Parents

                  What is with parents today? No wonder old people hate our generation, the parents of my generation are lazy as hell. When I read about a kid getting arrested in the third grade for fighting with teachers it irked me, but what really made my blood boil was reading the quote from the idiotic mother, "I don't know why he's acting like this, he doesn't do this at home". I'm sure! At home he's a perfect little gentleman and at school he's Mr. Hyde. If that lady was my friend I'd dump her right away, that's how stupid she is.
                  Most parents today think they have one job as parents and that's to make sure the kids don't die. And in my personal opinion that type of parent is simply lucky there because that type of parent almost always has a very undisciplined child. My children aren't perfect, but they do know that they aren't allowed to drive the family car no matter how much they don't want to go to church. I also hate reading about the toddler that leaves the house wearing nothing but a diaper at 2AM, what is that?!?! Doorknob covers are only about $3 for a pack of 4, so put down the blunt and get some doggone doorknob covers!
                 Too many children are not being raised, notice I said "not being raised", not "not being raised properly". Not being raised properly would imply that there was some type of effort on the parents' part, and I'm noticing more and more lately that there is no effort whatsoever. Again, put the blunt down, log off of Facebook, stop texting and step away from the phone, and try asking your kid how their day went, help them with homework, sit down to a meal and talk to the kid. You'll come to find that they aren't as bothersome when they are getting the attention they deserve.
                I've heard more than once about my perfect kids. And even though I was told about how lucky I am in a loving and joking way, one day I snapped. I told each person that made a comment about my "perfect" kids that they are not perfect, just well behaved, and each time I said that, I pointed right at my girls and said firmly, "That took a LOT of hard work! I'm not lucky, they aren't well behaved sweet well adjusted healthy children by mistake! I did that!" It's been weeks since I've heard about my perfect kids. It's not that I don't like hearing compliments about my kids, what bothers me is that many don't understand that I have worked damn hard to try to raise my kids well. I'm sure I'm messing up one way or another, but I'll do the best I can and educate myself on parenting so I can address issues that I am ignorant about.
                Too many parents don't teach manners, courtesy, kindness, cleanliness or even hygiene; basically they don't teach the things that separate us from other hairy primates. And I'll be doggone if my kids are going to be running in and out of this house at all hours of the day and night smelling of the street. What many don't understand is that life starts the day you're born, and from the day my children were born I've been raising, loving, teaching, listening, praying, hoping, and simply trying. I'm not a perfect mother, but I strive to be a good mother each and every day, whether I'm busy or not, tired or not, depressed or not. And if I am in a funk that's when I have hubby take care of bed time or bath time or outside time, whatever time needs to be handled so that my kids don't suffer because I'm burning out.
                The idiots of today are raising the disappointments of tomorrow and they don't even know that they're doing it. They swear they are good parents doing everything they can, but they're not doing anything! As for that idiot that has the third grader that was arrested for the fifth time since November, he never acts that way at home huh? Sure, you keep telling yourself that and maybe you'll even believe it one day. But remember, all the days you're not teaching your kid are doubled as days he'll be spending in jail as an adult. Hopefully when you talk the judge on his behalf and say, "But your honor, he doesn't act like this at home" the judge will lock you up for procreating under stupidity.

Procrastination

                 Why am I procrastinating today? I haven't done a single thing on my list. I haven't done anything at all. I think the house just got smaller and the four walls are closing in on me. Cabin fever is a terrible thing and I've got it bad. I want to go somewhere, I want to do something,  but don't I want to clean my house, I don't want to be constructive, and I simply am not doing anything. Why? I still have an hour and a half before the children get home and I've yet to move my butt from this chair. I have successfully caught up on The Biggest Loser but I think I gained 5 pounds in the process. What process? I sit here and watch TV slack jawed. And here's the kicker, I don't even like to watch TV that much.
                Am I losing momentum? Have I resolved that this is as good as it gets? What motivation do I need? And why am I asking you? I wish I was one of those upbeat people that always got things done. But those people usually have a secret stash of cocaine or they steal their kids Ritalin. And I am not above many things, but substance abuse is not another problem I wish to have. I am too much of a snob to be a closet junkie, even if it means I'd have a clean house. Whenever someone shows up unexpectedly I always say the same thing, "Please excuse the mess, but I live here".
               I managed to turn off the TV and after this entry I will get the most important tasks done and not sweat the small stuff. But I really must address this sloth like behavior. I don't like it, it isn't like I feel rested after doing nothing, if anything I feel wasted. I talk about how smart and strong I am yet the chores are kicking my butt. I am tired of dishes and diapers, I am tired of phone calls and bills, I am tired of therapy appointments (none of which are mine) and most of all I am tired of being tired. Oh yeah, I'm also tired of complaining.
              Over the girls weekend we watched Sex and the City, and as much as I love those movies and the series, all it does is make me feel like I'm missing out on something. Why can't my life be like that? I used to live there, well, not in Manhattan, I lived in the Bronx. It was gritty and I wasn't allowed to leave my block without a group of friends or my brother, but it was fun and exciting. Well, at 15 anything and everything was fun and exciting. Now I'm in cow country and it smells for days, sometimes I can't open a window. The people make me feel like an alien from the right side of the tracks, and you have to drive everywhere. I have actually talked to hubby about moving to NY someday. It's a dream but at least it's a realistic dream. At least there I'd feel more at home.
             I've rambled on long enough, time to throw on some salsa and get to work. Even though my brain is whining "I don't wanna" I'm going to push myself to get the important things done. I'm sure after a while I'll build momentum and really get going. With my history momentum will show up after the kids are in bed and then I won't be able to sleep. Then instead of finishing the laundry, I'll park my rear on this chair and catch up on Desperate Housewives.

