The Value of Placement

    Many years ago, I was in a Goodwill, just killing some time. Upon entering the store, an item immediately caught my eye. Hanging on a coat rack was a bright yellow jacket with a nautical navy blue lining. It was in pristine condition. The many customers milling about didn't even look at the jacket, they all walked right past it in search of other bargains. I made my way to the coat rack concealing my excitement because I knew I stumbled upon something special. I took the jacket off of the rack and found out I was right. It was indeed a special find. In my hands was a brand new, seemingly never worn, Saks Fifth Avenue nautical jacket. At the time it would have retailed for about $250-$400. The Goodwill price was $12.99. Not a single person in that store knew what it was actually worth and therefore priced it at less than 5% of it's actual value and then left it on the rack to be ignored. Of course I bought it. I wondered to myself, "How long has this been just hanging there?" Where did it come from and how had it found its way to this little town whose only big news in months was when the opening of a Ruby Tuesday's made the front page of the local newspaper? I think about that jacket a lot. It reminds me of me. I am out of place and priced 95% below my actual value. And I'm just hanging on the rack. Passersby may think my colors are too bright or my fabric is all wrong. So I quietly hang here until it's my time to be plucked by an opportunity that sees that I simply don't belong here. More and more lately I ask myself how much longer am I supposed to wait? And unlike a jacket, Saks or not, I have legs and can move and I have a voice and can raise it. But where am I to go and who am I to call out to? This is the problem with being out of place. 

    I have been in conference rooms and while I struggle as a facilitator, I speak with conviction and can command a room when need be. While some may have been impressed with me, most were not. I was often met with glares and push back. More often than not, those that were at the top of the distribution food chain and my equal peers were the ones that liked working with me. But the glares came from the ones that I had to report to. Jokes at my expense and negative comments were made in mixed company and therefore always found their way to my ears. I know my peers meant well but it bothered me to know that I was still an outsider, even in my own career and with those that should have been considered a team to me. In moments of low esteem I would think of that treasure I found so many years ago and I would tell myself, "Natasha, you're simply in the wrong market. They don't know your value." 

     Almost any organic life form that is out of its element and proper environment will struggle, fail to thrive, and even die. Unlike a jacket they can't just hang around for too long. Have you ever seen a news story or video on social media about lakes with dangerously low water levels? They often show fish that are dying. They stopped flopping around and just lie in the muddy puddles struggling to take in any bits of water they landed in. They only have the energy to barely survive, that is until they simply cannot survive any longer. Humans are not much different in that regard. If we find ourselves in the wrong environment or even in a toxic one, we are either flopping around wildly or barely surviving. People are deemed unemployable or difficult to work with when in all actuality, they (we) may simply be in the wrong environments and therefore failing to thrive. Looking at the other side, in the right and healthy environment, we thrive and grow and truly live. 

    The trouble I am having at this very moment is that I know I am out of place. I have felt out of place for most of my life. That is why I hide much of the time. I am finding that failing to thrive for so long has me exhausted of just surviving. I know that I have come a long way. I also know that I have not come this far to only get this far. So where do I go from here? Furthermore, if I knew where to go, how would I even get there? I feel like there is a giant inside of me, a huge spirit just aching to be freed. In one of my many attempts to make some headway I made a list of my gifts, talents, and marketable skills. That list has remained untouched because I don't know where my market is. I know I have done myself a disservice in being dormant for too long. No more hiding. I think it's high time I took myself marketing.

