Friday, September 12, 2014

Work in Progress

       Yet again another long pause in between posts. My sincerest apologies to my one reader. In my defense, if you haven't gotten used to my disappearing act by now...
       The last couple of months have brought new changes into my life. I am officially divorced. You wouldn't think paperwork would make an impact but it does. It solidified the direction in which my life is headed. It brought a closure and a sense of relief. I was worried that after months of no contact that I would have had an emotional rush at the sight of my ex-husband, especially in the company of my replacement. However, when he appeared, I felt nothing. In fact the mini anxiety attack I had at the thought of what might happen was the most difficult part of that day. When I looked at him I felt nothing, not even anger. It was like looking at my past incarnate. I realized that I am fully at peace with the choices I have made including the one to separate my life from his. The proceedings moved along at a glacial pace but compared to how long it took to actually get in front of a judge I suppose it was swift. There was nothing left to fight about. Nothing left. Who knew I'd be at peace with nothingness.
       After my divorce was finalized I took up residence in a new city that is 40 minutes away from the ocean and 4 hours away from my past. My Pisces soul has never felt more at home. I have met many challenges up to this point, and after many mini meltdowns I've met them all head on. Every time I've said to myself "I don't know what I'm going to do" somehow I've figured it out. Whether it's been from me pushing forward or someone helping me along the way, I have kept going. I cannot express enough gratitude for the people in my life that have been there for me despite my attempts to scare them off with my enigmatic peculiarity.
       The children are adjusting well to their new environment. The only complaint they have had was when they realized their schools require uniforms. My younger daughter cried out, "I am in individual! They are violating my individual rights!" I'm certain my smirk didn't help the situation. Even my little Autistic Avenger attempted mutiny by pulling off his polo shirt the moment it touched his skin and making a face as if to say "What the heck is this mess!?!!?" They are all now used to it and thriving beautifully. I couldn't be more proud of my not so little ones. With all they've been through they still manage to be their goofy little selves. Such resilience is rare in adults and here they are setting an example for me.
       Since the move I scored a great job as a cook. It's grueling and I'm limping by the end of my shift but I love it. Not having to stress and panic over finances for the first time in 3 years has been such a relief. I still struggle but no longer to the point where I'm panicking at the thought of not having enough food for my children. Now I can bag their lunches and get those yogurt covered pretzels my picky eater loves so much. And living 40 minutes from the beach means great stay-cations! We've been to the beach twice in the last 3 months and the only difficulty was a jellyfish sting which was also incidentally the funniest part of that day because Mini-Me said "Please don't pee on me".
       I am currently living with my brother and a roommate. They both have tried to push me out the door to socialize and enjoy being a single woman for the first time in years. That's the only personal difficulty I'm having at the moment. When one has been part of two how does that one become one again? The reality is that I have been a wife for so long that I forgot how not to be one. I had gotten so used to checking in and asking permission that it feels weird to not to have to do that. One night I ventured out to a friend's housewarming and I was checking in with my brother. He said, "I'm not your husband I'm your brother. Go be a grownup." At that moment I thought to myself, "Holy Shinobi! I don't have to answer to anyone!" Yet another epiphany. I'm having a lot of those lately. I'm realizing that being single does not equal being wild and meeting new people does not make me a loose woman nor does being an adult make me a bad mother. I am not on the hunt for ex-husband number two but it's quite alright to open myself up to the idea of meeting someone.
       I am still healing and growing and I am forever a work in progress. I admit that I am quite proud of myself these days. I feel strong. Over the last few years I have morphed from that scowl faced banshee that used to pitifully greet me in the mirror. Now I see a lively woman that I never thought I could be. I still get nervous and struggle with anxiety but I'm working on those flaws. I've also been allowing myself to feel like a woman. Not a wife, not a mother, but a woman. Being less than girly I have been embracing my femininity and it feels beautiful, even on my bad hair days.