The Morning After

                 Girls night in was a success. We had some drinks, lots of laughs, and lots and lots of food. I think we overshot the menu. We giggled until the wee hours of the morning just like kids, although we were giggling at some very adult humor. At one point I don't even think we knew what exactly was funny, we all just kept laughing at each other laughing, it was infectious and I had tears running down my cheek. The best laugh came after one of the silly questions, "Have you ever gone skinny dipping?" and my friend answered, "No, I've never been skinny dipping, but now I chunky dunk" we all burst out laughing and I could hardly breathe.
                After the giggles wore off we settled for some champagne and Sex and the City. It was the perfect end to the perfect evening. We were all in our grown up jammies sipping some bubbly and enjoying our sweet buzz. During the movie we would spontaneously shout out "That's SO me" when a character said or did something that we identified with. Again, a perfect evening that led into the wee hours of the morning. We didn't hit the sack until about 3:30 AM.
                This morning I woke up to a clean house and some fresh brewed coffee. I thought to myself, I've got wonderful friends. And I do. They take me for who I am as a whole. It is very rare to find people that not only accept you, but also want to spend time with you despite your flaws and eccentricities. The first of the group left early so she could get some decent sleep. Apparently my snoring kept her up all night, but in my defense my sinuses were acting up as I don't usually sleep on my back or snore loudly. The only reason she believed me is that we used to share a room as teens and has stayed overnight here before. Then there were three. We gabbed a little while until the next departure and then there were two. We watched Sex and the City II over breakfast and after the movie my last girl left.
             And then there was one. I am now enjoying some me time while I wait for my family to come home and snap me back to reality. I needed this break. Our little group borders on dysfunctional and group therapy. I think we have all been recharged for the week and I will forever remember our night in since it was indeed one of the best nights in my life. I may not have lived in the big city or been able to wear couture and enjoy fine dining, but sometimes nothing beats a night in the country, wearing your jammies, and making chocolate fondue with all your closest friends.

Girls Night In

             After my husband gets home he is taking the children and he's spending the weekend at his mother's house. He does this from time to time so I can have the house to myself, get my chores done quickly and loaf for the rest of the weekend. However, I'm not doing that this weekend; this weekend I'm having a Girls Night In. And I am super excited. I have had a friend spend the night here before, but it's always been only one at a time. This time there will be 4 of us and we're going to have a few drinks and have lots of laughs. It's a slumber party for grown ups, and I am greatly anticipating tomorrow. I feel like a teenager.
              I like to go out, but having a night out is too expensive, drinking and driving is a no-no so you can't have a margarita, and there's a time limit. But here we could get knee walking drunk and go to bed at 4AM and everyone would be safe as will my wallet. Now, I don't plan on getting drunk, but a nice little buzz will do :p The spread we'll have is another way we're saving money. No take out, everyone is making something and we'll have a mini buffet to pick at. Plus, if we're eating here, there's no one watching us stuff our faces or people waiting for our table.
              After the goodies and some drinks we're having a mock photo shoot so we can get goofy and mug for the camera for that perfect Facebook profile picture (it's good for the self esteem too). We're also going to have a series of girlie questions like "Have you ever asked someone when they were due and found out they weren't even pregnant?" or "Have you ever sprayed perfume on dirty clothes and worn them?" And we'll top off the evening with last year's hottest movie, Sex and the City II.
                  Spending time with my girls is something that's very important to me. It makes our bond stronger even if we're just being goofy. The point is that we can be ourselves and be silly and stuff our faces and even get a little tipsy. We don't have to watch our mouths or our manners, we can just be the uncouth burly boisterous women that we are. In our colorful group I've always been mother hen, lecturing and giving advice even when it's not wanted, so it's nice to let that label go and be the dork they all love. Even if all we do is wind up going to sleep since there's no kids or men to take care of, and our exhaustion may catch up with us before the first cocktail, that's okay, it will still be time well spent. Girls night is tomorrow and I can already tell you, I had a great time.