    

Good is Never Good Enough and Great is Never Done

I have been searching for employment for about 4 months. I quit the job that was sucking the life out of me, had enough money to cover me for a few months, and started applying to what I was hoping would be new career paths. I applied to nearly 100 open positions through Indeed, employment agencies, and I applied directly on company sites and have only had 4 interviews, 2 rejections, and no job offers. I wanted to change my life. I wanted to be happy where I worked and spent most of my waking hours. My savings dried up, I had to start asking for money that I knew I couldn’t pay back, and so I decided to bite the bullet and return to the field I didn’t want to be in since that’s where most of my experience has been and I could earn more money based on that experience. This morning I received a phone call that I had been offered a position and was so excited to get back on the financial track of work, pay bills, and eventually die. About 20 minutes later I received another phone call from the agency which informed me she notified the wrong applicant. I was immediately deflated. I updated my family and they all had the same reaction I did. Total deflation. I thought to myself, what god, what universe, what omnipotent being could be so cruel. Silence I was used to, but false hope? That damn near annihilated me. I turned off my phone and slept off the depression. A former colleague and newfound friend had been trying to get a hold of me and when I finally answered I erupted in tears and blurted out everything. After she let me vent for a while she demanded I stop the pity party. She reminded me of who and what I am. 

Who and what I am is the reason why I’m in this mess and also the reason why I know conventional draining work is never going to work for me. You see, I happen to know my value, and that seems to be a problem for others. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I know everything. But I do know that I can learn anything and fairly quickly to boot. I have been told many things about myself by managers that have found my strong personality exasperating. Mind you, my job performance was not the issue. My personality was.

 "Your problem is that you’ve been able to do what you want for too long." 

"You don’t handle feedback well." 

"We need to change the perception of you." 

 "You care too much." 

"You don’t always have to be the center of attention." 

"No one likes a know it all." 

 None of the aforementioned comments were actually related to my job performance. 

In the time at my most recent employer that I shall not name (rhymes with FISH) I had accomplished the following: 

• Reduced downtime on a semi-automated line 
• Reduced unnecessary overtime in the small parcel department 
• Developed 2 direct reports so they could move to higher levels 
• Interview Prep for a lead that was promoted to a supervisor role 
• Implemented cross training that was first criticized by my manager only to later be made regular practice 
• Trained in 2 company courses with no support from my manager - some days I had to work 15 hours because of scheduling and no coverage for my area - when another supervisor agreed to cover me, my manager denied it even though there was enough coverage for him to do so. The trainer for one of the courses communicated how it was obvious that I was not being given the same opportunity as my peers in the class. I still passed the course. 

Listed below is what I did compared to my peers in the same position:

 

 I was often challenged at a higher standard and then criticized when I would challenge back and set firm boundaries. I did most of what I was told up until my performance review. I have never, even as a young employee, had a bad review. I was blindsided by OKRs and expectations that I was not even made aware of. And even though one of my peers had the same experience with his PA with the same manager, I was the only one that was rated as improvement required and placed on a performance improvement plan. I repeatedly asked for a copy of my performance review but it was never given one. And my performance improvement plan included things that were not discussed with me and some of the areas didn’t make sense to me. 

When my new manager and I went over it, I asked for clarity, and he couldn’t give me any because it made no sense to him either. And when I say it made no sense, it included sentences like “communicate up on deliverables”. There was also a comment about my cell phone. Leadership is allowed to use cell phones in the workplace and of course we should adhere to the phone policies in order to set a good example. When I challenged that one, stating how I didn’t use my cell phone for personal use, the example that was given to me was when my daughter called. I reminded the manager that during that time my daughter had been in and out of the hospital and seeing a specialist. She had just been diagnosed with Grave’s Disease and it took a while for her to get better. When she called I thought maybe she wasn’t feeling well so I answered. She was talking to me about a book and I reminded her that I cannot talk because I’m at work and immediately hung up. That was the single infraction that made its way into my performance improvement plan. I could see he was just looking to fill in space. He couldn’t very well write “I don’t like you because you challenge me.” 

