Taking care of yourself is something that should always be a priority. But when you have a husband, children, a household to run, a job to do, groceries to buy, chores to do (or in my case not do) before you know it, you're on the bottom of the totem pole. I realized this was happening to me not too long ago, and it had been happening for many years. How in the world did I allow this to happen? Why did I forget that I'm important too? I should be first in my life coming second only to God.
Too many people think that putting yourself first means not caring about other people, or they confuse instant gratification with happiness. That's not it at all. To put yourself first in the right way should be your goal. Health mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, those are the key ingredients of the happy gumbo. At 30 I am just now learning this and trying to put myself first, but in the right ways. It has taken me four years just to put my health first. As I've stated in a previous entry, I love the way I look, appearance is not what I'm talking about in physical health. What I mean is to be active, however you like. For me, I love to swim, I love the feeling of water all around me as I cut through it like a knife. Albeit a slow moving dull knife, but still a knife. I also love to walk. I could walk for hours, just thinking or bopping my head to some 90's hip hop. Doing something physical that makes me really happy.
"If Mom's not happy, no one's happy" is often tossed around and is as true as can be. (Granted the same is true for men/dads/husbands, but I'm a woman, so this is my point of view.) If I am no good to myself, then I will never be any good to anyone else. I wouldn't be a good or caring wife and mother, or daughter, sister, friend, cousin, neighbor etc. I would still be the scowl faced sad eyed woman that I was not too long ago. My neighbor told me about a dream she had about me before I started really putting myself first (again, in the right ways). She told me how the dream disturbed her, and I'm glad she did. Hearing about her dream and concern for me made me realize that my unhappiness had drifted all the way across the street and into her REM state causing nightmares. I had realized that I was last for far too long. I felt like I didn't exist anymore and was running on fumes. So, I decided to change immediately.
The first step was to get help. So, I found someone to talk to, and that's not easy for many people to admit, but I have no problem saying "Life's been a little rough, I need help". I made sure I had support from my loved ones and gave myself enough breaks to decompress. My second step was to put my health first, because without your health you can't function. The changes have been dramatic. No, I didn't become a size 6 since my last few entries. But I no longer feel like a slave to my own life. I no longer feel like I'm just going through the motions instead of actually living my life. It's like I was on autopilot for the last few years, and in a few months I took back the steering wheel of my life. I may not be able to do everything I want, but I'm making sure I do what I need to. Step three I'm still working on as well as steps one and two, because you see, I need maintenance. We all do. Why is it we'll maintain a car, a home, a bank account, but not ourselves? My car had to be more important than me right?
I know I make mistakes, but a big part of growing is to learn from them. I have always tried to learn from my mistakes, but I wasn't learning from the greatest mistake I was making. I was ignoring me. And in ignoring me I was ignoring life itself. I've always been a great advice giver, and I finally decided to take my own advice for once. I was tired of complaining about the same things for the last four years. I missed me, I missed my smile, I missed my laughter, I missed my happiness and joy. I still have quite a road ahead of me, but I'm feeling more and more optimistic of the outcome. Equipped with my happiness gumbo, I'm working my way back to the top of the totem pole.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Get Lost
Today I had to run some errands one of which was to pay a traffic ticket. I am not familiar with the courthouse and decided to use our GPS system which I have never used before. I was driving along when I heard the automated voice all but shout at me "TURN LEFT!" and eager as I was to please the demonic voice-in-a-box I couldn't turn left. There was no road for me to turn on. I glanced at the paper that had the name of the street scribbled on it and saw that it was just up ahead. As I approached the turning lane I braced myself for another verbal lashing but heard nothing. According to the GPS I was turning onto nothing and the image in the screen showed a little arrow representing me gliding above what looked like a desert.
I was on the phone with my girlfriend at the time and she heard the verbal abuse I had to suffer. We started laughing at how crazy all this technology is. Even with Google Maps, Map Quest, and GPS, I still have to write down directions and I often get lost. Especially since many newer streets don't even show up on the online maps and they never indicate the right or left side of the street as your destination. All those stupid online maps say is the name of the last street you have to turn on and how far you have to go. And without a left or right clarification I almost always drive right by whatever I'm looking for, because according to Map Quest it should have been in the middle of the road.
