If the past is truly gone, why does it sometimes feel like I can reach back and grab it? Why does my past seem so much a part of my present? And why can't I let go? I've been thinking of my past lately, and since I'm only 30, I don't have much past. But it's there. Right behind me. And sometimes I really wish I could go back for a do over. My husband has asked me, "What do you need?" I always give the same reply, "A time machine." Not very mature of me, but I'm stuck in this "If I knew then what I know now" phase and it's driving me crazy.
As I stated in my first entry, I'm not happy. I can't seem to let go of the past in order to work on my present and future. I don't have many personal regrets, but there are events that I wished never took place. Some people say, "I have no regrets because my past is what made me who I am today". What a load of crap. What if you don't like who you are today? Would you still feel that way? I know I don't feel that way. I know in general I'm a nice person, I'm a good mother and a good wife. But what else? I'm hoping to be a cashier like it's the only thing I can ever accomplish in life. And don't start on that, "you've got the hardest job" nonsense. Parenting is not easy by any means, but for me it's also not enough. I feel like my brain is wasting away. Everyone's time is worth something and mine is worth what exactly?
I heard of this online calculator that sums up the estimated worth of a homemaker. A full time homemaker (if paid) would gross more than a doctor. Was this supposed to make me feel good? All that stupid calculator did was make me feel even more wasted than ever. I'm not simply complaining about not earning a pay check, but not being utilized in any way at all in society. And I'm sorry, volunteering at a retirement home or soup kitchen still wouldn't be enough because it's not what I wanted or want to do.
I am a very creative person. I draw, write, sing, and give great advice. Besides a lullaby and painting tiny toe nails, none of my talents are being used. And since they are not being used, they are not being developed either. When I was younger, I drew every single day, anything and everything. I drew cartoons, comic characters, still life, and abstract. Now, I'm impressed if I can draw a perfect circle. I used to be able to sum up large numbers in my head, and recite poetry on a whim, now I need a calculator to balance my check book and I can't remember my favorite poets names.
You see, my unhappiness doesn't lie in my total life, but within myself. Why did I let myself down? Where did I lose me? Only by examining the past can I figure that out and eventually move on. But upon examination I became fixated on the past. I remember so many things about me that I want back. I'm not trying to recapture my youth or any such nonsense. I just want that fulfillment I was aiming for.
I know that like everyone else in the world I am a work in progress. I must admit though, I am growing more and more impatient with myself. I need to stop looking to the past for answers to my future. They are not there. I also need to stop fixating on what is gone and to accept that some things cannot be changed. I for one can be changed and as I stated, I'm working on that. Sometimes a good complaining helps and that's just what I've done here. This blog has helped me to complain here and there about things and to put things into prospective for myself.
I know I am capable of pretty much anything. The good thing about examining the past is that there are many things that are not gone. For instance, my strength is something that I have regained. Another is my voice. That one took me a while, but with some help from my loved ones, I found it again, and it's beautiful. Not only when I sing (and I can sing) but when I speak my mind. I'm working on drawing again and if I mess up, so what! I can always start over. The past has taught me that no matter what past I have, it is not a indicator of what my future will be necessarily, but a great learning tool. Jeeze! I could be my own shrink!
I am still going to introduce myself to that manager on Saturday. All nasal whistles should be gone by then. I've already rehearsed a speech and I may or may not stick to it. I'll just say what ever feels right. The job I really want is not only so I can earn a paycheck, I want it to be a stepping stone for me. A small step can feel like a leap when you haven't moved at all for many years. And I'm ready to take that step because those baby steps will lead to great leaps. And judging by my past, once I get going, there's no stopping me.