Friday, November 15, 2013


Have you ever tasted something so delectable that you savored it for a moment before swallowing? And throughout the rest of the meal you find yourself savoring each and every single bite until you're down to one last morsel and that's the one you savor the longest. Chewing slowly and possibly even making inappropriate sounds as you're enjoying it. Well, that's how I try to live my life, savoring every single morsel. There is an enormous amount of life in life and I want to appreciate and enjoy all of it, even the parts that quite frankly suck. But what is a meal without a vegetable? The parts that suck are the lessons of life. It's as if The Universe is saying, "Okay, enough dessert, here, have some broccoli". And that's alright. Broccoli is not the end of the meal, it's actually the best part. Despite the fact that it may not taste good, it's the nutrition you need to keep going. See where I'm going with this? Once you've had your veggies, you get dessert!
Alright, enough food analogies, I'm getting hungry.
What I'm saying is, life is meant to be enjoyed, including all the hiccups. Life, however, will not be enjoyable if all you see are hiccups. Life is hard, no doubt about that, but if all you have is hard you may want to revamp some things. People are so set in their ways and afraid to break out of their comfort zones that they just drone on and have absolutely no fulfillment at all. I refuse to be one of these drones. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days just like anyone else, but I do not have a bad life. Ah, that's the difference. Too often do we accept a slew of bad days as a bad life. This is tragic. My philosophy is quite simple. If you don't like something change it. I have heard the arguments, "You don't know how hard that is!" "I can't just change it!" To them I say "Stop making excuses!" Who says you can't change things you don't like? If you don't like where you live, save money and move. If you don't make enough money, work more and then move. If you don't like whom you are with, break up. But you don't want to be the bad guy? Trust me, staying in a bad relationship makes you the bad guy. If you don't like your job, quit. Want to take on a new career path, go to school. No money for school? Student loans, second jobs, and grants. Trust me it will be worth the effort in the end.
And don't give me this bull-pucky about the time and effort it would take to change because that's just an excuse. According to you your life already sucks, right? So, wouldn't making it suck for a positive change be worth it? It's going to suck anyway, so why not make it suck to your advantage?
My life is in shambles at the moment. And I'm okay with that. Why you ask? Well, because the end result will be spectacular! Chaos almost always precedes change. And really, isn't change what I needed?
What we need and what we want are too often confused with one another. I wanted stability but I needed some change. Can't have change without chaos. Don't misunderstand me, stability is quite important, but the right kind of stability, not of the mediocre variety. Getting by is simply not enough for a big spirit like me. For too long was I being stuffed into a box in which I simply didn't fit.
Here's where I am now, I am on a journey. My journey has taken me to new places and I've encountered new people. Some have given my life value and some have taught me about the type of person I don't want to be. Taking a shot is scary, especially when you don't know where to aim. So, I'm taking random shots just hoping to hit a target. But man oh man is it something to hear the gun go off! (Got that last line from a movie)
I have told a few people my life story, and it's a doozy! There are times when a person hearing my story will get a look on their face that I know all too well. To them I have always said the same thing, "Don't pity me. I don't do pity." And when told of my bravery I always say the same thing, "Are you kidding me??? I'm not brave! I'm scared out of my mind! But I have to keep going! I can't have come this far to turn and run back now!" My end result may still be far off. In the eyes of naysayers I may be lost, but I know for a fact that I am more found than they can comprehend. I stay true to myself and savor every morsel of life. Right now, I'm just finishing my broccoli.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Morning Ramblings

                I understand that most people do not understand me. But really, isn't that how all of us feel on some level? If all of mankind feels misunderstood, is it safe to say that maybe we simply aren't trying or revealing our true selves? How many times have you thought, "No one understands me. They say they do, but they don't. They think they know but they're not in MY shoes". Well, truth is, no one is in anyone else's shoes. Fact is, pain is pain, hurt is hurt, struggle is struggle, and just because they are in different forms or happening to different people doesn't make anyone's pain or struggle greater or more important. I'm not talking about extreme abuses, injustices, and suffering. I'm referring to our daily "okay" lives. One thing I think we can all agree on is that there are people that are suffering so horribly, that they'd trade places with us in a heartbeat. Injustices of all kinds; famine, homelessness, beatings, human trafficking, loved ones vanishing without a trace, murder, despair to the point of suicide, modern day slavery, cults...the list is truly endless. And in this list I realize that my problems are small potatoes. Yes, I'm struggling, you're struggling, bottom line is, we are all struggling. And our struggles are what makes us similar, not different.
            Aside from sociopaths, generally, we all care about one another. No person with an ounce of humanity actually wants someone else to hurt. Think about a sports event. When a team wins, the fans of said team are celebrating and hugging perfect strangers inviting one another to a tailgating celebration. Everyone is happy for the same reason and wants to share it with one another, even perfect strangers. So, why do we assume the same isn't true for times of struggle? "You don't know how I feel!" but what if we really do??? Why do we get so defensive in our feelings thinking we are the exception to the rules of emotions? In my humble opinion, it is in those times of grief or pain that I think we should reach out to one another. But here's the kicker, no one really wants the emotional burdens of another person, do they? Ah...therein lies the problem. We want to celebrate with one another, that's when we all understand and know how each other feels. But give us a moment of grief and then you're suddenly an emotional burden. Why have we conditioned ourselves this way? I once got a message from a friend and what they said pretty much sums up how we are. They said, "Hey, what's wrong with So-and-So? I'd ask myself but then I may be forced to help." When dealing with a personal issue another friend messaged me asking how I was doing, this was our exchange, "I'm okay. Such-and-such is going on but I'll be fine. No need to worry about me." the response I got was this, "I wasn't worried, just curious". I do not believe my friends to be callous at all, I believe they simply don't know how to handle negative situations. To be honest, neither do I. Don't think me some enlightened individual, because I'm not. In fact, if there's emotions involved, it kind of freaks me out. I am aware of this flaw. I'm just wondering how we got this way.
              I have been in need, and people have come through for me in ways that are truly humbling and wonderfully overwhelming. Their actions speak volumes. In celebration I have laughed and danced and enjoyed friends, family, and acquaintances, but when things would get emotionally ugly I'd hide, not wanting to burden anyone thinking "they don't understand me at all". I know I'm not the only one that does this.
           Truthfully, I don't even know where all of this is coming from. Just something I woke up thinking about. With my lack of social skills I find myself trying to understand people and for the most part, I simply don't understand people at all. But I do know that I don't like seeing people hurting in any way. So, even if I don't understand how someone feels simply for the fact that I am not them, I do know that it hurts me for them. I have been told more than once "You think too much. Stop trying to understand people." But I simply cannot. I will continue to try and understand because all of us feel misunderstood and that's not a very nice feeling. I have set boundaries on habitual violators that would use me as an emotional dumping ground, however, I will always try to be a person available to someone else even if I don't understand them.