father and that will be the foundation of all relationships to come. If there is no father present (and mother doesn't know any better) then the daughter will seek out attention from any male that will give it to her. Luckily I didn't have a totally absent father, and when he was around he was superb. But there has been so much space in between that not only are there gaps in between major points on my time line of life, there's also gaps in my heart. I am not going to verbally bash my father, I love him dearly, but hopefully letting this little bit out will give me some prospective on our relationship and perhaps a reader or two?
              My father is a fine man. He is strong and vulnerable at the same time. He has a goofy sense of humor that won me over as a child. When I was small he told me "I'm so glad I can hold your hand now! You used to be so tiny I had to carry you in my pocket! I even stepped on you once!" and I completely believed him. I loved how he played with my gullibility. But then he was gone, for months at a time. I couldn't understand why, if he loved me so much, if we got along so well together, if I was such a good girl and his little princess, why did he stay away? After a while I stopped wondering and simply knew that's the way he is. I stopped wondering when I was going to hear from him, when he was going to come by, when I'd get a letter or card, I simply went on with my life. I visited him from time to time, sometimes spending a month or two, but we had spent so much time apart that he hardly knew me.
              When I did visit my father he tried to make the most of it and most of the time he did an amazing job of teaching me about life, God, boys, family etc. The problem was that he didn't really take the time to get to know me, he was too busy trying to cram in all the life lessons he wanted me to learn, and learn them I did, but he still didn't know me. He always thought I was simple and perfect, he didn't realize that I didn't know him well enough to be vulnerable with him, I didn't know him well enough to let my true colors show. I was always on my best behavior as if I were visiting an Aunt or Uncle's house.
              For a while, many years actually, whenever he would call I'd revert back to a 12 year old girl calling him Daddy and saying everything was perfect so he wouldn't worry about me. We never argued about anything, ever. We didn't know each other well enough to argue, so we'd be polite, he'd say how proud I make him and that would be that. He wouldn't know that I was having a bad day, perfect little girls don't have bad days. He wouldn't know that I'd argued with my husband, my marriage was perfect. He wouldn't know that I struggle with my son, in his mind I'm a perfect mother because I'm a perfect daughter. Only recently have I allowed myself to be myself, answering the phone "Hello Dad" instead of a girlie "Hi Daddy!" I'm no longer nervous about admitting that I'm too tired to talk or that I argued with my husband that day or that my son has me about to pull my hair out or that my hair is jumping out on its own. He stutters when he's nervous talking to me, and lately he's been stuttering a whole lot.
            My father needs to know the real me. Knowing me should be a good thing not something that makes him so nervous he can't talk. In discovering more about myself in my relationship to my husband, I've discovered what's missing in my relationship to my father, a relationship. I haven't had that "You've ruined my life" fight with him nor do I want to, but I have been making sure he knows his part in my life has been small and I'm done waiting for when he's ready to be more present. My daughters have been calling him a lot lately and he promised to send them some money. I told my step mother that he cannot make those promises to them like he did me. My girls are not used to having promises broken and I refuse to allow them to be hurt by him no matter what intentions he may have had. The following week there was a card for me and a money order for my daughters. When I called to say "thank you" for the gifts he said "My granddaughter challenges me and I want to meet that challenge". My heart surged. I don't think he realized just how proud of him I was then. I then told him the same thing I've told my husband many times, "I wouldn't expect so much from you if I didn't think you could do it". And with that we said our good-byes, blew kisses, and hung up. I'm looking forward to the next phone call.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me!

              Yesterday was my 31st birthday...and it was great! As I've mentioned before I love birthdays, especially mine. My kids made me a cake, my neighbor made me some cupcakes...are they trying to make me fat??? Hubby got me yellow gold earrings even though I wanted white gold, but hey I'll take what I can get, and I may be spoiled but never so spoiled as to turn down gold earrings. My father even remembered my birthday and sent a card last week and even called the day of. All in all it was a wonderful day.
             For my mother my birthday starts the day before my actual birthday. You see, I was her most difficult labor and she reminds me of that every year by calling me the day before and saying "Oooh! The pain the pain!" and she calls every few hours to let me know of the torturous pain I put her through, she also calls to let me know the doctor said to walk around and she's eating lobster. She performs in present tense and makes me crack up at the awkward stuff she has been telling me for so long I know it all by heart. Mom then calls me on the day of to let me know she's being admitted to the hospital, how dilated she is, how close the contractions are, and of course how painful they are. Then she calls me just after 12 noon to say, "Now it's officially your birthday". Oh, and did you know she also calls me on the day after to let me know I'm eating? Well she does! She says in a cheery voice, "I'm nursing you right now". And as weird as it may seem, I love it. I want to record her telling me that story so I can cherish it long after she's gone. And after she gives me the most dramatic "happy birthday" I've ever heard of, she gives me the biggest hug which is no small feat since I tower over my petite mother and she whispers in my ear, "You gave me all the pain in labor and I've had nothing but joy since you were born". I'll admit my eyes get a little misty every time she says that, and even though I know it's coming it gets me every single time.
                  After hubby came home from work my sister-in-law stayed with the kids so he could take me out. She conspired with the kids to bake me a surprise birthday cake while we were out. Hubby took me to have some Mexican food at one of my favorite places and he even sat next to me in the booth. He admired his thoughtful gift that hung from my ears and asked if I was having a good birthday to which I replied "Every year gets better and better". And it does. I LOVE my birthday. For a while I thought that after high school my birthdays would suck. There would be no surprise party, no BFF running down the hall with a fist full of balloons hoping to catch you before the bell rings, there's no envelopes of money from grandparents, and no teddy bears from boyfriends. I thought that when you're a grown up you don't get to feel special, and for a while that had happened to me. I didn't feel special, and because of that my beautiful family made it a point to make sure that no one that shares the same birthday with me would feel more special than me. Not even Jon Bon Jovi.