Our Daughters

                   Being a mother of two little girls it's easy to get caught up in the "you're so pretty" and "do you want to be a princess" stuff. I love the girlie things I can enjoy with them like makeup (playing of course) and clothes and dolls and nails. But there are important life lessons I want to teach them, I want them to be honorable, strong, independent and independent minded women. I want to give them all the things that my parents forgot to give to me. My parents love me and they did the best they could, but fact is that as a young adult I thought my only option was to find a man to take care of me. No one ever told me I was smart enough to do it on my own. I was told that I was smart, but no one encouraged me to go to school, I was told that I'm a hard worker, but no one told me the importance of saving and financial responsibility, and no one expressed the importance of being independent and enjoying life. I think they were too afraid to encourage these things out of fear that I'd get knocked up. Which I did in fact get knocked up (by my husband, my then boyfriend) and that was due to sheer ignorance. I was not talked to about sex, except of course what I heard over and over, "Keep your legs closed!" I didn't know what that meant! I was a kid. All I knew was, "Hey, this feels good!"
                   Too many girls are being duped, and it's coming from all sides. We've got boys that think sex and having kids makes you a man, instead of being taught to respect themselves and females, be careful, use protection, wait for love or at least for someone they like a lot at an older age. Fighting is another thing that's occurring too often with our young ladies today, being recorded and posted online like it's something to be proud of. The media is another one that feeds into the problem, making teen mothers look glamorous and emphasizing on looks and sex. It's okay if you rely on the school system to educate your daughters about the anatomical working of the reproductive organs, but no text book will explain the emotions that go along with sex especially at a young age, nor will the book go into detail about life as a teenage mother. Those conversations are the parent's responsibility and if you're uncomfortable, get a book, talk to your family Dr., do something to be able to tell your girls about those uncomfortable subjects.
                 Another problem facing young girls today is in fact, other young girls. We are in a "Mean Girls" era where there's cliques that make girls feel alienated and cattiness that can appear in girls in elementary school. There are 10 year old girls bullying online, having a Facebook page, and wearing makeup with little heels used to grind the other girls into the dirt. The fathers can never say "no" to their little princesses and the mothers live vicariously through their daughters. There are girls in elementary school with eating disorders! What is that??? Do the parents not see that they're ruining them? Do they really think it's overall healthy to allow a girl of 8 say she's on a diet? And it's usually another little girl that is the influence so she can have a diet buddy.
                When my daughters have asked me why I am so tired, I tell them the truth, "Being a mommy makes you tired". It's not mean, I don't want them to think that this is their only option, nor do I want to paint a rosy picture of motherhood. It is tough, so tough that even though men say moms have the fun job, fact is that if they really felt this way there would be more men fighting for joint custody of their children and there would be more stay at home dads. Try to argue with me on that one, I promise you I'll win that argument. When they've asked me, "Why don't you work?" I say "I take care of you, that's my work" or "Why didn't you go to school" I answer "I had you kids young, I didn't give myself that chance". Again these may seem like harsh answers, but my girls deserve to know the truth, I say these things kindly and gently using lots of love in my voice, but I refuse to fake fulfillment. My daughters need to know that there's more to life than serving a man and dirty diapers (from the baby, hopefully not from the man).
                   Many mornings my younger daughter (7) will ask me to find something for her, her socks, her shoes, her backpack, her homework. And every time I say "No, go solve your own problem. I'll help you, but not do it for you." You see, my little girl knows already that she's pretty and cute and can therefore turn on that vulnerable charm that will no doubt win men over in droves in the future, but she needs to understand that she is a smart capable girl and is able to find her own socks. In the future she may lose a job and instead of calling and asking for money, or depending on a boyfriend, she'll simply go out and find another. That's what I want for my girls. My older daughter (10) used to have a hard time with schoolwork and homework, and instead of at least trying, she wouldn't do any of it at all. She was so afraid to be wrong that she wouldn't even try. I had to talk with her teachers about being a little tougher on her so she can push herself and at home I helped her but never gave her the answers. She got it when I threatened punishment if she didn't at least try, and what do you know, she not only tried but she got her answers correct. I don't want my daughter's fear of failure to paralyze her and keep her from trying, she's better than that.
                     Even though women are becoming more and more empowered society still puts a stigma on women as emotional unstable creatures as a whole. It's not society's fault that only a few women have stepped up to the proverbial plate, that's our fault for not teaching our daughters that they can. Saying it is not enough, supporting them and encouraging them and understanding them, that's what we need to do. My wonderful, beautiful, well meaning mother was always trying to cushion the fall for me, but I never let her, I told her "Mom, sometimes I just need to talk, I don't need you to rescue me. I need to make my mistakes and fall a few times, if I don't how will I ever learn to get back up?" I said this when I was about 18, I didn't know much, but I knew I wanted to know more and the only way I could do that was to try and fail a few times. And since then I learned that I am a strong, capable, honorable, independent minded woman, and that's all I want for my daughters.