The newly hired manager that I was moved to within the same department was worse than the previous. Let’s just say he is an ego with skin. I could tell from the beginning that he was not trustworthy and incredibly self serving. He spent most of his onboarding time schmoozing with the associates, especially the ladies, especially the pretty ladies. He never crossed the line into sexual harassment. My theory is the men could see through his B.S. and the women were more receptive and if not receptive then they were merely tolerant. Being the unofficial work therapist, most of those associates and peers came to me to vent. I allowed it because quite frankly I couldn’t stand the man. And he knew it. He had lost his temper with hourly associates here and there and many complaints were made. These complaints went absolutely nowhere. As for that improvement plan I mentioned earlier, he forgot about it. Literally. He and I were having a discussion when an HR rep happened to message him about it as it was past the due date to either close it or terminate me. He didn’t want to close it nor terminate me. He failed to keep up with the plan but he didn’t want to close it. The plan was closed at the direction of a higher manager that he reported to. This was no favor to me. That guy was just tired of seeing my name I’m sure.

 An opportunity came up where I could possibly move to the first department I worked in with the one manager with whom I got along quite well. He saw my value and respected me fully. He respected my schedule and communicated clearly the expectations and worked with me on my development. When he went to discuss me moving back to that department he was told no, even though there was a need. I was never asked what I wanted. Here’s what I didn’t understand: if the department I was in had management I struggled with, and there’s an open position in a previous department where I thrived, why not remedy the issue and move me? Sometimes a person doesn’t fare well if they’re in the wrong place. Moving them to the right place seems logical, right? The issue wasn’t about moving me. The issue was me. 

After many complaints by me, I had an audience with a higher up manager and boy oh boy did I feel the sting. Remember the lead that moved from my department? Well that person had been moved right under the ego’s wing. He was so far up her rear end I couldn’t tell where he ended and she began. I wasn’t the only one that noticed it. At first she asked me why he was always bothering her. Those were her words, not mine. Then, there was a change and she hitched her cart to his ego. So, when I was brought into the big big boss’s office, there was a litany of woes waiting for me. All from that one person. He groomed her like a kennel club poodle. That one person demolished all of my legitimacy in the big man’s eyes. I was told that the common factor for both manager’s problems was me. I am full of drama and he is tired of talking about it. It, being me. I knew I was defeated. The ego had already started doing that thing that bad managers do where they make your job difficult and miserable hoping you’ll quit. So, I took a personal day and thought about all of it. I asked myself if my mental and emotional health was really worth it. And the answer was no. 

I turned in my resignation the following day and gave a week's notice. About a week before that another supervisor had left the company. He turned in his notice and worked until his last day and had a nice farewell. On the same day I turned in my notice I was “given the opportunity” to leave that day and be paid throughout the date on my resignation. I was escorted, by ego, to my workstation where I collected my things and was then escorted off of the property. No farewell as I was directed to not tell anyone I was leaving. Without saying so, it was clear that they wanted it to seem like I was fired. And they wanted the ego to do it. 

Here’s the big question: did I actually do a bad job? No. I did not. I improved every area I was in. I developed my direct reports. I supported my peers. But where I failed is I knew my worth and I said so. When Mr. Ego was pushing my buttons, I told him I would not be spoken to that way and I flat out told him that he was not good at his job. 

 So here I am now, fumbling over words to explain why I left the dreaded “rhymes with FISH” during the few interviews I’ve had. I hear too often “people don’t want to work!” and that’s not necessarily true. People don’t want to be undervalued and abused. People don’t want to be underpaid and under insured. People don’t want to dread going to the place where they spend most of their waking hours. People don’t want mandatory overtime. People are becoming more aware of their worth in the workplace. As for me, I’ve always known my worth, and that pisses some people off. And frankly, I don’t give a damn because even in my current state of survival, I have less stress than I did just 2 months ago. Think about it, I’m at risk of losing my apartment, I’ll have to scramble to survive, and that is less stressful than the nightmare that provided me with steady income. It’s not that I don’t want to work. I love working. It really comes down to 1 simple fact: my mental and emotional health are worth more than my salary.