Friday, February 25, 2011


                  What is with parents today? No wonder old people hate our generation, the parents of my generation are lazy as hell. When I read about a kid getting arrested in the third grade for fighting with teachers it irked me, but what really made my blood boil was reading the quote from the idiotic mother, "I don't know why he's acting like this, he doesn't do this at home". I'm sure! At home he's a perfect little gentleman and at school he's Mr. Hyde. If that lady was my friend I'd dump her right away, that's how stupid she is.
                  Most parents today think they have one job as parents and that's to make sure the kids don't die. And in my personal opinion that type of parent is simply lucky there because that type of parent almost always has a very undisciplined child. My children aren't perfect, but they do know that they aren't allowed to drive the family car no matter how much they don't want to go to church. I also hate reading about the toddler that leaves the house wearing nothing but a diaper at 2AM, what is that?!?! Doorknob covers are only about $3 for a pack of 4, so put down the blunt and get some doggone doorknob covers!
                 Too many children are not being raised, notice I said "not being raised", not "not being raised properly". Not being raised properly would imply that there was some type of effort on the parents' part, and I'm noticing more and more lately that there is no effort whatsoever. Again, put the blunt down, log off of Facebook, stop texting and step away from the phone, and try asking your kid how their day went, help them with homework, sit down to a meal and talk to the kid. You'll come to find that they aren't as bothersome when they are getting the attention they deserve.
                I've heard more than once about my perfect kids. And even though I was told about how lucky I am in a loving and joking way, one day I snapped. I told each person that made a comment about my "perfect" kids that they are not perfect, just well behaved, and each time I said that, I pointed right at my girls and said firmly, "That took a LOT of hard work! I'm not lucky, they aren't well behaved sweet well adjusted healthy children by mistake! I did that!" It's been weeks since I've heard about my perfect kids. It's not that I don't like hearing compliments about my kids, what bothers me is that many don't understand that I have worked damn hard to try to raise my kids well. I'm sure I'm messing up one way or another, but I'll do the best I can and educate myself on parenting so I can address issues that I am ignorant about.
                Too many parents don't teach manners, courtesy, kindness, cleanliness or even hygiene; basically they don't teach the things that separate us from other hairy primates. And I'll be doggone if my kids are going to be running in and out of this house at all hours of the day and night smelling of the street. What many don't understand is that life starts the day you're born, and from the day my children were born I've been raising, loving, teaching, listening, praying, hoping, and simply trying. I'm not a perfect mother, but I strive to be a good mother each and every day, whether I'm busy or not, tired or not, depressed or not. And if I am in a funk that's when I have hubby take care of bed time or bath time or outside time, whatever time needs to be handled so that my kids don't suffer because I'm burning out.
                The idiots of today are raising the disappointments of tomorrow and they don't even know that they're doing it. They swear they are good parents doing everything they can, but they're not doing anything! As for that idiot that has the third grader that was arrested for the fifth time since November, he never acts that way at home huh? Sure, you keep telling yourself that and maybe you'll even believe it one day. But remember, all the days you're not teaching your kid are doubled as days he'll be spending in jail as an adult. Hopefully when you talk the judge on his behalf and say, "But your honor, he doesn't act like this at home" the judge will lock you up for procreating under stupidity.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