The Game

                         I am SO tired of playing second fiddle to a video game system. Seriously, I think I'm beginning to feel insulted that a game that consists of shooting people online is more interesting than me. Maybe if I had some buttons implanted on my forehead he'd be interested in my mind. WTH??? The funny thing is that he can stay up all night and play until the wee hours of the morning but if he sits on the couch to watch a movie with me, he falls asleep within minutes. Then he wakes up later in the movie and I have to pause it to explain what's been going on. I love the man, I do, but this has got to stop. I have considered hiding all of his games and the controller for a month but I'm afraid he'd suffer withdrawal and have a stroke from the stress.
                       I understand that he works hard for our family and he should be entitled to some free time to indulge. I really don't mind if he jumps online to play for a couple of hours, but five hours straight all 7 days a week? I'm starting to feel like I have a teenager in the house not a husband. And since he stays up so late, he's eating a fourth meal so now he's also eating like a teenager. When I told him he was acting like a 15 year old boy, he said, "No I'm not, I don't do dumb stuff" I just made a face and he realized the bold lie of his statement. My husband is no dummy, but he's no Einstein either.
                    I told him during a serious conversation that he knows I am not completely happy. He knows that even though I'm good at the domestic role I've taken, I don't always like it. I told him, "I'm living your life, and you're missing it! You're not even enjoying all the things being done for you." And I meant every bit of it. He zones out, and I admit I do too sometimes, but while the children are awake, I'm very much present. And I don't zone out everyday for hours at a time. One time he was so zoned out that he didn't notice that our son had gotten into the cabinet, grabbed a bottle of olive oil (which is not cheap) and poured it all over the floor. He tried to clean it all up before I got home that day, but was unsuccessful and I noticed the odd sheen across the floor.
                    I am very grateful that I don't have to worry about the big marital fears; infidelity, drug abuse, spousal abuse, bad parenting, financial struggle or any other large problems like that. And while I don't have to fear some glossy lipped hussy stealing my man, I do have to fear the release of a new PS3 game. How do I compete with an electronic device? I suppose I could dress like that tart from Tomb Raider and hope he plays with my buttons. Don't get me wrong, he likes my buttons just fine, it's the loading time he's ignoring. He needs to remember that other people live here, and even though he's a diamond in the rough, we still kind of like him. I'm not going to lie, there are times when I've had my fill of deep conversation - "so what's for dinner?" - and I've told him, "Don't you want to play your game for a while?" and it's times like that I don't mind the game. I just wish he'd put as much effort into me as he does into finding the other team's flag.

Flaws

                     In my quest for personal growth I've had to take a long hard look at myself. I know that I am flawed, we all are. But the flaws I possess really bother me and I am working on changing them. One of my flaws is that my brain to mouth filter is on the fritz. I get many many many phone calls with complaints about one thing or another and I usually say what's on my mind. I have to literally bite my tongue sometimes. My self righteousness has gotten out of control. While I do believe I give great advice, I admit I'm not always cordial about it. I have to learn to stop worrying about whether or not my advice was taken. Would I take advice from someone as abrupt as me?
                  Another one I have got to stop completely is my gossiping. I talk about other people's lives more than I do my own. In fact, there are times when I actually start a conversation, "Hey! Wanna hear some gossip?" Ugh, it's disgusting and I'm ashamed to even type that. How can I complain about other people doing something I despise when I do it myself? I know that I avoid talking about myself by gossiping and criticizing others and there's a reason for that. Sometimes when I've had to vent about an issue that's bothering me I had been told by more than one friend about how easy I've got it. I admit, my life is not that hard, but by no means is it easy. And my problems are very real to me, and I'd like to be able to vent like anyone else. The problem is that my friends and relatives have a hard time relating to me. It's not their fault or mine, it's just the way it is. Thank God they love me. I always say, it's a miracle I have any friends at all.
                  Today's entry is not about beating myself up, but rather facing my flaws head on. Earlier today a friend was complaining about the same thing for the millionth time, and when I had no snarky comment she asked "Are you there?" I said, "Yes I'm still here...this is what listening sounds like". I was quite proud of myself for not pointing out that she's making bad relationship choices, which I've told her 999,999 times before. So what's the point of hurting her feelings? She knows what my opinion is. It surprised her that I had no comment besides, "I hope it all works out hon." and she finally found something else to talk about. It felt good being a friend that listens instead of lectures. Especially since I have only recently begun to take my own advice I'm saving all the lectures for myself.
                  I know that I will always be flawed in one way or another, but these two big ones can go. I can be opinionated without being obnoxious. I can have a chat with a girlfriend without talking about someone else. I can control my mouth and stop trying to fix someone else's life knowing that I have to work on my own. If I make these changes I know that not only will I be a better friend, but the friends that by some miracle I have now, will be friends for life.

Love Poems

Breathe for Me
Breathe again for me, I love to watch you breathe
I take in what you let out as your body heaves
I can read your thoughts by looking in your eyes
Can you feel me loving you every time I sigh?

Breathe again for me, I need your air to live
You fill me up every time your air to me you give
Close your eyes my liege and give me your command
Everything I'll do for you, this is where I stand

Breathe again for me, take me in with your inhale
I shall give you all of me, I promise not to fail
Take me in my love, I never want to leave
I will be right here forever, just to feel you breathe.

When I Watch You Sleep
It's late but I can't sleep, I'm too busy thinking of you.
The love I feel for you is deep, I want you through and through.
I want to lay next to you, I want to feel you against my skin.
Know that what I say is true, my heart you did win.
I know that you're not perfect, But you're perfect for me.
I am your loyal subject, I pledge my loyalty.
I want to close my eyes and rest, but I want to watch you dreaming.
I want you to lay upon my breast, as I think of all of you that I am keeping.
I love you so much I want to burst, my heart does bound and leap.
You are the wine that quenches my thirst, I know this when I watch you sleep.

