Monday, August 19, 2013

Weekend Madness

            So, this weekend was eventful. It all started when my tribe and I were getting ready to go visit a friend and help her prepare for her daughter's 5th birthday party. She came over to help me get ready to help her. As it came my turn to get into the shower I asked her to please watch my special little guy while I bathed. She obliged and I thought I was going to be able to experience the first daytime shower in ages. I thought wrong. I was getting my groom on when I heard my son at the door. My friend distracted lasted for 30 seconds. He noticed a stack of video games that belong to his uncle and proceeded to throw them around. When gently reprimanded he throws himself into a tizzy which normally would have had me running out of the bathroom. But I couldn't because his uncle was sitting on a couch that is right by the bathroom door. So I command said uncle to close his eyes and called to my son, "Papi, mommy's right here. Come here, I'm right here". The boy came running. Rewarding bad behavior at it's finest ladies and gentlemen. Don't judge me. As we exited the bathroom once I was finally properly clothed, he comes out just happy as can be. I told his uncle and my friend, "You see, there's the difference. That's not autism, that's pain-in-the-ass-ism".
            The following day (yesterday) was the day of the party. We arrive and The Autistic Avenger is behaving wonderfully and having a lovely time. That was until someone brought a gift bag accessorized with a Mylar Balloon. I forgot to mention to anyone that balloons are his weakness, his Kryptonite if you will. He took one look at the purple and pink metallic aircraft and it was on. He darted for the table that displayed his weakness proudly upon it as I tried to keep up. I was checking bodies and I'm pretty sure I knocked down a few old people, I can't be sure though, but I was tossing out insincere "I'm sorry"s as I was trying to grab my special little guy that suddenly moved faster than the Tasmanian Devil. I do believe he morphed into a tornado at one point. I really can't be too sure as it was all a blur. My friend saw the madness unfolding before her and grabbed the Mylar temptress and freed her from her ribbon and ran her to the car for safety. Crisis averted, or so we thought. Because not 5 minutes passed (he was calm by then) when guests arrived and there were balloons in every hand! I'm starting to think the invitations said "Bring balloons". As the birthday girl's older brother came down the walkway gripping two large bunches of balloons I knew it was over. Everything began to move in slow motion, I heard the Jaws theme begin to play "da-dum, da-dum, da-dum! da-dum! da-dum!", my life flashed before my eyes and they widened in terror, I scooped up my son and said "Well, gotta go!" and ran him to the car while covering his eyes. I begged off explaining that he would not understand that the balloons are decorative and he cannot have them all. All he would think is there are balloons around and all the adults are too stupid to know they all belong to him.
             I know my friends and family felt bad that he missed the rest of the party, but to be honest, he doesn't know what a party or a birthday really is. Once in the van he hopped into his car seat ready to boogie on home. He'd had enough excitement for one day. Our presence at the party lasted for 1 hour, 7 minutes, and 23 seconds. That's a new record. Once we got home he grabbed a snack of oatmeal and bananas, turned on Mickey Mouse Club House, propped his feet up on the table, smiled at me and patted the seat next to him gesturing for me to join him. I did. I kissed his head, he shooed me away as to say "Now I didn't say all that lady, just sit there and look pretty". We watched cartoons until I began to doze off, at which point I'm pretty sure I heard my non-verbal son say, "Yes Mommy, you look's a good thing I brought you home for a nap".

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

                 Once again another long pause in between posts. There has been much life going on. I have found myself on an incredible albeit difficult journey these past months. There's also a small matter of a Facebook addiction I won't delve into >.< Not to mention I have been cheating on my blog with my journal. There's just something about penning my thoughts as opposed to typing them.
That being said...
                 Much has changed in my life these recent months. Very humbling experiences that's for sure. My children are growing at a rate that quite frankly terrifies me. My oldest daughter is now 12 and getting all lumpy. My classic middle child syndromed daughter is now 9 and I do believe her IQ is now higher than my weight. My son is now 6 and I am considering legally changing his name to The Autistic Avenger. They are what keeps me young yet in some cruel irony I'm almost certain they have also shortened my life span. Their transition over the last months has been difficult yet steady for the most part. Truth is, they inspire me with their resilience. I could not be more proud of my minions.
                As for myself...well, there's a book to be written. I have found myself going from "I don't need anyone" to "Please sir, may I have some more". But all in all I have discovered a drive within me that I did not think I possessed. There is something to be said for humility that's for sure. Sometimes I think about giving up, but I just can't seem to. It's just not in me. My path may be a long and winding one, but I must see where it goes. Where is this life going to take me? More importantly, where am I going to take my life. I had to force myself to start living my life instead of just surviving it. I am still the same person yet different somehow. I laugh more, smile more, dance more, sing more, I am more. And I want more. No, I NEED more. More life. And in losing pretty much everything, that's what I gained. Life. The wonderful thing about losing damn near everything is I've got nothing left to lose. What I did not lose was myself nor sight of what's important. I am not where I want to be in my life, but maybe, just maybe, I am where I need to be. Learning to decipher the difference between want and need is a hard lesson. But how can I value what I have if I have not suffered a loss? How can I know what I need unless I need it? And how can I teach my children lessons I have not learned myself?
               One of the greatest lessons I've learned is value. I have learned the value of people. I already had an idea. But I have a hard time allowing anyone close to me. How can they leave if I never let them in. That's some heavy baggage to carry around. My situation and struggles have forced me to allow people closer to me. It's still a work in progress. I'm still a work in progress. Working on myself and earning my own value is greater than any paycheck. Allowing myself to feel has been another daily struggle. But piece by piece, brick by brick, I'm chipping away at the wall.
             One of the greatest injustices I've done to myself is that I have not allowed myself to feel. And that numbness I've mentioned before was making me ache. But you see, now that I am here at this moment, I am glad for the suffering, for without it the joys would not be so great. Is it not the cold that makes the warmth better? Is it not the rain that makes the sun shine brighter? I know that the position that I am in and the struggles I face are not a life sentence. But in order to get out, I must make it through. Yes, I have lost. I have lost a home, a marriage, and what I thought was a planned life. But what I have gained was worth the cost. Yes, I have lost a lot. But I have gained so much more. And the best part is, I'm still gaining.