I did it! I applied to a PT job. It's a cashier job at a cosmetics retailer, it may not be a major career path but it would give me a great discount. If I get the job I'll have to try real hard not to spend an entire paycheck before it's earned. I REALLY want this job. The hours would be few and the pay would be modest, but the chance to interact with other adults would be great. And did I mention I'd get a discount? I'd work for the mascara alone.
I was going to go in today and introduce myself to the manager so she could put a face with the name on the online application. But then I chickened out. I realized I was afraid to talk to someone about a job that I'm over qualified for. What the??? Too many times over the last few years I have gone to apply for work, only to be told very abruptly to "Go online!" So online I'd go, and then nothing. So, I asked a few people exactly how they scored the ever elusive bagging job at the grocery store, they'd all said the same thing, "Go online! Then come in and introduce yourself." So that's exactly what I decided to do this time, only this time, I was discouraged before even trying. Why you ask? Well it's simple really, I am quite terrified that if I try to be a good candidate for the job and get my hopes up only to not get the job it would crush me. It would crush me because it would say to me, "You aren't even worth minimum wage". And the idea of losing it over something I wouldn't want to do for the rest of my life seems like a waste of effort. I want to save that emotional roller coaster and blow to my self esteem for when I'm rejected by a sorority at the community college I'll no doubt go to in my 40's.
My girlfriend and I spoke about my fears today when she confronted me about chickening out. She knows me too well. She helped me to realize that not only am I an excellent candidate, but that rejection wouldn't kill me. My friend and I talked about the 8 year gap on my resume and she reminded me that I may have not been employed in all these years, but I have been quite busy. She pointed out that I can use my experiences in life as examples in an interview and as tools for the job. After talking with her I looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time in a long time, I made a face. I put my chin up, my shoulders back (checked out my boobs) and tried my best to look positive and assertive. I admit that I looked more like a cougar on the prowl, but hey, those ladies have some cojones. I told myself, "You can do this." And for the first time in a long time I believed it.
The good news is that without fail, I'm going tomorrow to present my resume and really sell myself. I'm going to do my hair, put on some makeup, spritz some SJP Lovely on my wrists, and put on my happy face. With any luck the manager won't be there and I can go shopping. I'm just kidding, although I am running low on mascara.