After I reached my destination I chatted with my friend for a while and we came to the same conclusion. There is no way artificial intelligence will ever exist. Our technologies are as stupid as their creators. I still can't get a soda machine to take a dollar bill let alone get a GLOBAL POSITIONING SYSTEM to globally position me and my destination. A navigation tool that couldn't find a court house but managed to find my last nerve. There are people in Japan that are making responsive androids yet I'm an arrow flying across a desert. Really???
I love technology, I love MP3 players and hand held video game systems, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my computers. But I hate GPS, Google Maps, and Map Quest. I'm convinced that these devices were created by men to tick off women. Instead of asking for directions like women advise, they create a navigation tool that makes me feel like a fool. I did derive some pleasure in explaining it's operation to my husband though, I felt smart, that is until I actually had to use it myself.
Now I'm back home, typing on my laptop, listening to my MP3 player, with my camera phone and Bluetooth next to me. See? I'm a tech kind of woman. But if I need directions, I'm calling the place I need to find, asking for landmarks, asking which side of the street is the building on, and jotting it all down on a scrap of paper. That way I will know not to expect a building in the middle of the road and I won't have that demonic voice-in-a-box yelling at me. And if I ever find that witch that they use for the GPS voice and that horrible self check out lane at the grocery store (I'm convinced it's the same creep of a lady) I'm going to walk right up to her and smack her for yelling at me and trying to get me lost.
I was on the phone with my girlfriend at the time and she heard the verbal abuse I had to suffer. We started laughing at how crazy all this technology is. Even with Google Maps, Map Quest, and GPS, I still have to write down directions and I often get lost. Especially since many newer streets don't even show up on the online maps and they never indicate the right or left side of the street as your destination. All those stupid online maps say is the name of the last street you have to turn on and how far you have to go. And without a left or right clarification I almost always drive right by whatever I'm looking for, because according to Map Quest it should have been in the middle of the road.
After I reached my destination I chatted with my friend for a while and we came to the same conclusion. There is no way artificial intelligence will ever exist. Our technologies are as stupid as their creators. I still can't get a soda machine to take a dollar bill let alone get a GLOBAL POSITIONING SYSTEM to globally position me and my destination. A navigation tool that couldn't find a court house but managed to find my last nerve. There are people in Japan that are making responsive androids yet I'm an arrow flying across a desert. Really???
I love technology, I love MP3 players and hand held video game systems, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my computers. But I hate GPS, Google Maps, and Map Quest. I'm convinced that these devices were created by men to tick off women. Instead of asking for directions like women advise, they create a navigation tool that makes me feel like a fool. I did derive some pleasure in explaining it's operation to my husband though, I felt smart, that is until I actually had to use it myself.
Now I'm back home, typing on my laptop, listening to my MP3 player, with my camera phone and Bluetooth next to me. See? I'm a tech kind of woman. But if I need directions, I'm calling the place I need to find, asking for landmarks, asking which side of the street is the building on, and jotting it all down on a scrap of paper. That way I will know not to expect a building in the middle of the road and I won't have that demonic voice-in-a-box yelling at me. And if I ever find that witch that they use for the GPS voice and that horrible self check out lane at the grocery store (I'm convinced it's the same creep of a lady) I'm going to walk right up to her and smack her for yelling at me and trying to get me lost.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Relax
Here I sit with a glass in my hand trying to make sense of my Pisces mind
Beethoven plays in my head while I try to relax and unwind
It's been a long day and I have writer's block
Since I'm not really a writer that last one's a shock
The children sleep soundly their bellies full as they dream
I guess I did my job today if they are as peaceful as they seem
Hubby ate a plate and settled for his favorite pastime
He's engrossed in his craft of saving the world one video game at a time
The sink is full of dishes and I am in desperate need of a bath
Time is running away tonight at a speed that's too fast
Father time needs to have a drink and leave me the hell alone
So I can relax and enjoy the night at a pace that's all my own
Knowing me I'll skip the chores and soak in the tub
With my Cosmo, a cig, and a glass of that red wine I love
Tomorrow the work will be there waiting for me to attack with all my might
But for now I think I'll relax and enjoy tonight
Beethoven plays in my head while I try to relax and unwind
It's been a long day and I have writer's block
Since I'm not really a writer that last one's a shock
The children sleep soundly their bellies full as they dream
I guess I did my job today if they are as peaceful as they seem
Hubby ate a plate and settled for his favorite pastime
He's engrossed in his craft of saving the world one video game at a time
The sink is full of dishes and I am in desperate need of a bath
Time is running away tonight at a speed that's too fast
Father time needs to have a drink and leave me the hell alone
So I can relax and enjoy the night at a pace that's all my own
Knowing me I'll skip the chores and soak in the tub
With my Cosmo, a cig, and a glass of that red wine I love
Tomorrow the work will be there waiting for me to attack with all my might
But for now I think I'll relax and enjoy tonight
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Skinny
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" Kate Moss said that a few years ago. That little quote has become the mantra of many self loathing (and oft hungry ladies) in the world. It's really sad to think that someone is so afraid of gaining a pound that they would never eat anything. To that I say, "Life is delicious, have a slice".