                 Why am I procrastinating today? I haven't done a single thing on my list. I haven't done anything at all. I think the house just got smaller and the four walls are closing in on me. Cabin fever is a terrible thing and I've got it bad. I want to go somewhere, I want to do something,  but don't I want to clean my house, I don't want to be constructive, and I simply am not doing anything. Why? I still have an hour and a half before the children get home and I've yet to move my butt from this chair. I have successfully caught up on The Biggest Loser but I think I gained 5 pounds in the process. What process? I sit here and watch TV slack jawed. And here's the kicker, I don't even like to watch TV that much.
                Am I losing momentum? Have I resolved that this is as good as it gets? What motivation do I need? And why am I asking you? I wish I was one of those upbeat people that always got things done. But those people usually have a secret stash of cocaine or they steal their kids Ritalin. And I am not above many things, but substance abuse is not another problem I wish to have. I am too much of a snob to be a closet junkie, even if it means I'd have a clean house. Whenever someone shows up unexpectedly I always say the same thing, "Please excuse the mess, but I live here".
               I managed to turn off the TV and after this entry I will get the most important tasks done and not sweat the small stuff. But I really must address this sloth like behavior. I don't like it, it isn't like I feel rested after doing nothing, if anything I feel wasted. I talk about how smart and strong I am yet the chores are kicking my butt. I am tired of dishes and diapers, I am tired of phone calls and bills, I am tired of therapy appointments (none of which are mine) and most of all I am tired of being tired. Oh yeah, I'm also tired of complaining.
              Over the girls weekend we watched Sex and the City, and as much as I love those movies and the series, all it does is make me feel like I'm missing out on something. Why can't my life be like that? I used to live there, well, not in Manhattan, I lived in the Bronx. It was gritty and I wasn't allowed to leave my block without a group of friends or my brother, but it was fun and exciting. Well, at 15 anything and everything was fun and exciting. Now I'm in cow country and it smells for days, sometimes I can't open a window. The people make me feel like an alien from the right side of the tracks, and you have to drive everywhere. I have actually talked to hubby about moving to NY someday. It's a dream but at least it's a realistic dream. At least there I'd feel more at home.
             I've rambled on long enough, time to throw on some salsa and get to work. Even though my brain is whining "I don't wanna" I'm going to push myself to get the important things done. I'm sure after a while I'll build momentum and really get going. With my history momentum will show up after the kids are in bed and then I won't be able to sleep. Then instead of finishing the laundry, I'll park my rear on this chair and catch up on Desperate Housewives.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Morning After

                 Girls night in was a success. We had some drinks, lots of laughs, and lots and lots of food. I think we overshot the menu. We giggled until the wee hours of the morning just like kids, although we were giggling at some very adult humor. At one point I don't even think we knew what exactly was funny, we all just kept laughing at each other laughing, it was infectious and I had tears running down my cheek. The best laugh came after one of the silly questions, "Have you ever gone skinny dipping?" and my friend answered, "No, I've never been skinny dipping, but now I chunky dunk" we all burst out laughing and I could hardly breathe.
                After the giggles wore off we settled for some champagne and Sex and the City. It was the perfect end to the perfect evening. We were all in our grown up jammies sipping some bubbly and enjoying our sweet buzz. During the movie we would spontaneously shout out "That's SO me" when a character said or did something that we identified with. Again, a perfect evening that led into the wee hours of the morning. We didn't hit the sack until about 3:30 AM.
                This morning I woke up to a clean house and some fresh brewed coffee. I thought to myself, I've got wonderful friends. And I do. They take me for who I am as a whole. It is very rare to find people that not only accept you, but also want to spend time with you despite your flaws and eccentricities. The first of the group left early so she could get some decent sleep. Apparently my snoring kept her up all night, but in my defense my sinuses were acting up as I don't usually sleep on my back or snore loudly. The only reason she believed me is that we used to share a room as teens and has stayed overnight here before. Then there were three. We gabbed a little while until the next departure and then there were two. We watched Sex and the City II over breakfast and after the movie my last girl left.
             And then there was one. I am now enjoying some me time while I wait for my family to come home and snap me back to reality. I needed this break. Our little group borders on dysfunctional and group therapy. I think we have all been recharged for the week and I will forever remember our night in since it was indeed one of the best nights in my life. I may not have lived in the big city or been able to wear couture and enjoy fine dining, but sometimes nothing beats a night in the country, wearing your jammies, and making chocolate fondue with all your closest friends.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Girls Night In

             After my husband gets home he is taking the children and he's spending the weekend at his mother's house. He does this from time to time so I can have the house to myself, get my chores done quickly and loaf for the rest of the weekend. However, I'm not doing that this weekend; this weekend I'm having a Girls Night In. And I am super excited. I have had a friend spend the night here before, but it's always been only one at a time. This time there will be 4 of us and we're going to have a few drinks and have lots of laughs. It's a slumber party for grown ups, and I am greatly anticipating tomorrow. I feel like a teenager.
              I like to go out, but having a night out is too expensive, drinking and driving is a no-no so you can't have a margarita, and there's a time limit. But here we could get knee walking drunk and go to bed at 4AM and everyone would be safe as will my wallet. Now, I don't plan on getting drunk, but a nice little buzz will do :p The spread we'll have is another way we're saving money. No take out, everyone is making something and we'll have a mini buffet to pick at. Plus, if we're eating here, there's no one watching us stuff our faces or people waiting for our table.
              After the goodies and some drinks we're having a mock photo shoot so we can get goofy and mug for the camera for that perfect Facebook profile picture (it's good for the self esteem too). We're also going to have a series of girlie questions like "Have you ever asked someone when they were due and found out they weren't even pregnant?" or "Have you ever sprayed perfume on dirty clothes and worn them?" And we'll top off the evening with last year's hottest movie, Sex and the City II.
                  Spending time with my girls is something that's very important to me. It makes our bond stronger even if we're just being goofy. The point is that we can be ourselves and be silly and stuff our faces and even get a little tipsy. We don't have to watch our mouths or our manners, we can just be the uncouth burly boisterous women that we are. In our colorful group I've always been mother hen, lecturing and giving advice even when it's not wanted, so it's nice to let that label go and be the dork they all love. Even if all we do is wind up going to sleep since there's no kids or men to take care of, and our exhaustion may catch up with us before the first cocktail, that's okay, it will still be time well spent. Girls night is tomorrow and I can already tell you, I had a great time.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Our Daughters