Totem Pole

                   Taking care of yourself is something that should always be a priority. But when you have a husband, children, a household to run, a job to do, groceries to buy, chores to do (or in my case not do) before you know it, you're on the bottom of the totem pole. I realized this was happening to me not too long ago, and it had been happening for many years. How in the world did I allow this to happen? Why did I forget that I'm important too? I should be first in my life coming second only to God.
                   Too many people think that putting yourself first means not caring about other people, or they confuse instant gratification with happiness. That's not it at all. To put yourself first in the right way should be your goal. Health mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, those are the key ingredients of the happy gumbo. At 30 I am just now learning this and trying to put myself first, but in the right ways. It has taken me four years just to put my health first. As I've stated in a previous entry, I love the way I look, appearance is not what I'm talking about in physical health. What I mean is to be active, however you like. For me, I love to swim, I love the feeling of water all around me as I cut through it like a knife. Albeit a slow moving dull knife, but still a knife. I also love to walk. I could walk for hours, just thinking or bopping my head to some 90's hip hop. Doing something physical that makes me really happy.
                   "If Mom's not happy, no one's happy" is often tossed around and is as true as can be. (Granted the same is true for men/dads/husbands, but I'm a woman, so this is my point of view.) If I am no good to myself, then I will never be any good to anyone else. I wouldn't be a good or caring wife and mother, or daughter, sister, friend, cousin, neighbor etc. I would still be the scowl faced sad eyed woman that I was not too long ago. My neighbor told me about a dream she had about me before I started really putting myself first (again, in the right ways). She told me how the dream disturbed her, and I'm glad she did. Hearing about her dream and concern for me made me realize that my unhappiness had drifted all the way across the street and into her REM state causing nightmares. I had realized that I was last for far too long. I felt like I didn't exist anymore and was running on fumes. So, I decided to change immediately.
                           The first step was to get help. So, I found someone to talk to, and that's not easy for many people to admit, but I have no problem saying "Life's been a little rough, I need help". I made sure I had support from my loved ones and gave myself enough breaks to decompress. My second step was to put my health first, because without your health you can't function. The changes have been dramatic. No, I didn't become a size 6 since my last few entries. But I no longer feel like a slave to my own life. I no longer feel like I'm just going through the motions instead of actually living my life. It's like I was on autopilot for the last few years, and in a few months I took back the steering wheel of my life. I may not be able to do everything I want, but I'm making sure I do what I need to. Step three I'm still working on as well as steps one and two, because you see, I need maintenance. We all do. Why is it we'll maintain a car, a home, a bank account, but not ourselves? My car had to be more important than me right?
                       I know I make mistakes, but a big part of growing is to learn from them. I have always tried to learn from my mistakes, but I wasn't learning from the greatest mistake I was making. I was ignoring me. And in ignoring me I was ignoring life itself. I've always been a great advice giver, and I finally decided to take my own advice for once. I was tired of complaining about the same things for the last four years. I missed me, I missed my smile, I missed my laughter, I missed my happiness and joy. I still have quite a road ahead of me, but I'm feeling more and more optimistic of the outcome. Equipped with my happiness gumbo, I'm working my way back to the top of the totem pole.

Get Lost

                        Today I had to run some errands one of which was to pay a traffic ticket. I am not familiar with the courthouse and decided to use our GPS system which I have never used before. I was driving along when I heard the automated voice all but shout at me "TURN LEFT!" and eager as I was to please the demonic voice-in-a-box I couldn't turn left. There was no road for me to turn on. I glanced at the paper that had the name of the street scribbled on it and saw that it was just up ahead. As I approached the turning lane I braced myself for another verbal lashing but heard nothing. According to the GPS I was turning onto nothing and the image in the screen showed a little arrow representing me gliding above what looked like a desert.
                     I was on the phone with my girlfriend at the time and she heard the verbal abuse I had to suffer. We started laughing at how crazy all this technology is. Even with Google Maps, Map Quest, and GPS, I still have to write down directions and I often get lost. Especially since many newer streets don't even show up on the online maps and they never indicate the right or left side of the street as your destination. All those stupid online maps say is the name of the last street you have to turn on and how far you have to go. And without a left or right clarification I almost always drive right by whatever I'm looking for, because according to Map Quest it should have been in the middle of the road.
                     After I reached my destination I chatted with my friend for a while and we came to the same conclusion. There is no way artificial intelligence will ever exist. Our technologies are as stupid as their creators. I still can't get a soda machine to take a dollar bill let alone get a GLOBAL POSITIONING SYSTEM to globally position me and my destination. A navigation tool that couldn't find a court house but managed to find my last nerve. There are people in Japan that are making responsive androids yet I'm an arrow flying across a desert. Really???
                    I love technology, I love MP3 players and hand held video game systems, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my computers. But I hate GPS, Google Maps, and Map Quest. I'm convinced that these devices were created by men to tick off women. Instead of asking for directions like women advise, they create a navigation tool that makes me feel like a fool. I did derive some pleasure in explaining it's operation to my husband though, I felt smart, that is until I actually had to use it myself.
                  Now I'm back home, typing on my laptop, listening to my MP3 player, with my camera phone and Bluetooth next to me. See? I'm a tech kind of woman. But if I need directions, I'm calling the place I need to find, asking for landmarks, asking which side of the street is the building on, and jotting it all down on a scrap of paper. That way I will know not to expect a building in the middle of the road and I won't have that demonic voice-in-a-box yelling at me. And if I ever find that witch that they use for the GPS voice and that horrible self check out lane at the grocery store (I'm convinced it's the same creep of a lady) I'm going to walk right up to her and smack her for yelling at me and trying to get me lost.