I am by nature a woman of size. I am full figured and quite voluptuous. Voluptuous by definition is luxurious, pleasing to the senses, sensual delight, in a nutshell a woman. I have always been larger than life, never having been on the smaller side I never knew what it was like and therefore don't really care. I'm not going to lie and say I've never wished I could pull off a cute bikini or a halter dress without looking pregnant. But I simply love flavor and hate exercise. But that's okay, because all in all I'm comfortable in my own skin. I love the beach and go at least every other year if not every year. It doesn't bother me to see the teensy weensy waifs in their little polka dot bikinis because that's who they are. I can appreciate all their hard work in the gym. Someone's gotta do it right?
What gets me is that I know so many amazing women that pick on themselves. I have a rather colorful group of friends, some larger and some smaller than me. And they almost always have something to pick at about their bodies or faces or hair or knees or some other physical attribute that seems just fine to me. Why do women do this to themselves? I can't completely blame the media, self loathing has been around long before Cosmo and Vogue. One of my closest friends has an amazing head of hair, her most beautiful feature is exactly what she's hated on for all the years I've known her. Only now in her 30's has she finally embraced her mane. Is it her age? Is it that she finally believes all the compliments she's given on nearly a daily basis? All I know is it's about time!
More and more women are becoming empowered in the work place, in relationships, even in the bedroom. But what about in the mirror? So few women really love the way they look, and most of them aren't close to my size. Here's a little conceited moment for me, I LOVE the way I look. I do want to lose weight and I'm sure I'll be logging my journey here, but I love the fact that I'm well proportioned and have a butt that would make the Kardashians blush. I also love my eyes and skin. For a while I wished I was darker like my mother and sister, but I realized that wishing for something I can't change was pointless, so I learned to embrace it. I have a khaki skin tone with dark hair that makes my eyes pop, what's not to love?
I always try to compliment my friends with honesty. I don't pacify any of my girls because they deserve to know the truth. No, you may not be able to pull off that polka dot bikini but a flair skirt and sandals would show off a great waist line. I'm not afraid to go around without makeup because Mom always told me, "Makeup is to enhance your features and beauty, too much and you'll cover it all up". And I'm very grateful to her for teaching me that. I wish women as a sex were as confident in their beauty as they are in other areas. Women need to stop picking at what's wrong and start focusing on what's right!
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, except for cheesecake and cafe con leche late in the day, or a sand gritted sandwich and an ice cold beer on the beach, or a margarita with the girls. Food may not be what makes people happy, but it's a big part of our lives. It's okay to indulge or (gasp) eat something along with your salad. Starving yourself may give you the figure you want but will you really feel how you want?
I also have very small friends that wish they were more plump. I really feel for them because I can lose weight if I so choose, they cannot simply eat more and go up a cup size. They too are only now embracing how they look and realizing that being a size 0 does not mean they look like a twelve year old boy. They are feminine and soft just like their full figured counter parts. Acceptance and confidence does not depend on your dress size but on your ability to love yourself. My greatest insecurities are because of my undeveloped talents or lack of education, but I can change those things. I have never hated the way I looked because I know that I am beautiful to those that love me, not to mention a few appreciative passersby.
Not every man is going to find every woman attractive. Some men like small women, some men like athletic women, some men like curvy but small waisted women. Men and women alike have many different preferences and tastes, it's okay if some men don't find me attractive, I already have one. I'll admit that when I get asked for my name I enjoy the ego boost, but that's all it is, nothing in my life changes. It isn't like a man whistles as me and all of a sudden I'm a genius or a world class baton twirler or something crazy like that. And women need to stop trying to be what every man wants. That's a game that has no winners.