                   Being a mother of two little girls it's easy to get caught up in the "you're so pretty" and "do you want to be a princess" stuff. I love the girlie things I can enjoy with them like makeup (playing of course) and clothes and dolls and nails. But there are important life lessons I want to teach them, I want them to be honorable, strong, independent and independent minded women. I want to give them all the things that my parents forgot to give to me. My parents love me and they did the best they could, but fact is that as a young adult I thought my only option was to find a man to take care of me. No one ever told me I was smart enough to do it on my own. I was told that I was smart, but no one encouraged me to go to school, I was told that I'm a hard worker, but no one told me the importance of saving and financial responsibility, and no one expressed the importance of being independent and enjoying life. I think they were too afraid to encourage these things out of fear that I'd get knocked up. Which I did in fact get knocked up (by my husband, my then boyfriend) and that was due to sheer ignorance. I was not talked to about sex, except of course what I heard over and over, "Keep your legs closed!" I didn't know what that meant! I was a kid. All I knew was, "Hey, this feels good!"
                   Too many girls are being duped, and it's coming from all sides. We've got boys that think sex and having kids makes you a man, instead of being taught to respect themselves and females, be careful, use protection, wait for love or at least for someone they like a lot at an older age. Fighting is another thing that's occurring too often with our young ladies today, being recorded and posted online like it's something to be proud of. The media is another one that feeds into the problem, making teen mothers look glamorous and emphasizing on looks and sex. It's okay if you rely on the school system to educate your daughters about the anatomical working of the reproductive organs, but no text book will explain the emotions that go along with sex especially at a young age, nor will the book go into detail about life as a teenage mother. Those conversations are the parent's responsibility and if you're uncomfortable, get a book, talk to your family Dr., do something to be able to tell your girls about those uncomfortable subjects.
                 Another problem facing young girls today is in fact, other young girls. We are in a "Mean Girls" era where there's cliques that make girls feel alienated and cattiness that can appear in girls in elementary school. There are 10 year old girls bullying online, having a Facebook page, and wearing makeup with little heels used to grind the other girls into the dirt. The fathers can never say "no" to their little princesses and the mothers live vicariously through their daughters. There are girls in elementary school with eating disorders! What is that??? Do the parents not see that they're ruining them? Do they really think it's overall healthy to allow a girl of 8 say she's on a diet? And it's usually another little girl that is the influence so she can have a diet buddy.
                When my daughters have asked me why I am so tired, I tell them the truth, "Being a mommy makes you tired". It's not mean, I don't want them to think that this is their only option, nor do I want to paint a rosy picture of motherhood. It is tough, so tough that even though men say moms have the fun job, fact is that if they really felt this way there would be more men fighting for joint custody of their children and there would be more stay at home dads. Try to argue with me on that one, I promise you I'll win that argument. When they've asked me, "Why don't you work?" I say "I take care of you, that's my work" or "Why didn't you go to school" I answer "I had you kids young, I didn't give myself that chance". Again these may seem like harsh answers, but my girls deserve to know the truth, I say these things kindly and gently using lots of love in my voice, but I refuse to fake fulfillment. My daughters need to know that there's more to life than serving a man and dirty diapers (from the baby, hopefully not from the man).
                   Many mornings my younger daughter (7) will ask me to find something for her, her socks, her shoes, her backpack, her homework. And every time I say "No, go solve your own problem. I'll help you, but not do it for you." You see, my little girl knows already that she's pretty and cute and can therefore turn on that vulnerable charm that will no doubt win men over in droves in the future, but she needs to understand that she is a smart capable girl and is able to find her own socks. In the future she may lose a job and instead of calling and asking for money, or depending on a boyfriend, she'll simply go out and find another. That's what I want for my girls. My older daughter (10) used to have a hard time with schoolwork and homework, and instead of at least trying, she wouldn't do any of it at all. She was so afraid to be wrong that she wouldn't even try. I had to talk with her teachers about being a little tougher on her so she can push herself and at home I helped her but never gave her the answers. She got it when I threatened punishment if she didn't at least try, and what do you know, she not only tried but she got her answers correct. I don't want my daughter's fear of failure to paralyze her and keep her from trying, she's better than that.
                     Even though women are becoming more and more empowered society still puts a stigma on women as emotional unstable creatures as a whole. It's not society's fault that only a few women have stepped up to the proverbial plate, that's our fault for not teaching our daughters that they can. Saying it is not enough, supporting them and encouraging them and understanding them, that's what we need to do. My wonderful, beautiful, well meaning mother was always trying to cushion the fall for me, but I never let her, I told her "Mom, sometimes I just need to talk, I don't need you to rescue me. I need to make my mistakes and fall a few times, if I don't how will I ever learn to get back up?" I said this when I was about 18, I didn't know much, but I knew I wanted to know more and the only way I could do that was to try and fail a few times. And since then I learned that I am a strong, capable, honorable, independent minded woman, and that's all I want for my daughters.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Game