CRACK THE SHELL

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” 

― Cynthia Occelli

“The lobster’s a soft mushy animal that lives inside of a rigid shell. That rigid shell does not expand.
Well, how can the lobster grow? Well, as the lobster grows, that shell becomes very confining, and the lobster feels itself under pressure and uncomfortable. It goes under a rock formation to protect itself from predatory fish, casts off the shell, and produces a new one. Well, eventually, that shell becomes very uncomfortable as it grows. Back under the rocks. The lobster repeats this numerous times.
The stimulus for the lobster to be able to grow is that it feels uncomfortable. Now, if lobsters had doctors, they would never grow because as soon as the lobster feels uncomfortable, goes to the doctor, gets a Valium, gets a Percocet, feels fine, never casts off his shell.
I think that we have to realize that times of stress are also times that are signals for growth, and if we use adversity properly, we can grow through adversity.”
– Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski


You know those moments in video games or adventure movies where the character has to run as the steps fall out from under them? If they stopped for a moment just to breathe they too would fall. That is how I felt all the time. Only running. Even if I have nowhere to run to and nothing to run towards, I must keep running. If I paused for just a moment, even just to breathe, the ground will give out from beneath me and swallow me whole. My most frequent recurring dream is one where I am in a car, usually I am the driver however there are times when I am a passenger watching myself drive. I am always driving too fast, no time to examine what might be up ahead. There is always a break of some sort, a gap I never see soon enough, and I must drive faster to make the jump. The road is always too narrow for the car, I never have a turn I can make to get off the deathtrap roadway. I must make the jump. Usually I somehow make it to the other side. But there are times when there is no other side. There are times when I fall into a ravine, or I don’t make the jump and suddenly I’m on another road below ground level that somehow reroutes me back to the beginning, and I have even missed the ferry and plunged into icy ocean water and watched myself drown. When I woke up gasping for air I could swear I tasted the icy saltwater on my lips. Perhaps is was just the cold sweat. In these dreams I am usually alone in the car. Sometimes I am with my children or family members and they are all crying at me and shouting at me. Sometimes my ex husband is there but his back is turned to me. In my dreams I have seen the back of his head more than I’ve seen his face. Besides the crying, shouting, and indifferent passengers, I am alone. There is no other person responsible for the vehicle and the lives riding within. And I almost always fail. Even though there are times that I make the jump I never seem to reach my destination. I always bolt upright awake catching my breath in a panic…and alone.
 Almost every uncomfortable dream I'm driving a car at dangerously unrealistically fast speeds and I can't stop, I can't pull over, I have to keep driving, I have to keep control of the out of control car, even if I die in the process. Most recently I dreamt my car was going over an edge that drops down to a ravine. For the first time, ever, I was able to get out of the car. The car dropped into the ravine and I walked away unscathed. No bolting upright and out of breath, no cold sweat, no crying myself awake. For years I had the aforementioned recurring nightmare of the runaway car and suddenly I was able to get out. 
Here's what I think, the out of control car is a representation of my out of control life. The years I have been unable to escape were the years I had bounced around from place to place only to land at my ex-in-laws which, as grateful as I was for the help, was quite frankly miserable. I felt trapped by my own life that didn't seem to actually belong to me. Please don't think me an ingrate, I'm very grateful for having a place to lay my head while I tried to rebuild my life, but I am not going to lie and say it was wonderful. I still had the same recurring nightmares and that means something. 
It wasn't until I moved out that the dreams stopped. Now, I don't know if the nightmares are truly done but what I do know is since I moved out into my little apartment I haven't had another nightmare since. I was able to get out of the car. I was able to walk away. 
All that time I was afraid, no, I was terrified to make any changes. I'm not exactly afraid of change so much as the possibility of failure. What if I moved out and couldn't afford it and had to move right back to the place that gave me nightmares? What if I signed a lease and then got fired? All of these "what ifs" not only spun in my mind daily but they also haunted my dreams. Haunted or not, I absolutely had to do something, make a change, make a decision and just go with it. 
I was horribly uncomfortable, I was suffocating...It was time for me to grow. I had incubated long enough. I had to crack the shell. I had to get out of the car. And once I did, the nightmares stopped. I am still terrified as I have not reached my full potential and may never do so. Terrified or not, I refuse to stunt my own growth any longer. One of the greatest obstacles we have to overcome is the entrapment of our own minds. To get out of one's own way is no small feat. We are our greatest opponents and simultaneously our greatest allies. How difficult a task to face your adversary only to find out it's you. 
The world's largest lobster ever caught was 44 lbs. The world's largest tree, the sequoia, measures about 52,500 cubic feet. Mind you, the lobster starts out as small as the head of a pin and the tree was just a seed in a cone much like a pine cone. At their beginning stages these two very different forms of life don't look like they're built for survival. And yet here they are, strong and outliving humans by a long shot. 
My comparisons are making me sidetrack. The point is, growth is painful. It never isn't. It is uncomfortable and stifling and keeps me up at night. Or, at least it did. Since I've cracked my shell, I've been able to sleep. I still struggle. We all do. But in all my struggle I will still swim the depths of the ocean and reach to touch the sun. And on the days when I need to rest, I will, because I finally can.

