One day I was doodling because I was bored. After running out of ways to make a stick figure look naughty, I started practicing my penmanship. This is something I do when I'm REALLY bored. And I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I practice my penmanship at least once a week. Anyway, when I ran through my ABC's and 123's I started writing my name. Without thinking I wrote down my maiden name, a name that I haven't used or seen in years. Was this a Freudian slip of the hand? And why did it bother me to see it?
I think one of the reasons I was a little disturbed at this subconscious action is that seeing my maiden name reminded me of who I was in maiden form. I was full of life and smiles, I was determined and a go getter, I was then almost everything that I am not now. What had changed? I know that I didn't morph into some pathetic creature the moment I changed my name. Besides, my name changed only 6 years ago. I know you're thinking, "wait a minute, you said you were married for 11 years". You're right! I have been married for 11 years, but I didn't change my name until I was sure I was in it for the long haul. What can I say, I like to be certain of my decisions, even if it takes me a few years and a few kids to make a firm choice.
Now, back to this name business. I stared at what I wrote for a good twenty minutes and just thought and thought of the young lady that held that name. Where the hell did she go anyway? I've been looking for her for at least the last two years. And who left whom? Did the lively girl just run off the moment I said "I do" or did the wife and mother forsake her inner girl? All I do know is it's time we get reacquainted.
How does one "find" herself? I suppose I could leave clues around the house, get drunk and play a lonely creepy game of hide and seek. Or, I could change my name back. Or, I could simply quit whining and start getting back on track with my plans and personal goals in life. I dunno, I kind of like all 3 ideas, especially the drunken game of hide and seek. I might end up in the nut house for that one when I explain that I got drunk trying to find myself, but hey, at least in a nut house I would have my own room, and that's something I haven't had since I was a single maiden.