                         I am SO tired of playing second fiddle to a video game system. Seriously, I think I'm beginning to feel insulted that a game that consists of shooting people online is more interesting than me. Maybe if I had some buttons implanted on my forehead he'd be interested in my mind. WTH??? The funny thing is that he can stay up all night and play until the wee hours of the morning but if he sits on the couch to watch a movie with me, he falls asleep within minutes. Then he wakes up later in the movie and I have to pause it to explain what's been going on. I love the man, I do, but this has got to stop. I have considered hiding all of his games and the controller for a month but I'm afraid he'd suffer withdrawal and have a stroke from the stress.
                       I understand that he works hard for our family and he should be entitled to some free time to indulge. I really don't mind if he jumps online to play for a couple of hours, but five hours straight all 7 days a week? I'm starting to feel like I have a teenager in the house not a husband. And since he stays up so late, he's eating a fourth meal so now he's also eating like a teenager. When I told him he was acting like a 15 year old boy, he said, "No I'm not, I don't do dumb stuff" I just made a face and he realized the bold lie of his statement. My husband is no dummy, but he's no Einstein either.
                    I told him during a serious conversation that he knows I am not completely happy. He knows that even though I'm good at the domestic role I've taken, I don't always like it. I told him, "I'm living your life, and you're missing it! You're not even enjoying all the things being done for you." And I meant every bit of it. He zones out, and I admit I do too sometimes, but while the children are awake, I'm very much present. And I don't zone out everyday for hours at a time. One time he was so zoned out that he didn't notice that our son had gotten into the cabinet, grabbed a bottle of olive oil (which is not cheap) and poured it all over the floor. He tried to clean it all up before I got home that day, but was unsuccessful and I noticed the odd sheen across the floor.
                    I am very grateful that I don't have to worry about the big marital fears; infidelity, drug abuse, spousal abuse, bad parenting, financial struggle or any other large problems like that. And while I don't have to fear some glossy lipped hussy stealing my man, I do have to fear the release of a new PS3 game. How do I compete with an electronic device? I suppose I could dress like that tart from Tomb Raider and hope he plays with my buttons. Don't get me wrong, he likes my buttons just fine, it's the loading time he's ignoring. He needs to remember that other people live here, and even though he's a diamond in the rough, we still kind of like him. I'm not going to lie, there are times when I've had my fill of deep conversation - "so what's for dinner?" - and I've told him, "Don't you want to play your game for a while?" and it's times like that I don't mind the game. I just wish he'd put as much effort into me as he does into finding the other team's flag.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


                     In my quest for personal growth I've had to take a long hard look at myself. I know that I am flawed, we all are. But the flaws I possess really bother me and I am working on changing them. One of my flaws is that my brain to mouth filter is on the fritz. I get many many many phone calls with complaints about one thing or another and I usually say what's on my mind. I have to literally bite my tongue sometimes. My self righteousness has gotten out of control. While I do believe I give great advice, I admit I'm not always cordial about it. I have to learn to stop worrying about whether or not my advice was taken. Would I take advice from someone as abrupt as me?
                  Another one I have got to stop completely is my gossiping. I talk about other people's lives more than I do my own. In fact, there are times when I actually start a conversation, "Hey! Wanna hear some gossip?" Ugh, it's disgusting and I'm ashamed to even type that. How can I complain about other people doing something I despise when I do it myself? I know that I avoid talking about myself by gossiping and criticizing others and there's a reason for that. Sometimes when I've had to vent about an issue that's bothering me I had been told by more than one friend about how easy I've got it. I admit, my life is not that hard, but by no means is it easy. And my problems are very real to me, and I'd like to be able to vent like anyone else. The problem is that my friends and relatives have a hard time relating to me. It's not their fault or mine, it's just the way it is. Thank God they love me. I always say, it's a miracle I have any friends at all.
                  Today's entry is not about beating myself up, but rather facing my flaws head on. Earlier today a friend was complaining about the same thing for the millionth time, and when I had no snarky comment she asked "Are you there?" I said, "Yes I'm still here...this is what listening sounds like". I was quite proud of myself for not pointing out that she's making bad relationship choices, which I've told her 999,999 times before. So what's the point of hurting her feelings? She knows what my opinion is. It surprised her that I had no comment besides, "I hope it all works out hon." and she finally found something else to talk about. It felt good being a friend that listens instead of lectures. Especially since I have only recently begun to take my own advice I'm saving all the lectures for myself.
                  I know that I will always be flawed in one way or another, but these two big ones can go. I can be opinionated without being obnoxious. I can have a chat with a girlfriend without talking about someone else. I can control my mouth and stop trying to fix someone else's life knowing that I have to work on my own. If I make these changes I know that not only will I be a better friend, but the friends that by some miracle I have now, will be friends for life.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Love Poems

Breathe for Me
Breathe again for me, I love to watch you breathe
I take in what you let out as your body heaves
I can read your thoughts by looking in your eyes
Can you feel me loving you every time I sigh?