Preset Reset

I knew I was going to wind up coming back to the place I've called home for the last 20 years. How did I know? Well, you see, I've moved to a few different cities and not once did I ever change the radio station presets in my vehicle. Not one channel. I'd find a station I liked and would stare at my crappy car radio thinking "I really should change these channels. None of them apply here." But I never did. My subconscious knew I'd make my way back and I'm certain my mini-tank agreed. 

I moved, and moved, and moved some more. I had plans and plans and plans. Not one of them ever worked out. While some may see these moves as failures I see them as a process of elimination. I was eliminating what didn't work. It's a little embarrassing because of (often well meaning) judgements and remarks. But still I'd move. You see, I'm a runner. And I'm quite alright with that. At least I can say I gave those cities and those goals the good ole college try. I know stability is important, but fact is we're not all built the same. I am very scared of change but I'm even more scared of regrets. I don't regret the lessons I've learned nor do I regret the bumps and scrapes along the way. Hell, I'm still licking my emotional wounds from the Big Flop in The Big Apple. 

I have been rebuilding my life for almost 4 years now. It wasn't easy to do the first go round and it's even more trying with a teenager, a preteen, and an Autizzy in tow. Every city I had been to I did the best I could and made mini versions of my life. But New York was definitely the most difficult. I was there for months and months and had not been able to get solid footing. My life was missing. I was a lesser version of myself. I felt trapped in someone else's life. The hustle and bustle, no eye contact, no acknowledgement of one another, people just droning through their crappy days, I couldn't do it anymore. To some that's home, to me that could never be home again. I would look around at all the brick buildings and think "They're large versions of solitary confinement and denizens here don't know they're not serving a life sentence. They can leave any time they want to". And after a not so grand exit off of an emotional roller coaster I realized that I can leave any time I want to. I was done. 

With my tail tucked between my legs I loaded my mini-tank and bid the Apple a not so fond farewell. The hardest thing to load was my damned pride. After I made such a big announcement of my previous moves I vowed that New York was the last time. No matter what I was going to make that my home. So when I added that vow to the list of vows I have broken over the years I was quite frankly humiliated. So I didn't make a big announcement. I just packed my things, loaded them up, swallowed my pride, and left before the sun came up. I was not sad to say "Good riddance" to the Apple and the bad seeds that were rotten to the core. I was pissed at myself for being so foolish. I was judging myself harder than anyone else had. No one else was doing this to me, I was doing this to myself. 

I'm not sure at what point in the over 800 mile ride I finally cut the sh*t, but I did. Like many things in my life I started to let go. I let go of another city, another try, another struggle, another person. I let go. The further I drove the less the tears fell. The farther I drove from the Red Delicious Mausoleum the closer I got to familiar life. MY life. My loved ones didn't laugh at me. Not once did I hear "I told you so". What I got was "I'm sorry it didn't work out. But I'm so happy you're home" full of love and sincerity as evident by the eye contact and lung crushing embraces. 