If Angelina Jolie were a customer service rep instead of an actress, admittedly she'd be one hot CSR, but she'd be considered a hot mess. And after making a reputation for herself she'd have a hard time finding dates. And while Brad Pitt is easy on the eyes, he's not this amazing Adonis of a man, he's just a man. Women really need to understand that women are beautiful by nature and if they just embrace their beauty it will make them all the more beautiful.
Embrace your hair, hands, ankles, waist, bust, butt, and whatever other weird hang ups you have. I have, and it's freeing to know that while Brad Pitt may not look in my direction, I am, and I love what I see, chubby cheeks (both sets) and all.
I am by nature a woman of size. I am full figured and quite voluptuous. Voluptuous by definition is luxurious, pleasing to the senses, sensual delight, in a nutshell a woman. I have always been larger than life, never having been on the smaller side I never knew what it was like and therefore don't really care. I'm not going to lie and say I've never wished I could pull off a cute bikini or a halter dress without looking pregnant. But I simply love flavor and hate exercise. But that's okay, because all in all I'm comfortable in my own skin. I love the beach and go at least every other year if not every year. It doesn't bother me to see the teensy weensy waifs in their little polka dot bikinis because that's who they are. I can appreciate all their hard work in the gym. Someone's gotta do it right?
What gets me is that I know so many amazing women that pick on themselves. I have a rather colorful group of friends, some larger and some smaller than me. And they almost always have something to pick at about their bodies or faces or hair or knees or some other physical attribute that seems just fine to me. Why do women do this to themselves? I can't completely blame the media, self loathing has been around long before Cosmo and Vogue. One of my closest friends has an amazing head of hair, her most beautiful feature is exactly what she's hated on for all the years I've known her. Only now in her 30's has she finally embraced her mane. Is it her age? Is it that she finally believes all the compliments she's given on nearly a daily basis? All I know is it's about time!
More and more women are becoming empowered in the work place, in relationships, even in the bedroom. But what about in the mirror? So few women really love the way they look, and most of them aren't close to my size. Here's a little conceited moment for me, I LOVE the way I look. I do want to lose weight and I'm sure I'll be logging my journey here, but I love the fact that I'm well proportioned and have a butt that would make the Kardashians blush. I also love my eyes and skin. For a while I wished I was darker like my mother and sister, but I realized that wishing for something I can't change was pointless, so I learned to embrace it. I have a khaki skin tone with dark hair that makes my eyes pop, what's not to love?
I always try to compliment my friends with honesty. I don't pacify any of my girls because they deserve to know the truth. No, you may not be able to pull off that polka dot bikini but a flair skirt and sandals would show off a great waist line. I'm not afraid to go around without makeup because Mom always told me, "Makeup is to enhance your features and beauty, too much and you'll cover it all up". And I'm very grateful to her for teaching me that. I wish women as a sex were as confident in their beauty as they are in other areas. Women need to stop picking at what's wrong and start focusing on what's right!
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, except for cheesecake and cafe con leche late in the day, or a sand gritted sandwich and an ice cold beer on the beach, or a margarita with the girls. Food may not be what makes people happy, but it's a big part of our lives. It's okay to indulge or (gasp) eat something along with your salad. Starving yourself may give you the figure you want but will you really feel how you want?
I also have very small friends that wish they were more plump. I really feel for them because I can lose weight if I so choose, they cannot simply eat more and go up a cup size. They too are only now embracing how they look and realizing that being a size 0 does not mean they look like a twelve year old boy. They are feminine and soft just like their full figured counter parts. Acceptance and confidence does not depend on your dress size but on your ability to love yourself. My greatest insecurities are because of my undeveloped talents or lack of education, but I can change those things. I have never hated the way I looked because I know that I am beautiful to those that love me, not to mention a few appreciative passersby.
Not every man is going to find every woman attractive. Some men like small women, some men like athletic women, some men like curvy but small waisted women. Men and women alike have many different preferences and tastes, it's okay if some men don't find me attractive, I already have one. I'll admit that when I get asked for my name I enjoy the ego boost, but that's all it is, nothing in my life changes. It isn't like a man whistles as me and all of a sudden I'm a genius or a world class baton twirler or something crazy like that. And women need to stop trying to be what every man wants. That's a game that has no winners.