Breathe again for me, I need your air to live
You fill me up every time your air to me you give
Close your eyes my liege and give me your command
Everything I'll do for you, this is where I stand

Breathe again for me, take me in with your inhale
I shall give you all of me, I promise not to fail
Take me in my love, I never want to leave
I will be right here forever, just to feel you breathe.

When I Watch You Sleep
It's late but I can't sleep, I'm too busy thinking of you.
The love I feel for you is deep, I want you through and through.
I want to lay next to you, I want to feel you against my skin.
Know that what I say is true, my heart you did win.
I know that you're not perfect, But you're perfect for me.
I am your loyal subject, I pledge my loyalty.
I want to close my eyes and rest, but I want to watch you dreaming.
I want you to lay upon my breast, as I think of all of you that I am keeping.
I love you so much I want to burst, my heart does bound and leap.
You are the wine that quenches my thirst, I know this when I watch you sleep.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Totem Pole

                   Taking care of yourself is something that should always be a priority. But when you have a husband, children, a household to run, a job to do, groceries to buy, chores to do (or in my case not do) before you know it, you're on the bottom of the totem pole. I realized this was happening to me not too long ago, and it had been happening for many years. How in the world did I allow this to happen? Why did I forget that I'm important too? I should be first in my life coming second only to God.
                   Too many people think that putting yourself first means not caring about other people, or they confuse instant gratification with happiness. That's not it at all. To put yourself first in the right way should be your goal. Health mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, those are the key ingredients of the happy gumbo. At 30 I am just now learning this and trying to put myself first, but in the right ways. It has taken me four years just to put my health first. As I've stated in a previous entry, I love the way I look, appearance is not what I'm talking about in physical health. What I mean is to be active, however you like. For me, I love to swim, I love the feeling of water all around me as I cut through it like a knife. Albeit a slow moving dull knife, but still a knife. I also love to walk. I could walk for hours, just thinking or bopping my head to some 90's hip hop. Doing something physical that makes me really happy.
                   "If Mom's not happy, no one's happy" is often tossed around and is as true as can be. (Granted the same is true for men/dads/husbands, but I'm a woman, so this is my point of view.) If I am no good to myself, then I will never be any good to anyone else. I wouldn't be a good or caring wife and mother, or daughter, sister, friend, cousin, neighbor etc. I would still be the scowl faced sad eyed woman that I was not too long ago. My neighbor told me about a dream she had about me before I started really putting myself first (again, in the right ways). She told me how the dream disturbed her, and I'm glad she did. Hearing about her dream and concern for me made me realize that my unhappiness had drifted all the way across the street and into her REM state causing nightmares. I had realized that I was last for far too long. I felt like I didn't exist anymore and was running on fumes. So, I decided to change immediately.
                           The first step was to get help. So, I found someone to talk to, and that's not easy for many people to admit, but I have no problem saying "Life's been a little rough, I need help". I made sure I had support from my loved ones and gave myself enough breaks to decompress. My second step was to put my health first, because without your health you can't function. The changes have been dramatic. No, I didn't become a size 6 since my last few entries. But I no longer feel like a slave to my own life. I no longer feel like I'm just going through the motions instead of actually living my life. It's like I was on autopilot for the last few years, and in a few months I took back the steering wheel of my life. I may not be able to do everything I want, but I'm making sure I do what I need to. Step three I'm still working on as well as steps one and two, because you see, I need maintenance. We all do. Why is it we'll maintain a car, a home, a bank account, but not ourselves? My car had to be more important than me right?
                       I know I make mistakes, but a big part of growing is to learn from them. I have always tried to learn from my mistakes, but I wasn't learning from the greatest mistake I was making. I was ignoring me. And in ignoring me I was ignoring life itself. I've always been a great advice giver, and I finally decided to take my own advice for once. I was tired of complaining about the same things for the last four years. I missed me, I missed my smile, I missed my laughter, I missed my happiness and joy. I still have quite a road ahead of me, but I'm feeling more and more optimistic of the outcome. Equipped with my happiness gumbo, I'm working my way back to the top of the totem pole.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Get Lost