Since I've been back I have once again been giving myself time to heal. This has been one crazy ride. I've had to get the Minions settled in our old new lives. School registrations. School supplies as the schools here are three weeks in as opposed to New York which hasn't even started yet. Tons of paperwork and meetings for The Autistic Avenger. Making the bedroom our own complete with bunk beds I put together myself thank you very much. Work a little here and there to put some money in my pocket. I have been busy busy busy and one more task might do me in. It's a good thing I don't have to change the presets on my car radio. 

Work in Progress

       Yet again another long pause in between posts. My sincerest apologies to my one reader. In my defense, if you haven't gotten used to my disappearing act by now...
       The last couple of months have brought new changes into my life. I am officially divorced. You wouldn't think paperwork would make an impact but it does. It solidified the direction in which my life is headed. It brought a closure and a sense of relief. I was worried that after months of no contact that I would have had an emotional rush at the sight of my ex-husband, especially in the company of my replacement. However, when he appeared, I felt nothing. In fact the mini anxiety attack I had at the thought of what might happen was the most difficult part of that day. When I looked at him I felt nothing, not even anger. It was like looking at my past incarnate. I realized that I am fully at peace with the choices I have made including the one to separate my life from his. The proceedings moved along at a glacial pace but compared to how long it took to actually get in front of a judge I suppose it was swift. There was nothing left to fight about. Nothing left. Who knew I'd be at peace with nothingness.
       After my divorce was finalized I took up residence in a new city that is 40 minutes away from the ocean and 4 hours away from my past. My Pisces soul has never felt more at home. I have met many challenges up to this point, and after many mini meltdowns I've met them all head on. Every time I've said to myself "I don't know what I'm going to do" somehow I've figured it out. Whether it's been from me pushing forward or someone helping me along the way, I have kept going. I cannot express enough gratitude for the people in my life that have been there for me despite my attempts to scare them off with my enigmatic peculiarity.
       The children are adjusting well to their new environment. The only complaint they have had was when they realized their schools require uniforms. My younger daughter cried out, "I am in individual! They are violating my individual rights!" I'm certain my smirk didn't help the situation. Even my little Autistic Avenger attempted mutiny by pulling off his polo shirt the moment it touched his skin and making a face as if to say "What the heck is this mess!?!!?" They are all now used to it and thriving beautifully. I couldn't be more proud of my not so little ones. With all they've been through they still manage to be their goofy little selves. Such resilience is rare in adults and here they are setting an example for me.
       Since the move I scored a great job as a cook. It's grueling and I'm limping by the end of my shift but I love it. Not having to stress and panic over finances for the first time in 3 years has been such a relief. I still struggle but no longer to the point where I'm panicking at the thought of not having enough food for my children. Now I can bag their lunches and get those yogurt covered pretzels my picky eater loves so much. And living 40 minutes from the beach means great stay-cations! We've been to the beach twice in the last 3 months and the only difficulty was a jellyfish sting which was also incidentally the funniest part of that day because Mini-Me said "Please don't pee on me".
       I am currently living with my brother and a roommate. They both have tried to push me out the door to socialize and enjoy being a single woman for the first time in years. That's the only personal difficulty I'm having at the moment. When one has been part of two how does that one become one again? The reality is that I have been a wife for so long that I forgot how not to be one. I had gotten so used to checking in and asking permission that it feels weird to not to have to do that. One night I ventured out to a friend's housewarming and I was checking in with my brother. He said, "I'm not your husband I'm your brother. Go be a grownup." At that moment I thought to myself, "Holy Shinobi! I don't have to answer to anyone!" Yet another epiphany. I'm having a lot of those lately. I'm realizing that being single does not equal being wild and meeting new people does not make me a loose woman nor does being an adult make me a bad mother. I am not on the hunt for ex-husband number two but it's quite alright to open myself up to the idea of meeting someone.
       I am still healing and growing and I am forever a work in progress. I admit that I am quite proud of myself these days. I feel strong. Over the last few years I have morphed from that scowl faced banshee that used to pitifully greet me in the mirror. Now I see a lively woman that I never thought I could be. I still get nervous and struggle with anxiety but I'm working on those flaws. I've also been allowing myself to feel like a woman. Not a wife, not a mother, but a woman. Being less than girly I have been embracing my femininity and it feels beautiful, even on my bad hair days. 
      

