Tuesday, February 22, 2011


                 Why am I procrastinating today? I haven't done a single thing on my list. I haven't done anything at all. I think the house just got smaller and the four walls are closing in on me. Cabin fever is a terrible thing and I've got it bad. I want to go somewhere, I want to do something,  but don't I want to clean my house, I don't want to be constructive, and I simply am not doing anything. Why? I still have an hour and a half before the children get home and I've yet to move my butt from this chair. I have successfully caught up on The Biggest Loser but I think I gained 5 pounds in the process. What process? I sit here and watch TV slack jawed. And here's the kicker, I don't even like to watch TV that much.
                Am I losing momentum? Have I resolved that this is as good as it gets? What motivation do I need? And why am I asking you? I wish I was one of those upbeat people that always got things done. But those people usually have a secret stash of cocaine or they steal their kids Ritalin. And I am not above many things, but substance abuse is not another problem I wish to have. I am too much of a snob to be a closet junkie, even if it means I'd have a clean house. Whenever someone shows up unexpectedly I always say the same thing, "Please excuse the mess, but I live here".
               I managed to turn off the TV and after this entry I will get the most important tasks done and not sweat the small stuff. But I really must address this sloth like behavior. I don't like it, it isn't like I feel rested after doing nothing, if anything I feel wasted. I talk about how smart and strong I am yet the chores are kicking my butt. I am tired of dishes and diapers, I am tired of phone calls and bills, I am tired of therapy appointments (none of which are mine) and most of all I am tired of being tired. Oh yeah, I'm also tired of complaining.
              Over the girls weekend we watched Sex and the City, and as much as I love those movies and the series, all it does is make me feel like I'm missing out on something. Why can't my life be like that? I used to live there, well, not in Manhattan, I lived in the Bronx. It was gritty and I wasn't allowed to leave my block without a group of friends or my brother, but it was fun and exciting. Well, at 15 anything and everything was fun and exciting. Now I'm in cow country and it smells for days, sometimes I can't open a window. The people make me feel like an alien from the right side of the tracks, and you have to drive everywhere. I have actually talked to hubby about moving to NY someday. It's a dream but at least it's a realistic dream. At least there I'd feel more at home.
             I've rambled on long enough, time to throw on some salsa and get to work. Even though my brain is whining "I don't wanna" I'm going to push myself to get the important things done. I'm sure after a while I'll build momentum and really get going. With my history momentum will show up after the kids are in bed and then I won't be able to sleep. Then instead of finishing the laundry, I'll park my rear on this chair and catch up on Desperate Housewives.

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