If Angelina Jolie were a customer service rep instead of an actress, admittedly she'd be one hot CSR, but she'd be considered a hot mess. And after making a reputation for herself she'd have a hard time finding dates. And while Brad Pitt is easy on the eyes, he's not this amazing Adonis of a man, he's just a man. Women really need to understand that women are beautiful by nature and if they just embrace their beauty it will make them all the more beautiful.
Embrace your hair, hands, ankles, waist, bust, butt, and whatever other weird hang ups you have. I have, and it's freeing to know that while Brad Pitt may not look in my direction, I am, and I love what I see, chubby cheeks (both sets) and all.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Balance
Who says differences have do be reconcilable? My husband and I are as different as night and day. Anyone that knows us knows that we fight every other day. And every other day I want to leave him. Every other day he wants to leave me. So why don't we just call it quits? Well, on the days I want to leave him he convinces me to stay and on the days he wants to leave I cook dinner. We balance each other out in a way that makes sense to us (and apparently only us). My MIL asked me once, "Why don't you two get divorced already?" to which I replied, "The bastard won't leave. I can't shake him." And we had a hearty laugh at her son's expense. But truth is, no matter how sure I am of walking out the door, I have yet to pack a single article of clothing.
I admit I have fears of trying to start a new life on my own, especially with 3 kids, no formal education, and no job. But it's more than that. Hubby has things that I lack and vice-versa. We both have the same core values that are very important to us, God, family first, etc. But we are so opposite on other things such as, I'm an introvert but very social, he's an introvert and antisocial, I love to dance and he doesn't, I love quality flavorful food, he puts ketchup on his ketchup. Then there are bigger differences, the ones that keep me here, I talk too much but not about feelings and he never has much to say but he's clear on his feelings about me. I love to sleep and he's an early riser, so on the weekends he gets up with the kids so I can rest. I'm very messy and he hates messes, even though he can't wash a dish to save his life, he makes sure to clean up any clutter around the house. I'm a thinker he's a doer, I think about what must be done and he actually does what has to be done. We have little characteristics that balance us out.
When my friends first met him I was asked the same question by all of them "How the hell did this happen?" and I explained very simply, "I love the way he loves me". When hubby's friends first met me he was asked (more than once) "How'd you land her???" his answer, "I don't know." I know that I'm not always a peach, I can be quite difficult at times. Us being so opposite doesn't help during those difficult times because it's hard for us to understand the other one. But somehow we overcome whatever difference there was or we simply ignore it, whatever works best depending on the situation.
We have had some major arguments during the course of our marriage and I don't think we are suddenly going to stop fighting. But fighting is part of our way. It's ugly and gritty, but then again so is life itself. Fact is that two people are going to fight so long as it doesn't get too ugly, all's fair in love and war. And in a marriage, love is war. We have to set ground rules and reach a solution with as little egotistical casualty as possible. If I am losing a battle, I go for the throat, or I strip, either way, the battle is over and I usually win. Over the course of my marriage I realized something and I don't hide it and I am not embarrassed by it. Here it is: I'd rather fight with him than have it easier with someone else. He is the father of my children, it's taken me over 10 years to break him in. I don't have the time or energy to train a new one. Plus, he's kind of cute.
In the most recent years I noticed that I actually like him sometimes. Who knew?! We have a very different sense of humor, so when he says something witty it cracks me up because I never see it coming. Some nights I can't stand the sound of him breathing, but I cannot sleep unless he's snoring loudly next to me. I need his sleep apnea so I can rest peacefully. Now that's what I call balance in a marriage.
I admit I have fears of trying to start a new life on my own, especially with 3 kids, no formal education, and no job. But it's more than that. Hubby has things that I lack and vice-versa. We both have the same core values that are very important to us, God, family first, etc. But we are so opposite on other things such as, I'm an introvert but very social, he's an introvert and antisocial, I love to dance and he doesn't, I love quality flavorful food, he puts ketchup on his ketchup. Then there are bigger differences, the ones that keep me here, I talk too much but not about feelings and he never has much to say but he's clear on his feelings about me. I love to sleep and he's an early riser, so on the weekends he gets up with the kids so I can rest. I'm very messy and he hates messes, even though he can't wash a dish to save his life, he makes sure to clean up any clutter around the house. I'm a thinker he's a doer, I think about what must be done and he actually does what has to be done. We have little characteristics that balance us out.