Relax

Here I sit with a glass in my hand trying to make sense of my Pisces mind
Beethoven plays in my head while I try to relax and unwind
It's been a long day and I have writer's block
Since I'm not really a writer that last one's a shock

The children sleep soundly their bellies full as they dream
I guess I did my job today if they are as peaceful as they seem
Hubby ate a plate and settled for his favorite pastime
He's engrossed in his craft of saving the world one video game at a time

The sink is full of dishes and I am in desperate need of a bath
Time is running away tonight at a speed that's too fast
Father time needs to have a drink and leave me the hell alone
So I can relax and enjoy the night at a pace that's all my own

Knowing me I'll skip the chores and soak in the tub
With my Cosmo, a cig, and a glass of that red wine I love
Tomorrow the work will be there waiting for me to attack with all my might
But for now I think I'll relax and enjoy tonight

                   

The Skinny

                    "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" Kate Moss said that a few years ago. That little quote has become the mantra of many self loathing (and oft hungry ladies) in the world. It's really sad to think that someone is so afraid of gaining a pound that they would never eat anything. To that I say, "Life is delicious, have a slice".
                    I am by nature a woman of size. I am full figured and quite voluptuous. Voluptuous by definition is luxurious, pleasing to the senses, sensual delight, in a nutshell a woman. I have always been larger than life, never having been on the smaller side I never knew what it was like and therefore don't really care. I'm not going to lie and say I've never wished I could pull off a cute bikini or a halter dress without looking pregnant. But I simply love flavor and hate exercise. But that's okay, because all in all I'm comfortable in my own skin. I love the beach and go at least every other year if not every year. It doesn't bother me to see the teensy weensy waifs in their little polka dot bikinis because that's who they are. I can appreciate all their hard work in the gym. Someone's gotta do it right?
                    What gets me is that I know so many amazing women that pick on themselves. I have a rather colorful group of friends, some larger and some smaller than me. And they almost always have something to pick at about their bodies or faces or hair or knees or some other physical attribute that seems just fine to me. Why do women do this to themselves? I can't completely blame the media, self loathing has been around long before Cosmo and Vogue. One of my closest friends has an amazing head of hair, her most beautiful feature is exactly what she's hated on for all the years I've known her. Only now in her 30's has she finally embraced her mane. Is it her age? Is it that she finally believes all the compliments she's given on nearly a daily basis? All I know is it's about time!
                   More and more women are becoming empowered in the work place, in relationships, even in the bedroom. But what about in the mirror? So few women really love the way they look, and most of them aren't close to my size. Here's a little conceited moment for me, I LOVE the way I look. I do want to lose weight and I'm sure I'll be logging my journey here, but I love the fact that I'm well proportioned and have a butt that would make the Kardashians blush. I also love my eyes and skin. For a while I wished I was darker like my mother and sister, but I realized that wishing for something I can't change was pointless, so I learned to embrace it. I have a khaki skin tone with dark hair that makes my eyes pop, what's not to love?
                  I always try to compliment my friends with honesty. I don't pacify any of my girls because they deserve to know the truth. No, you may not be able to pull off that polka dot bikini but a flair skirt and sandals would show off a great waist line. I'm not afraid to go around without makeup because Mom always told me, "Makeup is to enhance your features and beauty, too much and you'll cover it all up". And I'm very grateful to her for teaching me that. I wish women as a sex were as confident in their beauty as they are in other areas. Women need to stop picking at what's wrong and start focusing on what's right!
                   Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, except for cheesecake and cafe con leche late in the day, or a sand gritted sandwich and an ice cold beer on the beach, or a margarita with the girls. Food may not be what makes people happy, but it's a big part of our lives. It's okay to indulge or (gasp) eat something along with your salad. Starving yourself may give you the figure you want but will you really feel how you want?
                   I also have very small friends that wish they were more plump. I really feel for them because I can lose weight if I so choose, they cannot simply eat more and go up a cup size. They too are only now embracing how they look and realizing that being a size 0 does not mean they look like a twelve year old boy. They are feminine and soft just like their full figured counter parts. Acceptance and confidence does not depend on your dress size but on your ability to love yourself. My greatest insecurities are because of my undeveloped talents or lack of education, but I can change those things. I have never hated the way I looked because I know that I am beautiful to those that love me, not to mention a few appreciative passersby.
               Not every man is going to find every woman attractive. Some men like small women, some men like athletic women, some men like curvy but small waisted women. Men and women alike have many different preferences and tastes, it's okay if some men don't find me attractive, I already have one. I'll admit that when I get asked for my name I enjoy the ego boost, but that's all it is, nothing in my life changes. It isn't like a man whistles as me and all of a sudden I'm a genius or a world class baton twirler or something crazy like that. And women need to stop trying to be what every man wants. That's a game that has no winners.
               If Angelina Jolie were a customer service rep instead of an actress, admittedly she'd be one hot CSR, but she'd be considered a hot mess. And after making a reputation for herself she'd have a hard time finding dates. And while Brad Pitt is easy on the eyes, he's not this amazing Adonis of a man, he's just a man. Women really need to understand that women are beautiful by nature and if they just embrace their beauty it will make them all the more beautiful.
                    Embrace your hair, hands, ankles, waist, bust, butt, and whatever other weird hang ups you have. I have, and it's freeing to know that while Brad Pitt may not look in my direction, I am, and I love what I see, chubby cheeks (both sets) and all.
                 

