Monday, August 31, 2015

Preset Reset

I knew I was going to wind up coming back to the place I've called home for the last 20 years. How did I know? Well, you see, I've moved to a few different cities and not once did I ever change the radio station presets in my vehicle. Not one channel. I'd find a station I liked and would stare at my crappy car radio thinking "I really should change these channels. None of them apply here." But I never did. My subconscious knew I'd make my way back and I'm certain my mini-tank agreed. 

I moved, and moved, and moved some more. I had plans and plans and plans. Not one of them ever worked out. While some may see these moves as failures I see them as a process of elimination. I was eliminating what didn't work. It's a little embarrassing because of (often well meaning) judgements and remarks. But still I'd move. You see, I'm a runner. And I'm quite alright with that. At least I can say I gave those cities and those goals the good ole college try. I know stability is important, but fact is we're not all built the same. I am very scared of change but I'm even more scared of regrets. I don't regret the lessons I've learned nor do I regret the bumps and scrapes along the way. Hell, I'm still licking my emotional wounds from the Big Flop in The Big Apple. 

I have been rebuilding my life for almost 4 years now. It wasn't easy to do the first go round and it's even more trying with a teenager, a preteen, and an Autizzy in tow. Every city I had been to I did the best I could and made mini versions of my life. But New York was definitely the most difficult. I was there for months and months and had not been able to get solid footing. My life was missing. I was a lesser version of myself. I felt trapped in someone else's life. The hustle and bustle, no eye contact, no acknowledgement of one another, people just droning through their crappy days, I couldn't do it anymore. To some that's home, to me that could never be home again. I would look around at all the brick buildings and think "They're large versions of solitary confinement and denizens here don't know they're not serving a life sentence. They can leave any time they want to". And after a not so grand exit off of an emotional roller coaster I realized that I can leave any time I want to. I was done. 

With my tail tucked between my legs I loaded my mini-tank and bid the Apple a not so fond farewell. The hardest thing to load was my damned pride. After I made such a big announcement of my previous moves I vowed that New York was the last time. No matter what I was going to make that my home. So when I added that vow to the list of vows I have broken over the years I was quite frankly humiliated. So I didn't make a big announcement. I just packed my things, loaded them up, swallowed my pride, and left before the sun came up. I was not sad to say "Good riddance" to the Apple and the bad seeds that were rotten to the core. I was pissed at myself for being so foolish. I was judging myself harder than anyone else had. No one else was doing this to me, I was doing this to myself. 

I'm not sure at what point in the over 800 mile ride I finally cut the sh*t, but I did. Like many things in my life I started to let go. I let go of another city, another try, another struggle, another person. I let go. The further I drove the less the tears fell. The farther I drove from the Red Delicious Mausoleum the closer I got to familiar life. MY life. My loved ones didn't laugh at me. Not once did I hear "I told you so". What I got was "I'm sorry it didn't work out. But I'm so happy you're home" full of love and sincerity as evident by the eye contact and lung crushing embraces. 

Since I've been back I have once again been giving myself time to heal. This has been one crazy ride. I've had to get the Minions settled in our old new lives. School registrations. School supplies as the schools here are three weeks in as opposed to New York which hasn't even started yet. Tons of paperwork and meetings for The Autistic Avenger. Making the bedroom our own complete with bunk beds I put together myself thank you very much. Work a little here and there to put some money in my pocket. I have been busy busy busy and one more task might do me in. It's a good thing I don't have to change the presets on my car radio.