                        Today I had to run some errands one of which was to pay a traffic ticket. I am not familiar with the courthouse and decided to use our GPS system which I have never used before. I was driving along when I heard the automated voice all but shout at me "TURN LEFT!" and eager as I was to please the demonic voice-in-a-box I couldn't turn left. There was no road for me to turn on. I glanced at the paper that had the name of the street scribbled on it and saw that it was just up ahead. As I approached the turning lane I braced myself for another verbal lashing but heard nothing. According to the GPS I was turning onto nothing and the image in the screen showed a little arrow representing me gliding above what looked like a desert.
                     I was on the phone with my girlfriend at the time and she heard the verbal abuse I had to suffer. We started laughing at how crazy all this technology is. Even with Google Maps, Map Quest, and GPS, I still have to write down directions and I often get lost. Especially since many newer streets don't even show up on the online maps and they never indicate the right or left side of the street as your destination. All those stupid online maps say is the name of the last street you have to turn on and how far you have to go. And without a left or right clarification I almost always drive right by whatever I'm looking for, because according to Map Quest it should have been in the middle of the road.
                     After I reached my destination I chatted with my friend for a while and we came to the same conclusion. There is no way artificial intelligence will ever exist. Our technologies are as stupid as their creators. I still can't get a soda machine to take a dollar bill let alone get a GLOBAL POSITIONING SYSTEM to globally position me and my destination. A navigation tool that couldn't find a court house but managed to find my last nerve. There are people in Japan that are making responsive androids yet I'm an arrow flying across a desert. Really???
                    I love technology, I love MP3 players and hand held video game systems, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my computers. But I hate GPS, Google Maps, and Map Quest. I'm convinced that these devices were created by men to tick off women. Instead of asking for directions like women advise, they create a navigation tool that makes me feel like a fool. I did derive some pleasure in explaining it's operation to my husband though, I felt smart, that is until I actually had to use it myself.
                  Now I'm back home, typing on my laptop, listening to my MP3 player, with my camera phone and Bluetooth next to me. See? I'm a tech kind of woman. But if I need directions, I'm calling the place I need to find, asking for landmarks, asking which side of the street is the building on, and jotting it all down on a scrap of paper. That way I will know not to expect a building in the middle of the road and I won't have that demonic voice-in-a-box yelling at me. And if I ever find that witch that they use for the GPS voice and that horrible self check out lane at the grocery store (I'm convinced it's the same creep of a lady) I'm going to walk right up to her and smack her for yelling at me and trying to get me lost.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Here I sit with a glass in my hand trying to make sense of my Pisces mind
Beethoven plays in my head while I try to relax and unwind
It's been a long day and I have writer's block
Since I'm not really a writer that last one's a shock

The children sleep soundly their bellies full as they dream
I guess I did my job today if they are as peaceful as they seem
Hubby ate a plate and settled for his favorite pastime
He's engrossed in his craft of saving the world one video game at a time

The sink is full of dishes and I am in desperate need of a bath
Time is running away tonight at a speed that's too fast
Father time needs to have a drink and leave me the hell alone
So I can relax and enjoy the night at a pace that's all my own

Knowing me I'll skip the chores and soak in the tub
With my Cosmo, a cig, and a glass of that red wine I love
Tomorrow the work will be there waiting for me to attack with all my might
But for now I think I'll relax and enjoy tonight


Monday, February 7, 2011

The Skinny

                    "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" Kate Moss said that a few years ago. That little quote has become the mantra of many self loathing (and oft hungry ladies) in the world. It's really sad to think that someone is so afraid of gaining a pound that they would never eat anything. To that I say, "Life is delicious, have a slice".
                    I am by nature a woman of size. I am full figured and quite voluptuous. Voluptuous by definition is luxurious, pleasing to the senses, sensual delight, in a nutshell a woman. I have always been larger than life, never having been on the smaller side I never knew what it was like and therefore don't really care. I'm not going to lie and say I've never wished I could pull off a cute bikini or a halter dress without looking pregnant. But I simply love flavor and hate exercise. But that's okay, because all in all I'm comfortable in my own skin. I love the beach and go at least every other year if not every year. It doesn't bother me to see the teensy weensy waifs in their little polka dot bikinis because that's who they are. I can appreciate all their hard work in the gym. Someone's gotta do it right?
                    What gets me is that I know so many amazing women that pick on themselves. I have a rather colorful group of friends, some larger and some smaller than me. And they almost always have something to pick at about their bodies or faces or hair or knees or some other physical attribute that seems just fine to me. Why do women do this to themselves? I can't completely blame the media, self loathing has been around long before Cosmo and Vogue. One of my closest friends has an amazing head of hair, her most beautiful feature is exactly what she's hated on for all the years I've known her. Only now in her 30's has she finally embraced her mane. Is it her age? Is it that she finally believes all the compliments she's given on nearly a daily basis? All I know is it's about time!
                   More and more women are becoming empowered in the work place, in relationships, even in the bedroom. But what about in the mirror? So few women really love the way they look, and most of them aren't close to my size. Here's a little conceited moment for me, I LOVE the way I look. I do want to lose weight and I'm sure I'll be logging my journey here, but I love the fact that I'm well proportioned and have a butt that would make the Kardashians blush. I also love my eyes and skin. For a while I wished I was darker like my mother and sister, but I realized that wishing for something I can't change was pointless, so I learned to embrace it. I have a khaki skin tone with dark hair that makes my eyes pop, what's not to love?
                  I always try to compliment my friends with honesty. I don't pacify any of my girls because they deserve to know the truth. No, you may not be able to pull off that polka dot bikini but a flair skirt and sandals would show off a great waist line. I'm not afraid to go around without makeup because Mom always told me, "Makeup is to enhance your features and beauty, too much and you'll cover it all up". And I'm very grateful to her for teaching me that. I wish women as a sex were as confident in their beauty as they are in other areas. Women need to stop picking at what's wrong and start focusing on what's right!
                   Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, except for cheesecake and cafe con leche late in the day, or a sand gritted sandwich and an ice cold beer on the beach, or a margarita with the girls. Food may not be what makes people happy, but it's a big part of our lives. It's okay to indulge or (gasp) eat something along with your salad. Starving yourself may give you the figure you want but will you really feel how you want?
                   I also have very small friends that wish they were more plump. I really feel for them because I can lose weight if I so choose, they cannot simply eat more and go up a cup size. They too are only now embracing how they look and realizing that being a size 0 does not mean they look like a twelve year old boy. They are feminine and soft just like their full figured counter parts. Acceptance and confidence does not depend on your dress size but on your ability to love yourself. My greatest insecurities are because of my undeveloped talents or lack of education, but I can change those things. I have never hated the way I looked because I know that I am beautiful to those that love me, not to mention a few appreciative passersby.
               Not every man is going to find every woman attractive. Some men like small women, some men like athletic women, some men like curvy but small waisted women. Men and women alike have many different preferences and tastes, it's okay if some men don't find me attractive, I already have one. I'll admit that when I get asked for my name I enjoy the ego boost, but that's all it is, nothing in my life changes. It isn't like a man whistles as me and all of a sudden I'm a genius or a world class baton twirler or something crazy like that. And women need to stop trying to be what every man wants. That's a game that has no winners.
               If Angelina Jolie were a customer service rep instead of an actress, admittedly she'd be one hot CSR, but she'd be considered a hot mess. And after making a reputation for herself she'd have a hard time finding dates. And while Brad Pitt is easy on the eyes, he's not this amazing Adonis of a man, he's just a man. Women really need to understand that women are beautiful by nature and if they just embrace their beauty it will make them all the more beautiful.
                    Embrace your hair, hands, ankles, waist, bust, butt, and whatever other weird hang ups you have. I have, and it's freeing to know that while Brad Pitt may not look in my direction, I am, and I love what I see, chubby cheeks (both sets) and all.

