Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Waiting Game

Patience: /ˈpāSHəns/: noun: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

       If my life was a movie I think this would be the transformation montage. The bits and pieces of scenes that would show the passing of time ultimately revealing the grand transformation. But life is not a movie and we can't speed up the time to hurry to the end where I'm bursting through the finish line in a form flattering fashionable outfit that represents my inner metamorphosis. No. Now we wait. And I'm losing my patience.
       Here's a candid moment for me: This divorce is kicking my ass. While I pride myself on my strength and patience I admit that I'm about ready to wring someone's neck. As a precaution I've been avoiding people at all costs. Nothing has even happened with the divorce as I have yet to have a court date. What's driving me absolutely bat poop crazy is the waiting. I'm a take action kind of chick and I have taken action. My moves have all been made and now I'm at a stale mate with the powers that be. C'mon Universe, your move. Every passing day has me more and more anxious for the next phase of my life yet with every sunset there's no change. I can control my actions but I cannot speed up the judicial process. For anyone that's ever been through a divorce, my sincerest condolences.
       Long after the heartache is gone, long after the ego has been bruised and healing has begun, there's still the gap between the beginning of the end and the actual end. And it's not like you go on an emotional hiatus relieving you of any suffering or anxiety. These feelings although still present are easier to deal with if there's a distraction. This is why so many people rebound or have a wild phase. That's not my style. I'm not promiscuous nor am I a party animal. Besides, I have children to take care of. My children have always been the best distraction for me however being stuck in a crossroads traffic jam with no sign of a detour has me wanting to shout "Don't make me come back there! I swear I will turn this car around!"
       I have goals and plans and I can't seem to get anywhere because I'm waiting...and waiting...and waiting. My mother told me "Maybe there's something you're supposed to learn from this time of waiting. Maybe patience?" Are you freaking kidding me??? Any more lessons and patience and I'll be so enlightened that the Dalai Lama will come to me for philosophical quotes. Come on, Cosmos, I don't want to be the next great guru I just want to get on to the next chapter of my life already. Enough with the lessons in patience already. I have a child with Autism, trust me, I've got patience.Then mom said something extraordinary and whether she meant to or not the woman blew me away. She said, "Baby Girl, you are not the only one going through this divorce. Your children, their father, and your families are all going through this divorce. Did it ever occur to you that the lesson in patience is not yours but any one of these members of your life? And if that's the case then that would make you a part of their lesson." I do believe Mom was saying that the universe does not revolve around me. Ouch.
       So, the universe does not revolve around me. Who knew? *Sigh* The humdinger is I actually said something similar to my own children not too long ago. They asked why their father was acting out the way he was. I said "Your father and I are going through the same thing. I just handle it differently." Holy Schnikes I'm turning into my mother. How's that for a blog entry? Anyway, back on track. Okay, so not only does the universe not revolve around me but I have to be understanding to the time it takes for those in my life as their lessons may pour over into my life making it seem like it's my life that's at a halt when in fact it's theirs. Did I just therapize myself? I think I did.
       I suppose the best thing I can do is find ways to occupy my time. Being a severe introvert I'm quite good at that. Boredom hasn't been the issue really, it's the anticipation of what's to come. So, I think I'll work some more on my crafts, my plans, and of course my personal growth. I'll do my best not to wring any necks.
***The two most powerful warriors are patience and time***

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