Be the Change

       Earlier today as I crossed a parking lot I noticed a man struggling with an arm full of groceries as he was trying to get a rebellious shopping cart to cooperate. I told him I'd take it back into the store for him. He asked, "You need it?" I said, "No, just picking up my license that I dropped inside the other day. But I'll park it for you." He replied, "Wow! Thanks darlin'. Not many nice people nowadays. Especially taking one look at me." I smiled at him and his matching girlfriend and told them it was no problem at all. He had no idea that his metalhead look was something I actually admired. I grabbed the shopping cart and said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." They both gave a hearty "F*** yeah!" complete with metal hands. I threw up a metal sign and went on my way with a smile. I don't know if the couple I saw earlier today would have helped me had they seen me struggling. All I know is they were struggling and needed a hand.
       A couple of months ago I was visiting a dear friend. I was heating up my coffee in the microwave. When I had the mug in my hand I swung the microwave door closed and it smacked into the mug breaking it off of the handle and spilling coffee all over her counter and onto her very expensive cellphone and tablet. I began to apologize over and over as I cried in frustration because not only was I embarrassed at my klutzy self but also at the fact that I cannot replace these things. My beautiful friend said "Honey, calm down. It's just stuff. We can always fix or replace stuff, we cannot replace people. Don't ever think I'd be mad at you over stuff." This woman not only reassured me of my own value to her but also her honor.
       The way we treat people should not be based on anything other than how we would like to be treated. Even if we're not being treated in a kind way. If a person is polite only to polite people does that really make him polite and kind? If a person is only generous to generous people does that really make him generous? Is someone truly honest if they are only honest with honest people? Does that mean that they lie to only liars? And if so, does that really make it okay? No, no, and no.
       People are so damned justified in everything they do. Tit for tat all day long. This is one of the many things wrong with society. There is such a lack of humanity in humanity it sickens me. Please, do not think me some righteous person as I am just as guilty as anyone else. Because I am aware of my ethological flaws I hold myself at an impossible standard which I always fall short of. I often ask myself "If I wasn't such a terrible liar would I lie more often?" I am honest to a fault and it often bites me in the ass. But would I be so honest if I were more gifted at deception? I honestly don't know. My convictions are strong. There's no denying that. However there are times when I wish I could just not care. But I do care. And since becoming a mother I care now more than ever.
       As a mother I aim to teach my children the lesson of honor. And you see, that's what is lacking in this fast paced world. Honor. My lessons to my children are simple:

• Always tell the truth. Even if you're afraid of getting in trouble or hurting someones feelings. 
• Be kind to people even if they are not kind to you. Don't let the bitterness of another person sour you.
• Follow your heart. Your brain is important however it is your heart that will never lie to you. You may not get the results you want but you'll have certainty in your decisions. 
• Give with a happy heart or don't give at all. If you give out of obligation that does not make you generous. And when you give don't look for anything in return. We give to give, simple as that. 
• Humility is honorable. Arrogance and vanity are damaging. 
• Dignity and pride are two different things. We must learn the difference. 
• It's okay to not agree with someone and to not like someone. Just because people are seemingly nice doesn't mean everyone is going to be friends. Tolerance and acceptance are key. 
• Give love freely even if it's not returned the way we hope. To love someone is a beautiful thing. Just don't be a doormat. 