Saturday, February 5, 2011


                         Who says differences have do be reconcilable? My husband and I are as different as night and day. Anyone that knows us knows that we fight every other day. And every other day I want to leave him. Every other day he wants to leave me. So why don't we just call it quits? Well, on the days I want to leave him he convinces me to stay and on the days he wants to leave I cook dinner. We balance each other out in a way that makes sense to us (and apparently only us). My MIL asked me once, "Why don't you two get divorced already?" to which I replied, "The bastard won't leave. I can't shake him." And we had a hearty laugh at her son's expense. But truth is, no matter how sure I am of walking out the door, I have yet to pack a single article of clothing.
                     I admit I have fears of trying to start a new life on my own, especially with 3 kids, no formal education, and no job. But it's more than that. Hubby has things that I lack and vice-versa. We both have the same core values that are very important to us, God, family first, etc. But we are so opposite on other things such as, I'm an introvert but very social, he's an introvert and antisocial, I love to dance and he doesn't, I love quality flavorful food, he puts ketchup on his ketchup. Then there are bigger differences, the ones that keep me here, I talk too much but not about feelings and he never has much to say but he's clear on his feelings about me. I love to sleep and he's an early riser, so on the weekends he gets up with the kids so I can rest. I'm very messy and he hates messes, even though he can't wash a dish to save his life, he makes sure to clean up any clutter around the house. I'm a thinker he's a doer, I think about what must be done and he actually does what has to be done. We have little characteristics that balance us out.
                  When my friends first met him I was asked the same question by all of them "How the hell did this happen?" and I explained very simply, "I love the way he loves me". When hubby's friends first met me he was asked (more than once) "How'd you land her???" his answer, "I don't know." I know that I'm not always a peach, I can be quite difficult at times. Us being so opposite doesn't help during those difficult times because it's hard for us to understand the other one. But somehow we overcome whatever difference there was or we simply ignore it, whatever works best depending on the situation.
                  We have had some major arguments during the course of our marriage and I don't think we are suddenly going to stop fighting. But fighting is part of our way. It's ugly and gritty, but then again so is life itself. Fact is that two people are going to fight so long as it doesn't get too ugly, all's fair in love and war. And in a marriage, love is war. We have to set ground rules and reach a solution with as little egotistical casualty as possible. If I am losing a battle, I go for the throat, or I strip, either way, the battle is over and I usually win. Over the course of my marriage I realized something and I don't hide it and I am not embarrassed by it. Here it is: I'd rather fight with him than have it easier with someone else. He is the father of my children, it's taken me over 10 years to break him in. I don't have the time or energy to train a new one. Plus, he's kind of cute.
                   In the most recent years I noticed that I actually like him sometimes. Who knew?! We have a very different sense of humor, so when he says something witty it cracks me up because I never see it coming. Some nights I can't stand the sound of him breathing, but I cannot sleep unless he's snoring loudly next to me. I need his sleep apnea so I can rest peacefully. Now that's what I call balance in a marriage.