Balance

                         Who says differences have do be reconcilable? My husband and I are as different as night and day. Anyone that knows us knows that we fight every other day. And every other day I want to leave him. Every other day he wants to leave me. So why don't we just call it quits? Well, on the days I want to leave him he convinces me to stay and on the days he wants to leave I cook dinner. We balance each other out in a way that makes sense to us (and apparently only us). My MIL asked me once, "Why don't you two get divorced already?" to which I replied, "The bastard won't leave. I can't shake him." And we had a hearty laugh at her son's expense. But truth is, no matter how sure I am of walking out the door, I have yet to pack a single article of clothing.
                     I admit I have fears of trying to start a new life on my own, especially with 3 kids, no formal education, and no job. But it's more than that. Hubby has things that I lack and vice-versa. We both have the same core values that are very important to us, God, family first, etc. But we are so opposite on other things such as, I'm an introvert but very social, he's an introvert and antisocial, I love to dance and he doesn't, I love quality flavorful food, he puts ketchup on his ketchup. Then there are bigger differences, the ones that keep me here, I talk too much but not about feelings and he never has much to say but he's clear on his feelings about me. I love to sleep and he's an early riser, so on the weekends he gets up with the kids so I can rest. I'm very messy and he hates messes, even though he can't wash a dish to save his life, he makes sure to clean up any clutter around the house. I'm a thinker he's a doer, I think about what must be done and he actually does what has to be done. We have little characteristics that balance us out.
                  When my friends first met him I was asked the same question by all of them "How the hell did this happen?" and I explained very simply, "I love the way he loves me". When hubby's friends first met me he was asked (more than once) "How'd you land her???" his answer, "I don't know." I know that I'm not always a peach, I can be quite difficult at times. Us being so opposite doesn't help during those difficult times because it's hard for us to understand the other one. But somehow we overcome whatever difference there was or we simply ignore it, whatever works best depending on the situation.
                  We have had some major arguments during the course of our marriage and I don't think we are suddenly going to stop fighting. But fighting is part of our way. It's ugly and gritty, but then again so is life itself. Fact is that two people are going to fight so long as it doesn't get too ugly, all's fair in love and war. And in a marriage, love is war. We have to set ground rules and reach a solution with as little egotistical casualty as possible. If I am losing a battle, I go for the throat, or I strip, either way, the battle is over and I usually win. Over the course of my marriage I realized something and I don't hide it and I am not embarrassed by it. Here it is: I'd rather fight with him than have it easier with someone else. He is the father of my children, it's taken me over 10 years to break him in. I don't have the time or energy to train a new one. Plus, he's kind of cute.
                   In the most recent years I noticed that I actually like him sometimes. Who knew?! We have a very different sense of humor, so when he says something witty it cracks me up because I never see it coming. Some nights I can't stand the sound of him breathing, but I cannot sleep unless he's snoring loudly next to me. I need his sleep apnea so I can rest peacefully. Now that's what I call balance in a marriage.