There's a lot more but I'm running out of steam and I keep mistyping. The point is that somewhere among the technology, the wage earning, the instant gratification, and the constant entertainment we have forgotten how to live and how to treat one another. For such an advanced species at the top of the food chain no less we have become more and more primitive as our attitudes have basically come down to every man for himself. The sad part though is that not many people are willing to start the change we so desperately need. We think we are guarding ourselves when what we're really doing is disconnecting from our better selves. We're so quick to point a finger at one another not realizing there's fingers pointed at us as well. We need to change within ourselves in order to see a real change. It's not easy and the results may not be seen for another two generations but if we really try there will be results that will have been worth the effort.
       My philosophy is simple, "Be the change you wish to see in the world". Okay, so it's Gandhi's philosophy, not mine, but I've adopted it. Even though I struggle with the people of today it's refreshing and heart healing to know that there are a precious few that strive to be the change.

The Waiting Game

Patience: /ˈpāSHəns/: noun: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

       If my life was a movie I think this would be the transformation montage. The bits and pieces of scenes that would show the passing of time ultimately revealing the grand transformation. But life is not a movie and we can't speed up the time to hurry to the end where I'm bursting through the finish line in a form flattering fashionable outfit that represents my inner metamorphosis. No. Now we wait. And I'm losing my patience.
       Here's a candid moment for me: This divorce is kicking my ass. While I pride myself on my strength and patience I admit that I'm about ready to wring someone's neck. As a precaution I've been avoiding people at all costs. Nothing has even happened with the divorce as I have yet to have a court date. What's driving me absolutely bat poop crazy is the waiting. I'm a take action kind of chick and I have taken action. My moves have all been made and now I'm at a stale mate with the powers that be. C'mon Universe, your move. Every passing day has me more and more anxious for the next phase of my life yet with every sunset there's no change. I can control my actions but I cannot speed up the judicial process. For anyone that's ever been through a divorce, my sincerest condolences.
       Long after the heartache is gone, long after the ego has been bruised and healing has begun, there's still the gap between the beginning of the end and the actual end. And it's not like you go on an emotional hiatus relieving you of any suffering or anxiety. These feelings although still present are easier to deal with if there's a distraction. This is why so many people rebound or have a wild phase. That's not my style. I'm not promiscuous nor am I a party animal. Besides, I have children to take care of. My children have always been the best distraction for me however being stuck in a crossroads traffic jam with no sign of a detour has me wanting to shout "Don't make me come back there! I swear I will turn this car around!"
       I have goals and plans and I can't seem to get anywhere because I'm waiting...and waiting...and waiting. My mother told me "Maybe there's something you're supposed to learn from this time of waiting. Maybe patience?" Are you freaking kidding me??? Any more lessons and patience and I'll be so enlightened that the Dalai Lama will come to me for philosophical quotes. Come on, Cosmos, I don't want to be the next great guru I just want to get on to the next chapter of my life already. Enough with the lessons in patience already. I have a child with Autism, trust me, I've got patience.Then mom said something extraordinary and whether she meant to or not the woman blew me away. She said, "Baby Girl, you are not the only one going through this divorce. Your children, their father, and your families are all going through this divorce. Did it ever occur to you that the lesson in patience is not yours but any one of these members of your life? And if that's the case then that would make you a part of their lesson." I do believe Mom was saying that the universe does not revolve around me. Ouch.
       So, the universe does not revolve around me. Who knew? *Sigh* The humdinger is I actually said something similar to my own children not too long ago. They asked why their father was acting out the way he was. I said "Your father and I are going through the same thing. I just handle it differently." Holy Schnikes I'm turning into my mother. How's that for a blog entry? Anyway, back on track. Okay, so not only does the universe not revolve around me but I have to be understanding to the time it takes for those in my life as their lessons may pour over into my life making it seem like it's my life that's at a halt when in fact it's theirs. Did I just therapize myself? I think I did.
       I suppose the best thing I can do is find ways to occupy my time. Being a severe introvert I'm quite good at that. Boredom hasn't been the issue really, it's the anticipation of what's to come. So, I think I'll work some more on my crafts, my plans, and of course my personal growth. I'll do my best not to wring any necks.
***The two most powerful warriors are patience and time***