When my friends first met him I was asked the same question by all of them "How the hell did this happen?" and I explained very simply, "I love the way he loves me". When hubby's friends first met me he was asked (more than once) "How'd you land her???" his answer, "I don't know." I know that I'm not always a peach, I can be quite difficult at times. Us being so opposite doesn't help during those difficult times because it's hard for us to understand the other one. But somehow we overcome whatever difference there was or we simply ignore it, whatever works best depending on the situation.
We have had some major arguments during the course of our marriage and I don't think we are suddenly going to stop fighting. But fighting is part of our way. It's ugly and gritty, but then again so is life itself. Fact is that two people are going to fight so long as it doesn't get too ugly, all's fair in love and war. And in a marriage, love is war. We have to set ground rules and reach a solution with as little egotistical casualty as possible. If I am losing a battle, I go for the throat, or I strip, either way, the battle is over and I usually win. Over the course of my marriage I realized something and I don't hide it and I am not embarrassed by it. Here it is: I'd rather fight with him than have it easier with someone else. He is the father of my children, it's taken me over 10 years to break him in. I don't have the time or energy to train a new one. Plus, he's kind of cute.
In the most recent years I noticed that I actually like him sometimes. Who knew?! We have a very different sense of humor, so when he says something witty it cracks me up because I never see it coming. Some nights I can't stand the sound of him breathing, but I cannot sleep unless he's snoring loudly next to me. I need his sleep apnea so I can rest peacefully. Now that's what I call balance in a marriage.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Bubbles
Today my son did something that made my heart sing, he said "bubbles" (it sounded like "buba"). At the age of 4 he should be saying much more than "bubbles" but with his significant delays it has taken 3 years of therapy to get him to say "bubbles, mom, dad, more, and eat". These few words are great accomplishments for my little guy and I tear up every time he says one of these words because he doesn't use these words everyday. But after the excitement wears off the same question pops into my head...will I ever hear my son speak; really speak? Even though I am assured constantly that he will indeed speak and be able to communicate, I can't help but to get a little anxious to hear him.
Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) is what my son was diagnosed with. For those who are not familiar with that disorder it's basically a severe developmental delay that is on the Autism Spectrum, but he has no symptoms of other disorders on the spectrum. Just a severe delay. Couple that with a sensory disorder that has him so sensitive to tastes and textures and visual stimuli and you've got my little boy. A sweet little guy that's very loving, doesn't talk, doesn't eat solid foods, and can become over stimulated. Oh, and did I mention he's not potty trained and is allergic to all nuts and dairy? He's not lactose sensitive or intolerant, he's allergic. If he even touches dairy he breaks out into hives and sometimes throws up. Add all that together and what you've got is a very hopeful, very overwhelmed, very tired mother.
I love my son with everything in me, but I admit that his disorders are getting to me. I want so much for him, I want to see him gobble up a plate of food, I want him to be able to enjoy trying new flavors and textures. I'm waiting anxiously for the day he'll actually have a birthday cake and eat some. My baby boy is 4 and has never had a birthday party because it breaks my heart that he wouldn't have known it was his birthday, let alone eat a piece of cake. And I'll admit that I was also concerned that he'd get overwhelmed with all the attention and have a meltdown. When we've had a get together at home he has gotten overwhelmed and over stimulated and the only remedy was to put him to bed. He'd prefer to go to bed early than to be amongst all the excitement. Not only was I protecting him from any unnecessary meltdowns, but I was protecting myself from having to watch it helplessly.
What I want most for my boy is to be able to communicate with him. I want to hear his little voice so bad that I've dreamed about it. More than once I woke up crying because in a dream I saw my son eating or heard him talking. The talking dreams are the ones that would haunt me for days. At first I thought the dreams were a sign that he'd speak soon, then as time dragged on and the dreams became more and more frequent, I realized they were actually wishful thinking. I know at some point he'll be talking up a storm and I'd wish for a moment of silence. But until that day comes I will get teary eyed at the sound of "bubbles".
Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) is what my son was diagnosed with. For those who are not familiar with that disorder it's basically a severe developmental delay that is on the Autism Spectrum, but he has no symptoms of other disorders on the spectrum. Just a severe delay. Couple that with a sensory disorder that has him so sensitive to tastes and textures and visual stimuli and you've got my little boy. A sweet little guy that's very loving, doesn't talk, doesn't eat solid foods, and can become over stimulated. Oh, and did I mention he's not potty trained and is allergic to all nuts and dairy? He's not lactose sensitive or intolerant, he's allergic. If he even touches dairy he breaks out into hives and sometimes throws up. Add all that together and what you've got is a very hopeful, very overwhelmed, very tired mother.
I love my son with everything in me, but I admit that his disorders are getting to me. I want so much for him, I want to see him gobble up a plate of food, I want him to be able to enjoy trying new flavors and textures. I'm waiting anxiously for the day he'll actually have a birthday cake and eat some. My baby boy is 4 and has never had a birthday party because it breaks my heart that he wouldn't have known it was his birthday, let alone eat a piece of cake. And I'll admit that I was also concerned that he'd get overwhelmed with all the attention and have a meltdown. When we've had a get together at home he has gotten overwhelmed and over stimulated and the only remedy was to put him to bed. He'd prefer to go to bed early than to be amongst all the excitement. Not only was I protecting him from any unnecessary meltdowns, but I was protecting myself from having to watch it helplessly.
What I want most for my boy is to be able to communicate with him. I want to hear his little voice so bad that I've dreamed about it. More than once I woke up crying because in a dream I saw my son eating or heard him talking. The talking dreams are the ones that would haunt me for days. At first I thought the dreams were a sign that he'd speak soon, then as time dragged on and the dreams became more and more frequent, I realized they were actually wishful thinking. I know at some point he'll be talking up a storm and I'd wish for a moment of silence. But until that day comes I will get teary eyed at the sound of "bubbles".
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The Past
If the past is truly gone, why does it sometimes feel like I can reach back and grab it? Why does my past seem so much a part of my present? And why can't I let go? I've been thinking of my past lately, and since I'm only 30, I don't have much past. But it's there. Right behind me. And sometimes I really wish I could go back for a do over. My husband has asked me, "What do you need?" I always give the same reply, "A time machine." Not very mature of me, but I'm stuck in this "If I knew then what I know now" phase and it's driving me crazy.
As I stated in my first entry, I'm not happy. I can't seem to let go of the past in order to work on my present and future. I don't have many personal regrets, but there are events that I wished never took place. Some people say, "I have no regrets because my past is what made me who I am today". What a load of crap. What if you don't like who you are today? Would you still feel that way? I know I don't feel that way. I know in general I'm a nice person, I'm a good mother and a good wife. But what else? I'm hoping to be a cashier like it's the only thing I can ever accomplish in life. And don't start on that, "you've got the hardest job" nonsense. Parenting is not easy by any means, but for me it's also not enough. I feel like my brain is wasting away. Everyone's time is worth something and mine is worth what exactly?
I heard of this online calculator that sums up the estimated worth of a homemaker. A full time homemaker (if paid) would gross more than a doctor. Was this supposed to make me feel good? All that stupid calculator did was make me feel even more wasted than ever. I'm not simply complaining about not earning a pay check, but not being utilized in any way at all in society. And I'm sorry, volunteering at a retirement home or soup kitchen still wouldn't be enough because it's not what I wanted or want to do.
I am a very creative person. I draw, write, sing, and give great advice. Besides a lullaby and painting tiny toe nails, none of my talents are being used. And since they are not being used, they are not being developed either. When I was younger, I drew every single day, anything and everything. I drew cartoons, comic characters, still life, and abstract. Now, I'm impressed if I can draw a perfect circle. I used to be able to sum up large numbers in my head, and recite poetry on a whim, now I need a calculator to balance my check book and I can't remember my favorite poets names.
You see, my unhappiness doesn't lie in my total life, but within myself. Why did I let myself down? Where did I lose me? Only by examining the past can I figure that out and eventually move on. But upon examination I became fixated on the past. I remember so many things about me that I want back. I'm not trying to recapture my youth or any such nonsense. I just want that fulfillment I was aiming for.