Bubbles

                     Today my son did something that made my heart sing, he said "bubbles" (it sounded like "buba"). At the age of 4 he should be saying much more than "bubbles" but with his significant delays it has taken 3 years of therapy to get him to say "bubbles, mom, dad, more, and eat". These few words are great accomplishments for my little guy and I tear up every time he says one of these words because he doesn't use these words everyday. But after the excitement wears off the same question pops into my head...will I ever hear my son speak; really speak? Even though I am assured constantly that he will indeed speak and be able to communicate, I can't help but to get a little anxious to hear him.
                     Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) is what my son was diagnosed with. For those who are not familiar with that disorder it's basically a severe developmental delay that is on the Autism Spectrum, but he has no symptoms of other disorders on the spectrum. Just a severe delay. Couple that with a sensory disorder that has him so sensitive to tastes and textures and visual stimuli and you've got my little boy. A sweet little guy that's very loving, doesn't talk, doesn't eat solid foods, and can become over stimulated. Oh, and did I mention he's not potty trained and is allergic to all nuts and dairy? He's not lactose sensitive or intolerant, he's allergic. If he even touches dairy he breaks out into hives and sometimes throws up. Add all that together and what you've got is a very hopeful, very overwhelmed, very tired mother.
                     I love my son with everything in me, but I admit that his disorders are getting to me. I want so much for him, I want to see him gobble up a plate of food, I want him to be able to enjoy trying new flavors and textures. I'm waiting anxiously for the day he'll actually have a birthday cake and eat some. My baby boy is 4 and has never had a birthday party because it breaks my heart that he wouldn't have known it was his birthday, let alone eat a piece of cake. And I'll admit that I was also concerned that he'd get overwhelmed with all the attention and have a meltdown. When we've had a get together at home he has gotten overwhelmed and over stimulated and the only remedy was to put him to bed. He'd prefer to go to bed early than to be amongst all the excitement. Not only was I protecting him from any unnecessary meltdowns, but I was protecting myself from having to watch it helplessly.
                    What I want most for my boy is to be able to communicate with him. I want to hear his little voice so bad that I've dreamed about it. More than once I woke up crying because in a dream I saw my son eating or heard him talking. The talking dreams are the ones that would haunt me for days. At first I thought the dreams were a sign that he'd speak soon, then as time dragged on and the dreams became more and more frequent, I realized they were actually wishful thinking. I know at some point he'll be talking up a storm and I'd wish for a moment of silence. But until that day comes I will get teary eyed at the sound of "bubbles".
                  

The Past

                 If the past is truly gone, why does it sometimes feel like I can reach back and grab it? Why does my past seem so much a part of my present? And why can't I let go? I've been thinking of my past lately, and since I'm only 30, I don't have much past. But it's there. Right behind me. And sometimes I really wish I could go back for a do over. My husband has asked me, "What do you need?" I always give the same reply, "A time machine." Not very mature of me, but I'm stuck in this "If I knew then what I know now" phase and it's driving me crazy.
                       As I stated in my first entry, I'm not happy. I can't seem to let go of the past in order to work on my present and future. I don't have many personal regrets, but there are events that I wished never took place. Some people say, "I have no regrets because my past is what made me who I am today". What a load of crap. What if you don't like who you are today? Would you still feel that way? I know I don't feel that way. I know in general I'm a nice person, I'm a good mother and a good wife. But what else? I'm hoping to be a cashier like it's the only thing I can ever accomplish in life. And don't start on that, "you've got the hardest job" nonsense. Parenting is not easy by any means, but for me it's also not enough. I feel like my brain is wasting away. Everyone's time is worth something and mine is worth what exactly?
                 I heard of this online calculator that sums up the estimated worth of a homemaker. A full time homemaker (if paid) would gross more than a doctor. Was this supposed to make me feel good? All that stupid calculator did was make me feel even more wasted than ever. I'm not simply complaining about not earning a pay check, but not being utilized in any way at all in society. And I'm sorry, volunteering at a retirement home or soup kitchen still wouldn't be enough because it's not what I wanted or want to do.
                  I am a very creative person. I draw, write, sing, and give great advice. Besides a lullaby and painting tiny toe nails, none of my talents are being used. And since they are not being used, they are not being developed either. When I was younger, I drew every single day, anything and everything. I drew cartoons, comic characters, still life, and abstract. Now, I'm impressed if I can draw a perfect circle. I used to be able to sum up large numbers in my head, and recite poetry on a whim, now I need a calculator to balance my check book and I can't remember my favorite poets names.
                    You see, my unhappiness doesn't lie in my total life, but within myself. Why did I let myself down? Where did I lose me? Only by examining the past can I figure that out and eventually move on. But upon examination I became fixated on the past. I remember so many things about me that I want back. I'm not trying to recapture my youth or any such nonsense. I just want that fulfillment I was aiming for.
                      I know that like everyone else in the world I am a work in progress. I must admit though, I am growing more and more impatient with myself. I need to stop looking to the past for answers to my future. They are not there. I also need to stop fixating on what is gone and to accept that some things cannot be changed. I for one can be changed and as I stated, I'm working on that. Sometimes a good complaining helps and that's just what I've done here. This blog has helped me to complain here and there about things and to put things into prospective for myself.
                      I know I am capable of pretty much anything. The good thing about examining the past is that there are many things that are not gone. For instance, my strength is something that I have regained. Another is my voice. That one took me a while, but with some help from my loved ones, I found it again, and it's beautiful. Not only when I sing (and I can sing) but when I speak my mind. I'm working on drawing again and if I mess up, so what! I can always start over. The past has taught me that no matter what past I have, it is not a indicator of what my future will be necessarily, but a great learning tool. Jeeze! I could be my own shrink!
                      I am still going to introduce myself to that manager on Saturday. All nasal whistles should be gone by then. I've already rehearsed a speech and I may or may not stick to it. I'll just say what ever feels right. The job I really want is not only so I can earn a paycheck, I want it to be a stepping stone for me. A small step can feel like a leap when you haven't moved at all for many years. And I'm ready to take that step because those baby steps will lead to great leaps. And judging by my past, once I get going, there's no stopping me.