Tuesday, August 13, 2013

                 Once again another long pause in between posts. There has been much life going on. I have found myself on an incredible albeit difficult journey these past months. There's also a small matter of a Facebook addiction I won't delve into >.< Not to mention I have been cheating on my blog with my journal. There's just something about penning my thoughts as opposed to typing them.
That being said...
                 Much has changed in my life these recent months. Very humbling experiences that's for sure. My children are growing at a rate that quite frankly terrifies me. My oldest daughter is now 12 and getting all lumpy. My classic middle child syndromed daughter is now 9 and I do believe her IQ is now higher than my weight. My son is now 6 and I am considering legally changing his name to The Autistic Avenger. They are what keeps me young yet in some cruel irony I'm almost certain they have also shortened my life span. Their transition over the last months has been difficult yet steady for the most part. Truth is, they inspire me with their resilience. I could not be more proud of my minions.
                As for myself...well, there's a book to be written. I have found myself going from "I don't need anyone" to "Please sir, may I have some more". But all in all I have discovered a drive within me that I did not think I possessed. There is something to be said for humility that's for sure. Sometimes I think about giving up, but I just can't seem to. It's just not in me. My path may be a long and winding one, but I must see where it goes. Where is this life going to take me? More importantly, where am I going to take my life. I had to force myself to start living my life instead of just surviving it. I am still the same person yet different somehow. I laugh more, smile more, dance more, sing more, I am more. And I want more. No, I NEED more. More life. And in losing pretty much everything, that's what I gained. Life. The wonderful thing about losing damn near everything is I've got nothing left to lose. What I did not lose was myself nor sight of what's important. I am not where I want to be in my life, but maybe, just maybe, I am where I need to be. Learning to decipher the difference between want and need is a hard lesson. But how can I value what I have if I have not suffered a loss? How can I know what I need unless I need it? And how can I teach my children lessons I have not learned myself?
               One of the greatest lessons I've learned is value. I have learned the value of people. I already had an idea. But I have a hard time allowing anyone close to me. How can they leave if I never let them in. That's some heavy baggage to carry around. My situation and struggles have forced me to allow people closer to me. It's still a work in progress. I'm still a work in progress. Working on myself and earning my own value is greater than any paycheck. Allowing myself to feel has been another daily struggle. But piece by piece, brick by brick, I'm chipping away at the wall.
             One of the greatest injustices I've done to myself is that I have not allowed myself to feel. And that numbness I've mentioned before was making me ache. But you see, now that I am here at this moment, I am glad for the suffering, for without it the joys would not be so great. Is it not the cold that makes the warmth better? Is it not the rain that makes the sun shine brighter? I know that the position that I am in and the struggles I face are not a life sentence. But in order to get out, I must make it through. Yes, I have lost. I have lost a home, a marriage, and what I thought was a planned life. But what I have gained was worth the cost. Yes, I have lost a lot. But I have gained so much more. And the best part is, I'm still gaining.

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