I know that like everyone else in the world I am a work in progress. I must admit though, I am growing more and more impatient with myself. I need to stop looking to the past for answers to my future. They are not there. I also need to stop fixating on what is gone and to accept that some things cannot be changed. I for one can be changed and as I stated, I'm working on that. Sometimes a good complaining helps and that's just what I've done here. This blog has helped me to complain here and there about things and to put things into prospective for myself.
I know I am capable of pretty much anything. The good thing about examining the past is that there are many things that are not gone. For instance, my strength is something that I have regained. Another is my voice. That one took me a while, but with some help from my loved ones, I found it again, and it's beautiful. Not only when I sing (and I can sing) but when I speak my mind. I'm working on drawing again and if I mess up, so what! I can always start over. The past has taught me that no matter what past I have, it is not a indicator of what my future will be necessarily, but a great learning tool. Jeeze! I could be my own shrink!
I am still going to introduce myself to that manager on Saturday. All nasal whistles should be gone by then. I've already rehearsed a speech and I may or may not stick to it. I'll just say what ever feels right. The job I really want is not only so I can earn a paycheck, I want it to be a stepping stone for me. A small step can feel like a leap when you haven't moved at all for many years. And I'm ready to take that step because those baby steps will lead to great leaps. And judging by my past, once I get going, there's no stopping me.
As I stated in my first entry, I'm not happy. I can't seem to let go of the past in order to work on my present and future. I don't have many personal regrets, but there are events that I wished never took place. Some people say, "I have no regrets because my past is what made me who I am today". What a load of crap. What if you don't like who you are today? Would you still feel that way? I know I don't feel that way. I know in general I'm a nice person, I'm a good mother and a good wife. But what else? I'm hoping to be a cashier like it's the only thing I can ever accomplish in life. And don't start on that, "you've got the hardest job" nonsense. Parenting is not easy by any means, but for me it's also not enough. I feel like my brain is wasting away. Everyone's time is worth something and mine is worth what exactly?
I heard of this online calculator that sums up the estimated worth of a homemaker. A full time homemaker (if paid) would gross more than a doctor. Was this supposed to make me feel good? All that stupid calculator did was make me feel even more wasted than ever. I'm not simply complaining about not earning a pay check, but not being utilized in any way at all in society. And I'm sorry, volunteering at a retirement home or soup kitchen still wouldn't be enough because it's not what I wanted or want to do.
I am a very creative person. I draw, write, sing, and give great advice. Besides a lullaby and painting tiny toe nails, none of my talents are being used. And since they are not being used, they are not being developed either. When I was younger, I drew every single day, anything and everything. I drew cartoons, comic characters, still life, and abstract. Now, I'm impressed if I can draw a perfect circle. I used to be able to sum up large numbers in my head, and recite poetry on a whim, now I need a calculator to balance my check book and I can't remember my favorite poets names.
You see, my unhappiness doesn't lie in my total life, but within myself. Why did I let myself down? Where did I lose me? Only by examining the past can I figure that out and eventually move on. But upon examination I became fixated on the past. I remember so many things about me that I want back. I'm not trying to recapture my youth or any such nonsense. I just want that fulfillment I was aiming for.
I know that like everyone else in the world I am a work in progress. I must admit though, I am growing more and more impatient with myself. I need to stop looking to the past for answers to my future. They are not there. I also need to stop fixating on what is gone and to accept that some things cannot be changed. I for one can be changed and as I stated, I'm working on that. Sometimes a good complaining helps and that's just what I've done here. This blog has helped me to complain here and there about things and to put things into prospective for myself.
I know I am capable of pretty much anything. The good thing about examining the past is that there are many things that are not gone. For instance, my strength is something that I have regained. Another is my voice. That one took me a while, but with some help from my loved ones, I found it again, and it's beautiful. Not only when I sing (and I can sing) but when I speak my mind. I'm working on drawing again and if I mess up, so what! I can always start over. The past has taught me that no matter what past I have, it is not a indicator of what my future will be necessarily, but a great learning tool. Jeeze! I could be my own shrink!
I am still going to introduce myself to that manager on Saturday. All nasal whistles should be gone by then. I've already rehearsed a speech and I may or may not stick to it. I'll just say what ever feels right. The job I really want is not only so I can earn a paycheck, I want it to be a stepping stone for me. A small step can feel like a leap when you haven't moved at all for many years. And I'm ready to take that step because those baby steps will lead to great leaps. And judging by my past, once I get going, there's no stopping me.
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